Women In Their 40s Are Having Great Sex... Just Not With Their Husbands

Over the past few years, I've witnessed a growing number of married couples in my fortysomething peer group calling it quits. Not surprisingly, infidelity is a factor in many of these breakups. What is surprising is that it's the women -- not the men-- who are cheating.

Although recent high-profile scandals have involved cheating men (think John Edwards, Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger), a study out of Indiana University finds that women today cheat at about the same rate as men, and that the number of unfaithful women is growing. The study showed that 19 percent of married women and 23 percent of married men reported cheating, statistics that reflect a closing of the cheating gender gap. (Note: These numbers are probably on the conservative side because they reflect the percentage of people who admitted to cheating. Presumably, the numbers of unfaithful partners is higher.) Research from the 1990s found that only 10 percent of married women reported being unfaithful. According to these numbers, female infidelity may one day rival or even surpass male cheating. 

Another interesting fact? According to the study, the most common age for women to have an affair is 45. For men, it's 55. 

The reasons for cheating are many. Take Diane, a 46-year-old mother of two who has worked full time while raising kids:

"My husband and I were so busy with work and the kids that our life together had slid into the background. It became all about 'who's doing the laundry' and 'who's picking the kids up from daycare.' I needed confirmation that I was still sexy and that other men found me attractive."

This rise in female infidelity is a change from what I saw growing up in the '80s. In those days, it was the man who cheated. In many cases, this pattern held true: Husband cheats on wife with secretary; husband leaves wife and kids near-broke; husband starts new family with younger wife.

My girlfriends and I observed the devastating effects of divorce -- which left families in financial and emotional ruin -- and vowed that we would never let it happen to us. We worked hard in school, went to college and grad school, and pursued careers so that we would never have to be financially dependent on a man.

So why do I look around me and see so many women repeating the mistakes of their fathers? Why are they willing to risk everything -- their marriages, homes, even their children -- for a romp (or two) in the sack with another man?

Is it a midlife crisis? A feminist assertion of independence and power? Or perhaps a "Fifty Shades of Grey" phenomenon where women are craving steamy "chocolate hot-fudge brownie" sex over the "vanilla" flavor they've had for years with their husbands? 

According to Carolyn*, a 44-year-old mother of three, "Sleeping with another man awakened things in me that I hadn't felt in years. When I was with him, I felt like I was doing something just for me. I was sick of living for others. It wasn't hard to keep the affair secret from my husband because I travel a lot for work."

While there are several factors that contribute to marital infidelity, there are a few unique reasons women in their 40s cheat. Here are the top 10:

1. Greater confidence. Women in their 40s have fewer insecurities and are more confident about their bodies, their careers and themselves. They know who they are and feel comfortable in their skin. Many have jobs outside the house and an identity apart from that of mother/wife. Working outside the house also provides women more opportunities to meet men -- and to pursue affairs -- than their stay-at-home counterparts.
2. "Mommy" stage is over. By their 40s, women no longer have leaky, milk-filled breasts for feeding babies. Hey, maybe they've even gotten their pre-baby figure back! They are feeling sexy for the first time in a while. Having brought up toddlers, they have more freedom to go out again and relax -- with their husbands, partners or someone else entirely. 
3. Shifting hormones. In their 40s, women's testosterone levels are on the rise, which increases their libido, or sex drive. The so-called "nurturing" hormones -- estrogen and oxytocin -- are on the wane, making them less physically wired to attend to the needs of others and more likely to put themselves and their own needs first. 
4. Bedroom boredom. Let's face it, after 20 years with the same partner, sex can become "plain vanilla." And as Christian Grey has taught us, nobody likes "plain vanilla." Sex with someone new is exciting and forbidden and provides a dopamine rush similar to a drug-induced high.  
5. Feeling neglected/unappreciated. Women wear many hats in a marriage -- housekeeper, errand-runner, grocery shopper, babysitter, cook, doctor, lover, etc. Is it any wonder that a woman is tuckered out by her 40s? If she feels more like a housekeeper or maid than a beloved and cherished wife, that's when she may stray. The fact that a husband may be spending inordinate amounts of time at work, traveling or on the golf course gives her more reason to seek attention elsewhere.
6. Self-esteem booster. Sex can be an instant pick-me-up, a self-esteem booster that makes women feel sexier, more beautiful and more loved. If a woman feels unappreciated or neglected by her husband, a sexual affair could be just the medicine that she needs. 
7. Revenge/payback for past wrongs. Whether her husband cheated, lost a job, made a bad investment or got caught in a lie, a woman feels hurt and betrayed when trust has been broken. She may want to do the same to get even.
8. Financial woes. Many families today are experiencing financial troubles, which puts a huge strain on a marriage. Women in their 40s feel that they have put in many years of hard labor -- giving birth, raising kids and often working outside the house at the same time. When their husbands are without jobs or decent paychecks, women feel that their husbands are not fulfilling their end of the bargain and become angry and resentful.
9. Letting the bad girl out. Have you noticed how many women get a breast augmentation, liposuction or other plastic surgery after their childbearing years to enhance their looks and sexuality? If not, take another look. Just as men feel the need to sow their wild oats, some women have an inner sex kitten that -- especially with rising testosterone levels -- is just waiting to come out!
10. Exit strategy. Instead of breaking up, it's easier to cheat. An affair is an easy way out, or at least that's how some women see it.

