Yesterday in my afterword to a guest post written by a woman who never got a romantic marriage proposal, I stated that romance for women is like a blowjob for men. I got so much interest and further questions about this statement that I decided to expand. After all, it shouldn't only be my husband who has to, I mean, gets to listen to my theories equating oral sex and love letters. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, male readers! Don't you want to see what happens if I'm actually right and more romance is just what the doctor ordered for your marriage and sex life?
Disclaimer: I am not saying that being romantic will get you a blowjob.
Disclaimer 2: I am, however, saying that being romantic may increase your chances of a blowjob, either now or in the future. Well, it certainly can't decrease your chances, let's put it like that.
Disclaimer 3: I am also not saying that women don't also like oral sex performed on them. But from my experience talking to couples and people in individual therapy, women like oral sex mainly for the physical sensation. Very few women have a primary sexual fantasy involving a guy going down on them. In fact, way more guys have fantasies of going down on women than women have of men going down on them. So, blowjob= fantasy, whereas going down on women = way to orgasm for some women (and fewer women than men think).
Disclaimer 4: If you're a man who wants more romance, or a woman who wants more oral, just flip the genders in this article.
So, without further ado, here are six ways that romance for women is like blowjobs for men.
1. The fantasy isn't just a BJ, it's a woman all excited to give you a BJ. Similar, women don't just want romance, they want you to WANT TO be romantic. It's the man who can't wait to take you out for a surprise dinner, who plans the perfect proposal, who loves to see your face when you open a little surprise gift. The guy who books the sitter because you asked him to is the equivalent of the woman who gives a BJ under duress with a sour expression and a sigh.
2. Blowjobs are supposed to be spontaneous. In all my time doing couples counseling (what was that? Why thank you, I guess I do look pretty young. Yup, in practice since 2009. Aw, you flatter me), during which I frequently exhort couple to schedule sex, I have never once asked them to schedule a BJ. It just seems wrong. Similarly, scheduling date nights is fine, but scheduling romance itself seems impossible. Why? Because romance is like a BJ, in that both are supposed to stem from desire, passion, and spontaneity.
3. BJ's are something every pubescent male dreams about. Ditto romance. Just because your wife doesn't like them doesn't undo the many years and even decades that you've spent fantasizing about blowjobs. Similarly, just because you declare that you "express your love every day so big holidays are just a waste of time and money" doesn't mean that you're going to convince your wife of the moral rectitude of this statement if she's been dreaming of romance since she was 12 or younger.
4. BJ's aren't essential. No man is going to die without a BJ, although a visitor to this planet would not be faulted in getting that impression from listening to guys. Similarly, your wife won't die without you looking into her eyes and really telling her how much you appreciate her over a beautifully prepared dinner. But, is life really just doing things that don't lead to you dying? Do we not want to thrive, not just survive? Does a BJ not help you thrive? Well then you see where I'm going with this.
5. BJ's aren't rational. I mean, it isn't (usually) going to lead to mutual orgasm, it is pretty much one and done (if to completion) for most post-young 20's guys. And you and your wife have so little time with jobs, kids, and exhaustion that it is much more logical to have the sort of sex that can lead to both parties being fulfilled at once, right? That's what your wife thinks. But before you shake your head at her narrow worldview and her underestimation of the awesome impact of the blowjob and how you would be so happy to please her after your BJ was done, consider that YOU'RE DOING THE SAME THING BY SAYING ROMANCE ISN'T RATIONAL. Yes, if you're on a close budget it doesn't make "sense" to send her flowers because they die within a couple of days, and if you have limited down time at work, you may not want to spend it on constructing elaborate romantic plans for that weekend or writing her a funny little email. But the next time you think of romance as irrational, remember the whimsical, illogical blowjob, and perhaps you will be inspired to do something irrational in the name of love for your wife. Like in Say Anything.
6. BJ's remind you of a more passionate and simpler era in your relationship. Namely, the era of the unsolicited BJ. Equivalently, romance reminds your wife of the time in your marriage when you planned dinners out without her asking (read: asking three times and having to schedule the sitter herself). This makes you feel young, vital, and happy. Blowjobs and romance = happier partners.
Guys, you have less than 24 hours till Valentine's Day. Romance now can set you on the path to a marriage that feels alive again to both your wife and to you. Now, remember, romance isn't the same to everyone. If your wife hates Valentine's Day, first ask her if she really does or if she's just saying that, and then ask her what romance means to her. You're likely not going to understand whatever weird abstraction she comes out with in response, so ask a follow up question: "What specific, concrete things would be romantic to you? I want to understand you and give you what you need and want in this marriage, because I love you. I will use your examples to build upon in order to start giving you what you need to feel close and connected." (And if you're the woman who is asked this, a good follow up question is that same one with "sexy" instead of "romantic." Bam, relationship-changing conversation opened.)
Can you tell I'm pulling out all the stops to make your Valentine's Day awesome? You're welcome. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Can't Wait Till You Guys See My Valentine's Day Posts Tomorrow! Even If You're On a Romantic Weekend, Check My Page.