01/04/2009 04:44 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Predictions for 2009

January: Bush apologists who attest to his intelligence and foresight start giggling uncontrollably in the middle of their interview, followed by winking and elbow nudging.

February: Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld prove their machismo by shooting each other in the face.

March: March Madness is interrupted by Bob Knight's spitting on referees and cheereladers, despite the fact he is no longer coaching.

April: Saturday Night Live goes on hiatus, discouraged by the fact that their talented staff cannot come up with one funny thing to write about President Obama.

May: Ann Coulter writes a column slamming Mother's day as a left wing sham. In a related story, Dom Deluise writes a column debasing Weight Watchers.

June: Father's Day in Wasilla, Alaska is presented on To Tell the Truth.

July: Brett Favre signs with the New York Yankees. His first pitch is intercepted by the batboy.

August: Jeb Bush is disqualified from The Biggest Loser when he sneaks a meal in front of Somalian refugees.

September: Paris Hilton endorses John McCain.

October: Rod Blagojevich wins Halloween costume contest dressed as Honest Abe Lincoln.

November: Elizabeth Hasselback leaves her husband, marries Billi Jean King, and is fired from The View.

December: Joe the Plumber drowns in a pipe explosion, destroying a Christmas Tree, Hannukah Menorah, and Kwanza harvest display.