Bottom line? Female infidelity is on the rise. When you add up all the reasons that women cheat, it's usually her heart -- or ego -- that needs healing. Not her libido. A few tips? Keep the lines of communication open with your spouse. Look for the warning signs. And get help from a good marriage therapist before it's too late.

Would you like to add to the conversation? Please submit your comment below.

* Names have been changed to preserve privacy.

Samantha Parent Walravens is the author of TORN: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood, chosen by the New York Times as the first pick for the Motherlode Book Club.

 

Follow Samantha Parent Walravens on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@nosuperwoman

Comments

[Hicham Henemi]

12:52 PM on 08/21/2012

Thank you for the article.

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http://www.tejarahonline.net

[dunthisb4]

03:14 AM on 08/04/2012

Who at Indiana University came up with this?

[Thomas Pain]

09:12 AM on 08/02/2012

I love cheating women. They're lonely. They need attention. Appreciation. I like to make them feel all better. They like it too.

[WomensDivorceAdvice]

01:50 PM on 08/13/2012

Not all of them love that kind of attention. They are sad and they don't need someone who will just make them happy for a while. They need to be with someone who are willing to understand.

[mikevalentine00]

03:02 AM on 08/02/2012

Keepin it classy ladies.

[UberdanSounds]

11:22 PM on 07/30/2012

Not so surprising if you're a man who dates women.
Men just get the bad rap.
In reality, today's women are what 2Pac & Nate Dogg called "Skan-da-lous".

[End All Empire]

03:17 PM on 07/30/2012

I've never cheated in any committed relationship. I don't understand why someone does not break it off first then begin a new relationship. I guess its because people don't have any connection to values of honor and integrity. If you give your word to someone then stick to it! If you don't want to then have the strength of self to say that you don't want to be in the relationship. I think it comes down to selfishness; people want to have their cake and eat it too. So, they will lie instead of express their true selves. What a sad existence to chain yourself into a situation (unwanted relationship) where you are at the mercy of others.

[mrformat]

12:55 PM on 07/30/2012

It ain't easy being a husband either.

[MCMinvestigations]

12:35 PM on 07/30/2012

It's a common misconception that men always cheat, over half of my infidelity cases are to investigate if my clients spouse or girlfriend is cheating. It's usually not difficult to find out that their suspicions are correct. Normally after my clients get video confirmation of their girlfriends or wives are cheating they have to determine how to go about the divorce or break. Normally with a divorce its best to get your finances in order before preceeding. Most divorse attorneys will give you step by step directions to ensure the best outcomes before filing. #MCMinvestigations

[Cari L Marvelli]

12:01 PM on 07/30/2012

"What is surprising is that it's the women -- not the men-- who are cheating."

Why, again, is this surprising?

