The Importance of Mother's Day for the Adopted

At no time am I more mindful of the emotional complexities of adoption than as Mother's Day approaches. Traditionally it is a day full of celebration, love and appreciation. For adoptive families however the reality of a child losing its biological mother can often be over looked. A couple of years ago my son, adopted from Romania at the age of 16 months, wrote beautifully about this in an essay when he simply expressed that he had been "....born in the spring of 1989 to a mother I would never know." Wow. This is so revealing and insightful about the circumstances and truth of an adopted child's birth as well as about the emotions they inevitably struggle to make sense of.

In his work and writings, my innovative and inspiring teacher Dan Siegel, M.D. talks at length about the importance of making sense of your own life story. In his most recent book, Mindsight, Dr. Siegel stresses that: "This is such a crucial point that I'll repeat it...having difficult experiences early in life is less important than whether we've found a way to make sense of how those experiences have effected us. Making sense is a source of strength and resilience."(p.172) He goes on to say that in his vast professional experience he has "...come to believe that making sense is essential to our well being and happiness."

As an adoptive parent and family therapist helping adoptive families, I find this an incredibly hopeful message: making sense of difficult early experiences can liberate us from their constraints. In order to make sense though, the difficulty of early experiences must first be acknowledged and embraced. For the adopted child the difficulty of being given up by their biological mother must not be diminished. Under any other circumstances a child's loss of its mother at an early age is a tragedy. Yet with adoption, it is often the case that the joy of the adoptive parents having a child blurs the reality of this early trauma for the child.

This Mother's Day I encourage adoptive families to embrace the love and joy they feel for their child, and at the same time reflect on what it means for their child to, as my son expressed, have a mother they may never know. Reflect within yourselves and with your child the meaning of this. Acknowledge your child's early loss and the sorrow it may create for them. Let the child you adopted in love know that loving the mother they may never know does not diminish their love for you. Develop openness and acceptance for your child's emotions whatever they may be. Strive to help your child make sense of how their life began and how you came to be a family. Allow them to know their full story, even the difficult parts.

Remember, it is in the knowing and making sense of our story that liberates us from the difficulties of it. As Dan Siegel points out, knowing and understanding the truth creates strength and resilience. Celebrate this Mother's Day by acknowledging your child's full history. What a wonderful gift of happiness and well being for a parent to give.

 

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Comments

[Karen Rossie]

11:57 AM on 05/23/2010

Sometimes a radical acceptance of your child's reality is needed. If more people considering adoption knew all possible outcomes and went into it with open eyes, there would be fewer abandonments. Based on my experience, even when you do everything recommended by attachment therapy experts, you may see only "better than it was" as an outcome. For Mother's Day, as usual, my daughter aimed the worst emotional abuse I could imagine at me non-stop in the morning and then, found another mother in the neighborhood to spend the rest of the day with. This is what most days have been like for the last 7 years, with only gradual, slight improvement. I accept that this makes sense to her given her history of multiple placements and early neglect. And we keep moving forward with love and hope...and acceptance in the current moment of what is. When I hear about the child sent back to Russia, my heart goes out to both the child and the adoptive parent who gave up. I want to let the world know that not all parents who do this are monsters. Imagine the most extreme challenges in your life all added together and multiply times ten. That is what every day of your life potentially could be like. Most adoptions are not like that, but some are, and adoptive parents need to be aware of that potential.

[Sally Maslansky]

06:42 AM on 06/02/2010

Thank you for your perspective. I know that for many adopted children "better than it was" is an amazing accomplishment, and such a huge achievement for a parent. The situation of the little Russian boy is tragic for everyone involved. I appreciate your awareness about how adoption education in order to go into it with open eyes is so necessary and needed.

[MDGREENLY]

11:55 PM on 04/27/2010

This is such a beautifully written article. As I see it, the key point is that the parents must stop thinking only of themselves and their joy but they must think of the child's struggles. Your son appears to be so well-adjusted that sometimes we think he never struggles. He's so good at masking it that my family invited him to live with us...and he accepted. Indeed, he's been adopted twice. Don't worry! His love for you will never be diminished. Happy Mothers Day.

[msmaslansky]

10:33 AM on 04/29/2010

Beautiful! Thank you so much.....I love that you have so welcomed Sam into your family....I think that makes us family! It warms my heart to know he has you guys......Happy Mother's Day to you too!!!!! And thanks for all that you do for my amazing son....S

[Sandanista]

10:13 AM on 04/15/2010

Thank you for this incredible, sensitive article. As we read about the 7-year old boy recently returned to Russia by his adoptive American parents, i can only think how lucky your son is to have found you--and you him! The concern and thoughtfulness expressed in this article are a reminder to all parents to treasure their children and help them make sense of their stories as they mature. Thank you.

