08/03/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I Love When She Smiles Because It Means She's Not Talking

So the Big Mooseburger has called it a day. After a few years of mismanaging Alaska, Sarah Palin has decided to discover how many people will fall for her malarkey nationwide. I haven't heard her resignation speech, but I predict she will have blamed everyone but herself for the decision to bolt. The media, the other politicians, her snowmobile mechanic, everyone but the mirror's image will come in for a slapping. Let me take this opportunity to explain to Sarah how unaware she is of just how rough a campaign for President can be, and how she can prevent a brutal campaign:

  1. Start trying to be honest. You didn't resign because of Katie Couric. You resigned because you have to raise a lot of money to run for President, and you can't do that AND destroy the forty-ninth state.
  2. You can't get away with stupid anwers to simple questions and say you were tricked. "What newspapers do you read?" is not a trick question unless you are hiding the fact that you are illiterate.
  3. Having a daughter preach abstinence who had unprotected sex at sixteen is like getting nutrition tips from Bill Bennett.
  4. If you keep invoking your love for our troops as the answer to every question, you will sound like Rudy Giuliani when he says "9/11" as the answer to "how much do you weigh?"
  5. Don't avoid ethics questions,meet them head on. Keep ducking them and they will not go away. Don't believe me? Read "All the President's Men."
  6. This one will be tough for you. Avoid religious fanatics. You are one "Gays and Jews should burn in hell" away from never being seriously considered to be a guest on Jeopardy, let alone running for higher office.
  7. Face a few facts. You will not win more than five per cent of the Black, gay, Hispanic or Jewish vote. Go for your base: older white religious Southerners. That way when you lose, you can count on a job at Fox News.
  8. If you make a speech accusing Barack Obama of being a pal to terrorists, that ends your accusations of being the VICTIM of name calling. If you can't take it, start dishing it out on The Food Network.
  9. Ignore the press. If they don't like you, they don't like you. Nixon won without them.Poking the dog is stupid and time consuming. If your surrogates do it,they will eventually will say something that will wash back on you like sewer water. Just walk away.
  10. You will not win, you probably won't even be nominated. The Republican party is in danger of extinction, and you are part of the reason. Politics is not religion; devotion is not enough.