04/13/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

A Message to Five Conservatives

To Justice Sam Alito: When the President of the United States makes a point about the Supreme Court, you sit there and take it. You don't act like the poor man's Joe Wilson (and how poor THAT must be) and mouth opposition, you sit like a painting and clam up. Behave like Clarence Thomas does when he hears a case: say absolutely nothing.

To Sarah Palin: If you are standing at a lectern, it is not necessary to write notes on your hand, you can place an eight by ten sheet of paper right there in front of you. By the way, when you read off of your palm when Chris Wallace was interviewing you, that was even worse. By the way part two: since you have stood at a lectern, you can't knock Obama for standing at a lectern unless you have given up on caring about being caught in a lie. Oh, that's right, you already have.

To Elizabeth Hasselbeck: Getting cheesed off because press secretary Robert Gibbs made a joke about Palin's palm reading is pathetic. Were you angry when Cheney dropped the F bomb? Were you angry when Bush made a joke about the war in front of David Bloom's widow? Were you angry when Limbaugh made fun of Michael J. Fox? Of course not. And stop yelling, man, you are loud AND wrong.

To John Boehner: Smile. Just once. Please. You wouldn't show elation during a climax, unless it was the climax of Avatar. And stop the fake tan, you're looking prematurely orange.

To Mel Gibson: This would be a good time for you to stop being interviewed. The two I saw ended with vile name-calling and asking a Jewish reporter about whether his religion influenced his inquiries. I always thought that it was curious that all of your dramatic films were so gut twistingly violent. Now I think there is something sad about a man who has your successes showing such a harshness to his public side. I can only imagine the rage that accompanies your private side. Oy.

Subscribe to the Politics email.
How will Trump’s administration impact you?