As traumatic as divorce is for a couple, it is what it does to the kids that is most heartbreaking. One minute they are enjoying the freedom and glee of their lives, next minute, the music is interrupted. Kids love when life and family are one unified melody, a beating rhythm in their hearts, that familiar tune playing in their lives giving them a confident stride wherever they are. Divorce is the big screeching scratch in the record, that spoils that beautiful, soothing song that they wanted so very much to hear until the very end. The pleasant, sweet hum of family is so nice.
If there was betrayal by one of the parents, the conflict takes on operatic tones. The utter despair of the spouse who was betrayed crying out, the depths to which it quakes within his/her soul, the torture it does to everyone in the family's heart, the physical collapse of one parent into the discovery of the other's lies. The children experience the havoc wreaked upon their merry souls of childhood as the blows of betrayal beat on the family like a blasting drum. Everyone wants it to stop and wish it wasn't true. Betrayal by a parent, breaking the trust within the unified core of a family produces an angst, despair and hurt that if you expressed it, would be an opera, or a really sad disappointing book.
Kids don't want their families broken, and they don't want their father to betray their mother, or their mother to betray their father. It hurts them. It hurts them in a way they can't even express because they have to confront not only the pain of one parent who is hurt but the realization that the other parent is not who they thought they were. It hurts them because they never wanted to have a reason to question what kind of a person their parent was. Children don't want to choose. They want both parents and they want them to love eachother because that means all of them are loved unconditionally, too. How can one parent stop loving the other to the degree that they betray them and hurt them while saying they love the children? Children are made from both parents and have the same gene pool and characteristics and qualities. When one parent says to the other that they don't love them anymore, what happened to that love?
It is an awful and irresponsible assumption if one of the parents thinks that their betrayal is only hurting their spouse. The betraying spouse betrays the whole family. Whoever they had the affair with is reckless and insensitive to the children affected. Families are an organic whole; every action, word and deed has an effect on everyone. Children at their core want everyone to love each other. Divorce marches in to that happy musical like angry soldiers with guns coming down the aisle of the theater telling everyone to leave, we've been ambushed, there's a war out there. Who wants a war when you were enjoying a happy musical?
Kids look up to their parents as role models, so now what? Dad was lying this whole time to us, too. Mom won't stop crying, now what? What does this say to kids? They are not in the audience watching, they are central characters right up on the main stage, improvising their way through the painful realization that their childhood is gone. That sacred place they called Home where Mom and Dad were a team and all the focus revolved around family, is now divided. Why? The housekeeper; the bestfriend; the gal at the office; the travel agent; the secretary? That's who you love now? Really Mom, the mailman? the janitor? the trainer? Please stop, I don't want to read this cheap novel anymore. Nor do our children deserve these poorly thought-out plots. They deserve so much more.
If you are the parent that was so thoroughly for the beauty of family and the spirit of togetherness, and you felt blessed every day because in spite of how complicated and difficult life was, you totally knew in the roots of your soul that this union you shared with your children and spouse was something special and sacred and worth protecting and honoring and keeping, you feel the injustice. You know your children are robbed of something you wanted with all your heart for them.
Nobody wants to be disappointed by a spouse's betrayal. Nobody wants to discover the betrayal and lies and calculation and mean-spiritedness of a spouse, and especially a child does not want to see that in a parent. Here's the real problem, you don't get over betrayal, it stays imbedded in you, excuse the pun. You don't "move on" as this oversimplified, overused phrase hopes for. When there is no remorse or feeling sorry on the part of the betraying spouse, the hurt is always there. Healing the whole family comes only with his/her recognition for what they did and a sincere, authentic transformation within of being sorry and seeking forgiveness. The seeking of forgiveness is the spiritual bridge, an awakening and a coming to awareness. Alternatively, the person who was betrayed can "forgive" the person by surrendering to the knowledge that the betrayer hasn't a clue what they are doing, so as a means to "move on", uses this tactic to forget thinking about them. It is not true transformative healing that involves the whole family where everyone can feel the love, the betrayer's feeling sorry, where everyone knows that a shift has occurred. If there is no arriving at remorse, the wrongdoing lives on justified, explained away, minimized and continued. If the wrongdoing is overlooked this way in a community, the sickness leaks spores that filter out into the community and everyone lives with it in the air. Everyone knows it's unresolved, and that the situation doesn't sit right, and the children know this the most.