[edtastic]

07:48 PM on 07/29/2012

If you want to make excuses for cheating women then you need to do the same for men. That's the kind of equality feminist seem to be reluctant to adopt which is why more and more people are realizing they are just self centered people looking for ways to blame others for their personal failings.

[mdipary2004]

07:36 PM on 07/29/2012

ROTFLMAO. Guess we can use this article both ways now.

[SandyCo]

04:39 PM on 07/29/2012

If this article was titled "Why Men Cheat", and the same list was touted, there would be an uproar about how men are just pigs, etc. I love how women's cheating and bad behavior is blamed on men, but men are supposed to take responsibility for their own cheating! "You made me do it." That excuse would never fly with me. There are so many other options, like marriage counseling, etc., but wait - that's too much work! That would mean actually trying to reconnect with the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with instead of dishonoring your vows and disrespecting your husband.

[WomensDivorceAdvice]

12:59 PM on 08/01/2012

Certainly. I think both men and women has something to do with a failed relationship that usually ends up on a divorce, We should not be biased about it. http://womensdivorcelawreview.com

[mikevalentine00]

03:04 AM on 08/02/2012

Amen brother. Quite selfish and they're describing it as "all good"! Sad actually.

[Still proud]

07:41 AM on 07/29/2012

"leaky, milk filled breasts" ?? What are we cows? This article is so insulting to women. You make us sound shallow, callous, easily distracted, vain, self centered & something that needs to be kept on a leash. Whatever the interactions between man and woman, I'd hope they are a whole lot deeper between 2 people who have shared the raising of children, the death of parents, the loss of a job, the holidays, the intimacy of sex & all the good/bad times that come with sharing a large part of their lives together. You make cheating sound as if she went shopping, spent a little too much money & needs to keep it from her husband. That easy? I don't think so. Cheating will sit on the normal person with a weight that is almost impossible to bear & will confess to lighten their load, in the process, destroying the one cheated on. The trust will never be there again, never. This article is such a reflection on a society that has weakened, devolved and turned away from things once held sacred. Anything goes now, just as long as we all feel good, even if it's just for a moment. It's so much harder to do the right thing and exercise some control, at least nowadays. I look at my parents, married for 60 years, survived the rocky moments, & I don't mean a little boredom or financial difficulties, that's just part of life. I mean the really tough times,

[Laura Cody]

07:51 AM on 07/26/2012

It is amazing the stories we make up about why we do what we do, especially when it comes to sex and cheating. And the cheating always seems to coincide with life altering events that have biological roots.

When the honeymoon is over.

When children are past infancy, men and women start looking elsewhere if they are dissatisfied with each other as parents.

When the children leave the house, women need someone new to nurture.

When the hormones start to lessen and we start realizing we aren't young anymore and who knows, maybe we can find someone different to spend the rest of their life with.

And with the exception of the second this coincides with what someone once said that we should marry 3 times. The first for fun. The second to raise kids. The third to retire with. Because more often than not, the three aren't the same person.

Maybe doing that would lessen the "cheating" making us more happy overall because cheating causes a lot of pain and guilt on both sides.

All this means is that we need to get a little more honest on why we do what we do and maybe if we understand the underlying biological imperatives, we can grow just enough to make better decisions of how to deal with these life changing events instead of running straight into an affair.

[gywkwakwa]

05:30 PM on 07/25/2012

The one glaring error in all this rationalization of cheating is that sex doesn't have to become "plain vanilla" after 20 years,

I have been married to the same woman, no separations trial or otherwise, for approaching 39 years. Both of us stated from the onset that marriage to us meant a life-time commitment, and that we would always work together to keep it.

In all honesty things started becoming "routine" so after our last child left the house we decided to spice things up. We have enjoyed a very active and enjoyable sex life, with some mutual lessening in frequency as we get older, but will still occasionally go to the next town, get a Jacuzzi suite and spend the evening over cocktails and each other.

Cheating is the direct result of a lack of commitment from one or both persons, and a laziness to fix what is lacking. A "new partner" carries an automatic supercharge that many find ends rather abruptly, leaving you alone and possibly lonely.

One thing this author definitely got right is the call to keep the lines of communication open, not said but should have been is the admonition to be willing to put in a little work for a lot of pay ;)