Many of my clients discuss a feeling of loneliness within their marriages. Often their spouses look at them with confusion or contempt, asking how it's possible to feel alone when they are in fact, in the same house or even room with them a great deal of the time. I've written this article for those who have difficulty telling their spouses, their therapists, or even articulating for themselves why they feel lonely even though they are married. This other article, Mr. and Mrs. Just Not Feeling It, Or The Divorced in Spirit may also be helpful in explaining how you feel as well.
When you feel lonely within your marriage, you don't feel like you're part of anything bigger than yourself. You feel alone, and there is no "we," only you and your spouse, completely separate entities. You may seem to be a happy couple to others (or you may not), and you may be able to keep a united front for the kids (or you may not). Either way, when it is just you and your spouse talking to one another, you don't feel close or connected, and you don't feel secure and safe. You realize that you and your spouse are worlds apart on some basic values, which frightens you and makes you wonder why you married them at all. Your spouse seems to say the wrong thing at the wrong time all the time, and you wonder if this was always the case and you were too young or stupid or infatuated to notice.
You feel like your spouse doesn't pay attention to you. Compliments are few and far between, and not about things that you yourself are proud of. You feel that your spouse wouldn't be able to answer basic questions about what's important to you or what you feel or think on a daily basis. You personally have very little idea what they think about all day either. You have tried to ask and the conversations seem to go nowhere, with your spouse seeming confused and annoyed, wondering what you want.
You often argue about things that are silly, but that are stand-ins for deeper issues. Sometimes you argue because it's the only way to feel that your spouse is even paying attention to you. Every so often, you try to put yourself out there emotionally, but your spouse's tendency to make sarcastic, mean, or cold remarks make you more and more wary of taking any emotional risks, so you say increasingly less about yourself, and the majority of your conversations become about the kids, or work, or the house.
When you are in a lonely marriage, your spouse may want sex as much as ever, but it makes you feel sad, shut down, and even angry when you try, because you feel that there is no emotional connection there. You learn to go through the motions so that you can appease your spouse, or keep up appearances in your own mind, but you often become detached from your own sexuality in the process. Kissing and hugging usually stop before sex, except the kiss goodbye in front of the kids.
In a lonely marriage, sometimes you become a better parent because you throw yourself into your children (but then you worry about smothering them or burdening them with too much of your emotional need), and sometimes you become a worse parent because your depression and anger makes you shut down and pull away from your kids, or snap at them in irritation. Your kids try to cheer you up when you seem sad, and that makes you feel sadder, because you want your kids to have a happy parent. But you just can't rally all the time to seem that way.
Sometimes you are attracted to other people, which makes you feel both guilty and angry. You don't want to be that person who has an affair, but you feel that your spouse is driving you to it with emotional neglect. You find yourself unable to picture what your marriage will look like in five or ten years, or if you can, it makes you sad. You take up many outside interests, throw yourself into work, or make lots of friends in order to show yourself that life can be fine without having a close relationship with your spouse. You thrive in all these environments, but grow more detached at home. Still, sometimes you feel sad and angry. Actually, you feel this way a lot. And the saddest part of your loneliness is that sometimes you have the feeling that your partner feels the same way that you do.
If this describes you, please try to find a couples' therapist, and read on this site about various ways to work on your relationship. Many couples who feel even this level of disconnection find their way back to each other with hard work in counseling, even if only one person goes. Learn about what each of you brings to the table from your childhood (via imago and attachment theories). Also, try and read Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix to help understand how and why you've gotten to this point.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Wants You To Shore up Your Relationship Before The Inevitable Stressors of the Holidays.
photo credit: VinothChandar via photopin cc
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.