Reader Trying My Best writes:
My fiancé is a medical student and has to spend one year four hours away from me doing rotations. We have been utilizing your blog (thank you!) to think about ways to keep things fresh at a distance. I have vowed to write her a letter every week, we FaceTime nightly, and I will be visiting her about every other week.
One of the things she's suggested is sexting. I've never been good at sexting, and I don't particularly enjoy it. However, at a distance, she is telling me that she "expects" me to sext her, and be creative. I have started to sext her, but I really feel like I'm pushing myself, I feel uncomfortable, and I generally cannot wait until it's over. When she is physically present, things are great. I just have a hard time getting into sexting! Am I weird? What should I do? How do we find common ground so that we are both satisfied?
Dear TMB,
Sometimes I like to take a break from questions about divorce and lack of intimacy and answer something fun like this question. Many people struggle with getting outside their comfort zone sexually, particularly talking about their fantasies or role playing, but there is no harm in trying something new for your relationship, and this may end up being something you enjoy once you feel more confident and see the good reaction that you get.
Women are often more verbal than men, which is why many of them enjoy reading erotic stories, whereas more males like visually-oriented porn. I suggest reading some erotic stories, and you can google this term, in order to get some ideas for sexy and erotic phrases and ideas. Also, ask your girlfriend to share more of her sexual fantasies (ask her via text to kill two birds with one stone here), and then Google erotic stories about these. Some usual fantasies for women are being dominated (read Fifty Shades of Grey for a taste of this even if you find it cheesy), involving other men or women in sex (remember this is just a fantasy so you speak as though you'd want it to happen, how hot she would be in this situation, etc), and generally having you so excited by her that you lose control. If she doesn't like something you bring up, like "OMG! You thought I would like being with another guy?" then you say, "Look, I'm trying to get outside my comfort zone so if you don't like something I try, I would prefer you just tell me so, without any criticism."
View this as you would view any other intellectual challenge. Can you get her to genuinely enjoy your sexting? I bet you can, as you sound like a motivated and hard working guy.
And look some up for your own sexual fantasies too. Once you get better and feel more at ease with sexting (it will happen!), then ask your girlfriend to participate in any sexual fantasies that you may have yourself. Such as the fantasy that she stop asking you to sext her. Just kidding.
Good luck and keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, After Marriage and Kids It Is Likely That You'll Wish You Had The Problem Of Your Wife Asking For Sex Talk.