Everyone says time heals, but what it really does is clarify. For me it took a year or so after the divorce settlement before I could say, "Oh, wow. I had no idea my ex was that kind of a person." Funny how one of us thought we had grown a deep, rich union, woven our lives together on so many levels, brought divinely closer by our three wonderful children, having threaded in an infinite number of shared experiences, resulting in the beautiful fabric of our blessed lives. Meanwhile my ex was plotting his departure from our marriage... Little did I know just how shallow an end was coming to our very deep commitment.
You can learn a lot by how a person leaves a relationship. It is a barometer of emotional maturity and character. I naively did not see my ex's unfaithfulness nor suspect that he was in daily communication with this woman, both making their plans to undermine me on the path leading to divorce. I assumed he loved me and would not want to hurt me, much less lie or betray me. I was truly dumbfounded to discover -- at a Discovery table no less --that our 26 year marriage and the family we shared was cheaply ended with a stack of phone records and amex bills illustrating money spent on the girlfriend. That was a "wow" moment for me.
When I did catch my breath and piece together the timing, matching dates to bills, lining up this happening when we both were here, that phone call made to her on our anniversary, it made me feel sick. It was confounding to reflect that he had just thrown me a birthday party not long before his disconnected behavior where he proclaimed in front of our friends that I was "the love of his life". When his behavior got noticeably stranger (during the year later revealed through "discovery") I was truly worried he was experiencing some kind of depression or mid-life crisis. That is how confused I was. He agreed to marriage counseling which we did weekly for nine months but he chose to never tell me (or the therapist) the truth.
What disturbs me the most is how he could treat our marriage and our family like a cheap incidental. The manuevering for the divorce settlement and keeping up appearances were taking precedent to anything of substance. How could he treat our marriage so shallowly? How could he treat our marriage so inconsequentially for our children? How could he not see the damage he was doing to each one of us by the way in which he left? Each of us has the wounds from it.
I think what disturbs me most is the taking of a deep commitment and the years of building a family and believing in each other and loving our kids together and being true to what we were doing, to then have my ex unwittingly lower our marriage to a cliche. It is living life based on what you can get away with as opposed to living with integrity.
It's not uncommon for people to be unfaithful, to lie to their spouse, and to minimize marriage by reducing it to an inconvenience. We see so much of it now that we are used to it. People exiting their marriages in hot pursuit of something new with convenient indifference as to how they leave. There are few consequences to ending a marriage dishonorably these days. Enough people behave badly, whether they are cheating, lying, or "having fun." It seems there is no cultural force in our society that defends marriage. Have we evolved from the sensitivity required to make a larger commitment to another soul? The expense to us all is that seeking "happiness" comes at the expense of a family. Being cruel, selfish and shallow becomes accepted behavior in the pursuit of "happiness."
There are people who leave their marriage with integrity. Some choose to be honest in the moment rather than lie. Some actually do go into counseling with their spouse earnestly, truly considering and weighing the options with their spouse about whether or not to stay together. They understand that a deep commitment like marriage deserves a deep and thoughtful ending. They have enough self respect that they want to treat their partner with dignity -- especially the mother of their children. They understand deeply how much divorce will affect their children and they don't want their child to ask "how can you trust a person is who they say they are" and know that it is sourced from their own parent. A shallow end doesn't feel good and doesn't get better with time. I know. Time will always honor the deep.
There is also a book called "Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal" by Vikki Stark. I personally think it is flawed, but it can help you if you feel alone in this.
Rollercoasterider: Stander's Coach
www.MidlifeCrisisMarriageAdvocate.com
26 years, three children, another woman.
Wow.
Divorce seems to be heavily weighted in favor of turning nasty and toxic. Particularly when one party decides to leave, overnight their world is turned upside down: love becomes hate; what was recently sexually attractive becomes repulsive; things they shared and cherished, like the family, become worthless and dispensable.
It's a world with very little room for integrity.
You say that you thought you had a happy marriage and were thus blind-sided by the seemingly abrupt ending. I believe you. But this is where the problem truly lies, don't you see that?!?! What that tells me is that your marriage was working for YOU and obviously not for your spouse. If you asked them they would probably say that there had been problems....usually for years before. They probably complained and if you think about you will remember what those issues were. But if people feel their concerns were ignored, that you were fine so long as you got what you wanted, so much so that you cant even notice the person that you love most in the world is miserable... then are you really suprised that theyd take off ?
I've had alot of hindsight thoughts on my marriage that ended with my x's affair. Yes, I do remember him implying, hinting, beating around the bush that he was unhappy. While I, also very unhappy, said the same, but aloud, and very very clearly. "I AM UNHAPPY"!!! .
Is it possible that we believe we are expressing ourselves and communicating clearly to our spouse, but in the end what we though we communicated was not heard? It could've been because we simply were not clear/have great difficulty expressing clearly what we feel, or that the person to whom we expressed our discontent was also so deeply discontent that they had difficulty hearing the same because they couldn't get through their own hurt?
.....and so we come back around to the same issue: Communication. A relationship killer. What a shame.
