06/24/2015 11:46 am ET | Updated Jun 22, 2016

Bachelorette Recap: The Amazing Nickerdoodle


We open with Ian continuing his narcissistic monologue from last time.  He is really a piece of work.  He tells Kaitlyn she's all surface.  So is his receding hairline.  He attacks Kaitlyn for wanting a funny guy and not a balding narcissist.  To each her own I guess.  The other guys watch Ian walk out, talking still about how deep a thinker he is, how self-aware he is, and how interesting and unique he is.  He reiterates how he doesn't just want to talk about "sex and farts like the other guys."  He whines, "I'm being punished for being intellectual."  In the limo, he tries about ten times to plant the seed in the producers' mind to become the next Bachelor, which is basically never ever ever ever times one million going to happen.  He concludes with "Oh man, I need to have some sex."

Nick in his bowtie discusses Ian's leaving with the other guys who make less annoying sartorial choices.  Nick comforts Kaitlyn about Ian leaving. They bond over not wanting to talk deeply all the time.  Or any of the time.  Back at the cocktail party, the other guys wonder where Nick and Kaitlyn are.  What's his name, the personal trainer she likes, goes up to find her and she's sucking face with Nick.

Kaitlyn discusses how she knows she's a "makeout bandit" right now but physical intimacy is important to her and she doesn't care who knows it.  Go for yours, girlfriend.  I agree with her that she should make out with any guy she's into.  You only live once and what if this happens?

Kaitlyn and Chris Harrison talk and did I mention all this is occurring at the Alamo?  No, because nobody cares.  Well, Jared got the first rose. But I bet he doesn't make the next cut. She's more into alpha males.  Like Nick, ha ha.  But, paradoxically, she is into both alphas and Nick.  Kaitlyn keeps giving out roses and the guy who told her that nobody likes Nick is shaking in his boots, which was smart because he's going home.  He let her give him a bad haircut for no reason, it seems.

Now we're in Dublin. Kaitlyn takes Nick on the first one on one date just as a big fat F You to the other guys.  She's really all about the Nickerdoodle.  He's wearing slim fitting pants that accentuate his buttocks in a really uncomfortable looking way.  Kaitlyn has a bird phobia, and Nick thinks it's cute.  But, of course, as an old married couple, it would go like this:

Kaitlyn: AAH!  Birds!

Nick: I'm leaving you because of your stifling anxiety.  Also, I'm sleeping with Andi because she gave me a second chance.

As they walk down the streets, Nick and Kaitlyn make out fairly continuously. She says her only issue with Nick is their connection may be too passionate.  Nick's ego can't take much more of this abuse.  And on national TV no less!  Nick seems to be more into Kaitlyn this episode than in prior ones, too.  They obviously want to have sex right there.  There is a trend lately toward sexed-up Bachelorettes, like her and Andi.  OMG she asks him if he wants to "go back to her hotel and hang out for a bit."  This is like a train wreck.  She needs to get herself in check.  This is really bad. How humiliating to the other guys, for her to go have sex with Nick on a date.

OMG, this is nuts.  No other Bachelorette or Bachelor, I don't think, has ever openly initiated sex with a contestant on a one-on-one outside the fantasy suite. OMG they adjourn into the bedroom.  This is so embarrassing, she must be drunk.  She's going to regret this so much.  It's so embarrassing.  I'm cringing.  The guys are going to hate Nick, but Kaitlyn initiated this whole thing.  This sucks.

Now we see Nick doing the walk of shame and Kaitlyn on the balcony smiling, and then slowly realizing she messed up, big time.  He's back in the house and tells the guys that he went back to her suite and they "just talked."   I don't know why he told people about the suite time.  It's like how criminals go back to the scene of the crime and get caught.  He couldn't stop the bragging about her invitation to the suite but he can still maintain his self-image as a nice guy because he didn't actually mention the sex.

Now there is a weird date where Kaitlyn lays in a coffin while the men read funny eulogies to her.  Maybe the coffin is foreshadowing for how the men are going to kill her when they found out she slept with Nickerdoodle.  Ben Z. acts sweet and Kaitlyn likes him, but not enough to have sex with him in the coffin, because he's not Nick.

Jared and Kaitlyn canoodle at the group date.  Shawn says he's upset about Nick.  He doesn't know the half of it. Shawn and Kaitlyn sit down and talk.  Jared gets the rose at the group date, and Shawn feels slighted and looks like he's going to cry.

Jared and Kaitlyn make out to the Cranberries singing Linger, because all cool bands stop being cool sometime.  Shawn gets really upset and says he loves Kaitlyn.  He then seeks out a producer to tell him how upset he is.  Wait WHAT IS HAPPENING???  Shawn is telling the producer that Kaitlyn came to his room drunk and told him he was the one.  Is this real?  Is Kaitlyn just going around to all the guys either sleeping with them or telling them she loves them?  He's saying his parents went through a terrible divorce and trust is big to him and he can't do this anymore.  He goes to her room, and humorously enough, she's eating.  That's funny because I wondered when the hell she gets to eat with the cameras on her.  She's crying in the video confessional wondering if Shawn knows about Nick, and then we cut to next week's preview montage.

HEY LOOK WHO IT IS!! It's Britt and her Mommy.  Mommy is meeting the new boyfriend and thinks he's more of a friend.  Can someone get Britt back as the Bachelorette?  Is that possible?  Hello out there?

Anyway, till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says Britt Would Have Slept With Nick More Discreetly.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Pre-order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.