[msmaslansky]

07:42 PM on 04/15/2010

Thank you for your beautiful and generous comments....they are most appreciated....

[I Tx]

12:42 PM on 04/12/2010

I think this is a wonderful article. I just want to add a reminder for people to take some time on Mother's Day to get in touch with friends and family members who may not have a mother in their life, either due to sever illness or death, or even because people are more likely to end toxic relationships in this day and age and yes, there are many toxic mothers out there as much as we may wish all mothers are wonderful. Mother's Day can be very difficult for people like me who are without a mother and have been for some time.

[msmaslansky]

02:36 PM on 04/12/2010

Thank you for your interest in my article and for your very thoughtful and very important message.

[Vicki Iovine]

02:32 AM on 04/12/2010

What a stunning and insightful blog, Sally! I learned so much and was reminded of how all of us are struggling to make sense of our "story." Sam is one of the luckiest kids I know! And you are one of the luckiest moms! xo

[msmaslansky]

07:36 AM on 04/12/2010

Oh Vicki, Thank you so much for your very kind thoughts! I am so pleased you liked my blog and so happy to be here on HuffPost with you!! xos

[msmaslansky]

08:47 AM on 04/12/2010

.....and beleive me, I know how lucky I am to be Sam's mom!!

[Cindra Ladd]

07:19 PM on 04/10/2010

One of the best articles on this subject I have ever read. I hope you continue to blog regularly.
Thank you for your insight.

[Jane Ridlon]

01:55 PM on 04/10/2010

We have been a family for 18 years now and we often forget that our son is adopted. The other day the three of us were talking and my husband said that our son probably got his sometimes blue, sometimes gray eyes from my husband's side of the family. There was a pause and then we all looked at each other and started laughing.
That was fun but your comments made me realize that having no secrets about adoption is not the same thing as embracing it. We have become too used to the fact of being an adoptive family, and have over the years minimized what was once a huge event in our son's life and in ours.
So thank you for your insightful article. I read it out loud to my husband and son, and it stimulated a great discussion about something we haven't talked about for far too long.

[msmaslansky]

02:29 PM on 04/10/2010

I am so pleased that it has been helpful......thanks for your comments....Sally M.

[Jane Egly]

11:21 PM on 04/09/2010

A very insightful and lovely idea for Mother's Day.

[Riverish]

07:46 PM on 04/09/2010

I've been able to observe adoptive families first-hand over decades and have been impressed with how focused on their intentional parenthood than many biological families. A cousin adopted in England, a friend's son adopted in Romania, colleagues with daughters from China, a neighbors' two daughters from Zambia, a sister-in-law adopted in southwest Texas, a colleague's daughter adopted (andlegally fought for) in Arkansas, and so on. Granted, almost all of these families I know had the means to pursue the arduous road to adoption. But their openness, both in embracing the child and embracing that child's biological history, have made difficult transitions less so.
Bravo for your insight, Sally. I hope it will inspire other mothers, and potential mothers. And fathers.

[msmaslansky]

10:33 PM on 04/09/2010

Thank you so much for your comments. Adoption is an amazing way to be a family and I appreciate your appreciation of the process!

[michaeldnewman]

06:22 PM on 04/09/2010

I think the concepts spoken about in this post are so insightful and crucial for adopted kids or anyone who has been through difficult experiences in their youth. I love this line "it is in the knowing and making sense of our story that liberates us from the difficulties of it". Sally is so right when she essentially advocates that when you first witness and then understand the truth of your life as it was and is you free yourself to unbounded strength and therefore unlimited potential. Great article for anyone struggling to find their feet.

[msmaslansky]

06:33 PM on 04/09/2010

Thank you for your wonderful comments.......really encourage to read "Mindsight" by Dan Siegel.....really innovative work......

[deb markley]

05:59 PM on 04/09/2010

I found this post to be very inspiring. I am not an adoptive parent, but I felt compelled to share insights from this post with my child who has done an exceptional job of "making sense of" difficulties encountered along the path toward adulthood. Even more important, I plan to share Sally's words with a friend who is in the midst of an adoption as she begins the wonderful, and challenging, journey toward parenthood. Thanks so much, Sally, for your thoughtful insights!

[smaslansky]

06:41 PM on 04/09/2010

love the article, great work as always. love you mom.
SFM

[msmaslansky]

10:47 PM on 04/09/2010

You are the best, Sam....thank you!!! XOM......