Part of being a good parent is knowing the impact we have on our children, and taking responsibility for our actions and behavior. When we are faithful to our spouse, we are being faithful to our children. Dads tell their daughters how they should be treated when they grow up by how they treat their mother. Dads teach their sons how to treat women and honor them. Moms teach their daughters how to be with men and teach their sons how to value relationships. What we practice is what we give our children. It takes deep commitment to be married. It takes wisdom to do what is right for a family. If we honor our spouse and are true to them, we give that to our children. If we show kindness, patience and love to our spouse, we show our children how to practice that. If we are there for our spouse through thick and thin as a true friend, our children learn that relationships take work and attention and are valuable. If we value the truth and are honest and say what we feel out of respect to our spouse and ourselves, we grow courage and integrity in our children.
I believe in marriage and family. It shattered me to have a partner that took that precious unity of family from my children and me. Divorce is all based on negative thinking and doing on to others what you sure wouldn't want done to your children. It's not a tune I enjoy hearing. I like the happier ones like Love and Marriage, What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love, and Teach Your Children Well. I'm still singing those tunes; they are classic and true and my children love them, too.
"Nobody wants to discover the betrayal and lies and calculation and mean-spiritedness of a spouse, and especially a child does not want to see that in a parent" and I would imagine no child wants to read such a thing written by their mother about their father, even if it is true.
You are so right that my ex was clearly hearing another tune, not ours. That was not the tune he was humming.
My children are are strong, young adults who have inner resources to help them cope with disappointment and the trauma of divorce. The point is that when your parents split up because of a betrayal it is deeply upsetting. Children are not immune to those choices and have to deal with the effects on them no matter what age they are..
What I wanted to write about is how the choices of parents are important and hugely impact a family. How much better for children of any age to see their parents acting as adults who are honest with oneanother and treat eachother with respect. Betrayal is hurtful for everyone in a family.
We are only as sick as our secrets. Having the courage to communicate before acting out is a much better example for kids and much more responsible to a family.
I think we are at a critical time in our culture. So much is coming out about how lies, betrayal, infidelity , internet sex, all this hidden behavior is so destructive to us all. We can choose to have solid marriages. Or leave them gracefully .
Again, you are right that no child wants to read about, let alone deal, with the unfortunate choices of a parent, especially when kinder, more respectful choices to exit the family could have been made.
In most cases, if she is mentally capable and not being abused, yes, a woman in a marriage with young children should try much harder to talk to her husband, understand the issues, and attempt to get beyond the "skin crawling" emotions before resorting to divorce.
Also, if you marry someone who later makes your skin crawl, though that person did you no wrong, and you can't find your way back to at least liking that person -- you have problems divorce won't fix.
Also, it's not debatable whether it would be good for the kids. Scientific studies are quite clear that an intact family is better for kids most of the time. But I've tangled with you before, Gibbons. I know you don't care about kids a bit -- you just care about maintaining total control over the family.
So-called "no fault" divorce freely allows divorce filings for bad reasons.
Sometimes divorce filings are made as a "power play" by one divorcing spouse -- as an effort to get the children and the money regardless of whether the children will be better off under the circumstances. Sometimes divorce filings are made out of vengefulness or as the result of some personality or (untreated but treatable) psychological disorder.
The dynamic created in a divorce in that situation is horrible.
When people do things for bad/wrong reasons, they sometimes nevertheless feel compelled to try to justify their bad/wrong behavior. What that means in the context of divorce is that the spouse who initiated the divorce will try to manufacture a plausible justification -- typically by vilifying/blaming their spouse -- instead of saying honestly "I don't have a good reason, I just wanted to take the children/money out of the marriage" ... or "I don't love you and want to go find someone else".
Then in then ensuing "no fault" divorce litigation, essentially false evidence of "fault" is nevertheless presented -- e.g. as the divorce-initiating spouse attempts to separate the children from the other divorcing spouse who actually has done no wrong (perhaps other than to work diligently to support the family).
