Reader MIL Problems writes,
My boyfriend and I have a one-year-old daughter and are currently expecting a second baby in June. We talked about marriage before I became pregnant and agreed we would begin planning when he is finished with a work training this spring.
My problem is how he reacts (or doesn't) to how my mother in law acts towards me and my daughter. I usually ask him to resolve or question the issue and he sometimes does so begrudgingly. Other times he defends her and tells me I am imagining things. I did speak sharply to her on one occasion where my daughters safety was compromised. I apologized the next day which was never acknowledged by her. My boyfriend said I should have never spoken to her in the tone that I did and I "ruined things forever." He claims he defended me to his family.
I have explained that I am feeling second and that he needs to support me and make sure that our decisions as parents are respected. He tries to explain that he is committed to me and our family and that I am creating situations in my head, am in a competition with his mother, he doesn't know what my "problem" is. I have admitted that when he allows our decisions to be changed, undermined, or ignored it makes me feel insecure as we are not married. I feel with each conflict it is becoming more clear I will always be second to his mom and we could potentially never be married or worse allow this conflict to end our relationship.
I do not know how to feel secure with our current situation. I do not feel I have problems with his mother exactly. Both he and I agree that she just wants to be able to spend time with her granddaughter which is great. I feel my problem is more how he allows her to have control over our daughter either from ignoring directions or just not asking. He has asked me to leave problems with his mother alone and "be the bigger person."
Dear MILP,
I'm sorry you're unhappy and feeling insecure in your relationship. Your situation is sadly common, and here you can read about a woman who feels that her inlaws almost ruined her marriage. However, I believe that the issue is not really between you and your MIL, as you note yourself. It's more about your partner's desire to stay on the fence during conflicts between you and his mom. If he took your side, she would be a lot easier to deal with. But if he doesn't come to your defense, everything escalates.
You and your partner are falling into the classic "pursuer-distancer" pattern, where you try to get more commitment and more displays of love from him, and in reaction to feeling pushed, he withdraws and minimizes your concerns. I discuss this idea here. It is essential to think about why you may have fallen into this pattern, and I believe it's likely because you may have experienced invalidation in your past, which makes you more likely to stay in this familiar situation where your preferences and needs are being dismissed.
As I told this woman, these family dynamics are unlikely to change, at least not easily or quickly. Your husband was raised by his mom and she taught him to put her first. Unlike the woman in that article, though, you already have kids with your partner, so you can't just extricate yourself from the situation entirely. You may always be second to his mom, or else he may also be able to learn to respect you more and prioritize you. It is likeliest that this could happen in couples counseling, because you just telling him how to act differently hasn't worked thus far. A couples counselor would also be able to help you see anything you are doing to contribute to the downward spiral this relationship is on, so it wouldn't just be all about him and his mom.
The birth of the second child is a notoriously difficult time for couples, so it is smart to think about resolving, or starting to resolve, these issues now. Your future happiness is dependent on figuring out whether you can stay in this situation or go, and your kids deserve you both to fight for the marriage if at all possible. If your boyfriend won't try counseling, then I would recommend delaying the wedding, because if he puts his head in the sand about the need to work on this now, then it is, unfortunately, probably less likely that you will last as a couple.
Good luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Or Just Let Her Babysit Your Toddler When You Have a Newborn, By Then You'll Be So Exhausted You Won't Care What She Does.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.