Some people gt Bomb Drop soon after emotional birthdays or anniversaries with reassurance of love and promises.
It is not uncommon for there to be no or few complaints or warnings. Often there is a triggering event 12-36 months before Bomb Drop that leads to life-questioning. One of the most common triggers is the death of a parent. Sometimes the LBS notices changes in the aftermath of the trigger; they are not ignoring their spouses depression, but they think this is part of the grief.
I understand you are trying to be helpful and encourage us to listen and refuse denial--and that is kind of you. But we hear your argument all the time and it doesn't ring true. It is based on assumptions about the left behind spouses (LBSs) as well as their spouses the spouses who are leaving.
Rollercoasterider: Stander's Coach
www.MidlifeCrisisMarriageAdvocate.com
Divorce may be forever, but it is also business. And in almost the flip of a switch 2 people who once promised to honor, love and respect each other can turn into self centered egotistical monsters who are looking to take care of themselves and get what's theres.
Really? Always? What do you propose in lieu of divorce -- modeling acceptance of misery and maybe verbal, emotional and possibly physical abuse as "appropriate marriage behavior"? Is it better to subject children to constant conflict -- or just permit the other spouse to behave badly and receive no complaints because the children will be harmed if you object to your improper treatment?
Stated another way, in my view divorce is not "dishonorable" if one or both of the spouses tried for an extended period to seek a solution to very significant marital difficulties and a solution could not be or was not agreed to be implemented. Marriage is supposed to be about mutual love, respect and affection. It is not an indefinite license for one or both spouses to contravene those duties -- using the "wedding vows" to yoke the other spouse to a relationship that is not consistent with most or all of the mutual promises.
I believe that in many divorces involving "high conflict spouses", one spouse determines that he/she must not "take care of themselves and get what's [theirs]" to prevent the high conflict spouse for visiting additional misery on their children. Sure, some divorcing people behave badly. But, like any other part of life, outrageous conduct and horror stories garner the most attention.
I don't mean this as an excuse. I see it as a reason that people should almost never get divorced while they're having an affair. They can't think straight.
My ex wife asked for the divorce while having an affair. At first I didn't even know about it. It all came out of the blue for me. I begged her to go to counseling with me and try to turn things around. That didn't really change even after I found out about the other man. I was going to walk through fire if that's what it took. But, I felt like a contestant on the Bachelorette. How do you compete with new romance with a guy she really doesn't even know? She didn't end up with him in the long run but if she had she would have gotten sick of him too when she really got to know him. She could not let go of him. She was hooked, kept lying, kept in contact. If there was any chance of turning things around, him being in the picture killed it. I was a wreck. I would say all is forgiven, but it wasn't. I would tell myself I'm just going to trust her, but I couldn't. I was bombarded by so many competing emotions. I was a basketcase. I sure wasn't thinking straight. How do you think straight with all that going on?
Sometimes all our efforts are futile and irrelevant. Especially when we are working with someone who is deeply deeply unhappy within. And who chooses to blame the marriage for their inherent unhappiness, lack of fulfillment, lack of self-esteem, whatever causes such discontent.
No, not saying that we shouldn't look within ourselves also, at the end of it all, and do the difficult homework of facing our own shortcomings faults. For if we don't, we have only ourselves to blame if we find ourselves in the the same situation again.
So, how did these wonderful people hide this part of themselves from us and the world for so long? I'm not sure they did Sally. I think when some people really hit a crisis - depression, realization that there life is half/more than half over, facing their own mortality, whatever, survival becomes more important that love, vows, reputation, even children. My wife admitted - "I'm having a mid life crisis" and she proved it everyday.
I gives me no comfort to read the stories of good people who were blindsided by their broken spouses, however, often the advice from people who have been down the road can really give someone new to the journey hope.
The pain ONLY heals as we choose to let it go. Like most here, I've got my own betrayal history that spans many years - younger and older, married and single, being told and finding out. My heart only stopped hurting so much when I DECIDED that another person's treatment of me isn't a reflection of my personal worth to myself or the world at large. It is simply a reflection of what another is willing to do in pursuit of their own agenda.
As strongly as I can, I encourage any and all who are on any side of this abysmal situation - let it go. Let it go for your own sanity and serenity. Let it go for your own peace and posterity. Let it go so you can rediscover - or perhaps discover for the first time - the wonder that is you.
incredibly painful . My friends use different expressions.,Move on.. that one sounds like i am catching a bus, forget him....how? He will end up miserable....seems ok so far,...Make a new life for yourself....loved the one I had. I guess the one I can tolerate is...move forward...It is all one can do...move forward. I still miss his arms around me and his laugh .
If I may make a suggestion, start refocusing your attention through your windshield and not your rearview mirror. Your life still has great value and 'fabulousness' remaining or you wouldn't still be here. Focus on finding THAT purpose and doing WHATEVER it takes to make it come to pass. You loved your last life mission. That's wonderful. Now, love your NEW life's mission. It has a wonder all its own. All the best to you for the healing of your heart.