Thank you for going through those explanations so clearly.
Your book must be a comfort for children of divorce so they don't feel alone. You are great to have put that together.
Thanks for sharing.
Isn't it better for the children involved in a divorce situation -- regardless of what is happening/has happened -- if the parents manage their own parenting/lives so that the family/children experience less drama?
Life is probably better for the affected children if they get their drama from television (which you can turn off) and books (which you can close and put on a shelf).
Of course feel and express your authentic emotions. That is part of being a "real" human and is a good thing. Get in touch with your own feelings. Get/stay healthy emotionally.
The point I did not make as clearly as I wish I had is that in the divorce situation there are opportunities to control your own behavior -- actions and interactions.
In a divorce situation, there are people who -- for reasons that have nothing to do with your wellbeing -- want you to reduce yourself to a cliche or a sad story.
They want you to behave how they want you to behave -- perhaps how they think people in a divorce are supposed to behave.
Your divorce lawyer may want you to be a crusading victim (so that the legal fees can be run up) -- and that won't be good for your kids.
Your "friends" may want you to do things/say things that make them feel good about themselves and their own situations -- or for their own entertainment/gossip -- and won't be good for your kids.
Instead, do what you truly feel is best for your kids -- which might be forgiving and forgetting the seriously-flawed person that you married, making fair arrangements for the divorce, and moving forward with your life in a direction of your own choosing.
I loved what you wrote so articulately. I found what you said very true. Thank you so much for sharing and putting it so well.
I would agree that yes, it is better if parents manage their lives so that children experience less drama. It is really better if one parent does not betray the other to create that drama, too.
If you are honestly responding to a situation like betrayal of your spouse, who you have trusted and loved for 28 years, hurt and pain are inevitable. The hurt pours out of you like a gauging wound. As much as you would like to carry on "business as usual", and "put on a good face", you aren't fooling your kids any more or shielding them from what is actually happening, because it is happening. Yes, Mom does need to stop the crying and keep her act together as best she can, all the same. Like a tropical storm, or torrential winds, emotions move through you at times of trauma and it is best to acknowledge them and identify them to best release them, being mindful and respectful of those around you, namely your children, as you do. As long as "emotional drama" is not used for manipulation, children seeing a parent going through a hard time and dealing with real emotions as they naturally rise can be a good thing. Life is a struggle. Hopefully, we learn as we go to get better at coping.
Thanks for your comment.
While I disagree with the notion that divorce itself is to be avoided at all costs to protect the children I do feel your pain. We can't protect our children from going through bad things in life. We all have to go through them. Illness, job loss, divorce, death of loved one, etc. Some things we just cannot control (like other people)
You and your children are grieving the loss of what you believed, what you knew, the family you were before. It's gone and it's never coming back and will never be the same. None of you had any say so in the matter.
Our situations are different but the outcome the same. I'm grieving the loss of what I once had too, and the loss of the future I dreamed of but will never be. It's very painful. Grief is grief.
I like the saying "The only way out is through." I know I'll get through to the other side of this and so will you.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you continued courage and strength on your journey.
Thanks for your kind words and understanding. I really appreciate what you wrote.
I did want to clarify though that I wasn't saying that "divorce itself is to be avoided at all costs to protect the children." What I was trying to say is that betrayal is unnecessary and harmful to the children (of any age). If you are unhappy in your marriage, be honest with your spouse, and be true in that conversation because you share a vow and children with that person. If you have arrived at that point where you want to end the marriage, do so respectfully honoring your children who are obviously going to be hugely affected by their parents splitting. Don't lie, cheat, and betray your partner with that hurtful and unnecessary approach. Leave gracefully. It affects your children how you treat your spouse. It is absurd of a betraying spouse to think they are only betraying their partner; they are bringing the whole family into the mess of their selfishness. End the marriage gracefully. It is better for the children. That is what I was trying to say.
Thanks for grappling with all of this and for sharing. We are all in this together.
In intact families, this relationship is the backdrop, the hum of stability that allows the family overall and the kids in particular to function "normally."
Lawyers, therapists, neighborhood gossip, money problems - these are commonplace pitfalls of divorce. Knowing the kids are trapped watching adult drama - and having that drama dominate so much of their lives - also hurts and confuses kids. It's a subtle point that can get overlooked by distressed, overwhelmed parents absorbed in their own issues for months or years.
Divorce tosses kids (no matter what age) around. It is a not so so subtle point that gets overlooked by parents who think their choices are just between their spouse and them and "don't involve the kids."
I know from friends who have small children, and/or teenagers, or are married with kids, and from my own experience with young adults, divorce is sad for a family. With reflection, a year and a half after my divorce, I feel robbed and I feel my kids were . I think the work of relationships is the reward.
I appreciate what my parents gave to me with their love and commitment to each other. I saw the work they put into their marriage and their devotion to family. They lived by their principles. It works.
What doesn't work is when you discover the person you married (for 26 years) doesn't share the same principles or doesn't truly love you, and betrays you. No, that definitely doesn't work. So onward and upward. My kids are great people and they will navigate through this as I will. I did not want this for us and that is painful but I know what is best for my kids is to see mom rocking in spite of "this little setback".
Thank you again Starbrite66 for your wise words. We are a village figuring this all out and it's not easy!
The work, the raw feelings, the kids' uproar - none of it disappears like magic. But it...clears a bit.
I hear this all the time in my divorced ministry at church, a great co-ed support group with a bit of social thrown in. I urge you to seek one out, I have been to two over the years (one my faith, one not.) Ask around, typically you don't have to be a congregant there and it is not a heavy religious pitch.
It's nice to be among peeps, worth seeking out. You can set down that baggage a few times a month, and share and laugh and go home refreshed. Maybe with some new bffs.
Have you tried Divorce Care? I have heard good things about that one also. Bing around, just humor me and try it.
I am happy for you that as a child you experienced that your parents divorce was the right choice for both of them, and for you. It sounds like it was a mutually agreed upon divorce, which must have helped you as a child to recognize that if marriage doesn't work people can part ways in a kind way and everyone can be happier. That was the experience your parents gave you. That is nice.
I can only tell you that my experience and my children's was different than yours.
Divorce may not define you, but it is forever a part of your story. I had parents who were devoted to each other and it has been such a gift to my life. Sure my parents had ups and downs but they were committed to each other and I was able to experience that and it was such a gift that I appreciate all the more now.
I am disappointed that my children have had to deal with not only divorce, but their father's unfaithfulness, lies and betrayal. We unfortunately experienced more heartbreak and confusion with the divorce than the peace and love you did.
DIvorce won't define us but it will always be a big part of our story, and our family history.
Thanks for your comments and for your advice to discover all the positives. Well said. I wish you all the very best.
the true subject of this article is "I was wronged by my cheating husband."
I'm in the process of divorce, but my marriage was lost for many years, and my husband refused to seek any outside help. he regrets the fact that I've filed, but it is far too late for me to believe that he is capable of any change. I am divorcing, but believe in marriage too; I just think it is too painful to stay in one where I don't feel cared for.
fortunately, we are both working together for our children. I was hoping to get some insight from someone, and feel misled by this article's title.
Good Luck!
Thanks for taking the time to write. What I hear from you is that you are unsatisfied in your marriage and want to divorce your husband to leave a marriage where you don't feel cared for. It wasn't clear if your husband will go into counseling since "he regrets that" you've filed. Or even if he did agree to seek outside help, if you believe it would do any good, because you believe he is incapable of changing. So you believe in marriage, just not with him because he doesn't make you feel cared for. If he doesn't want to divorce, does he want to do something to make you feel more cared for?
It is really nice for your children that you are working together, that you are both open with eachother about how you feel and about what is going on inside of you. That openness between you and your husband is showing your children that you care about eachother, and that you are being honest with eachother. I wish my husband and I could have had that direct, honest and open communication. Yes, I do feel wronged by my husband. What I tried to express in my blog is that how you treat your spouse has an effect on your children. I am sorry it wasn't insightful enough for you and that you feel misled by the title. I wish you the best.