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The Bachelor Recapped By Someone Who Has Actually Been To Iowa, Unlike Any of the Contestants

02/10/2015 03:15 pm ET | Updated Apr 12, 2015

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We open with Kelsie having a fake panic attack while the other women gaze at her unmoved.  She is trying to make sure that Chris doesn't dump her after she insisted that Chris isn't going to dump her.  Kelsie looks sly and sneaky beneath her oxygen mask, which is no small feat, but this is the woman who's an unlikable young widow, so she has skillz with a Z.  Chris bends over Kelsie on the floor, and she tries to imply that he made her faint by telling the other women that she shared her widow story with him.  Master manipulator strikes again.

Kelsie says, "The wave of all the emotions was too much and I fainted."  Hello, Simon and Schuster?  Get this woman a book deal.  She is so eloquent.  Whitney doubts that Chris will give Kelsie a rose for fainting, which shows that she is a fool, because anyone who faints gets a rose.   Chris obviously feels distaste for Kelsie, like people feel for the undead or other unnatural creatures, but will he be able to eliminate her after her faux panic attack?  You'll have to wait till after this skin care commercial to find out.  Wait, the redhead from Grey's Anatomy that was McSteamy's ex wife is the Garnier girl?  Disorienting.  There is a Chanel perfume commercial that makes me wish I were young again.  Maybe I can recapture the feeling by purchasing a bottle of perfume.  Sounds fail-safe.

Rose ceremony.  The girls despise Kelsie.  The hatred radiates out of their eyes, or are those false eyelashes?  Both.  Ashley the Pseudo-Kardashian (PK) cries for a change.  Kelsie still is confident.  It's between the single mom and Kelsie and Chris picks Kelsie!  What can he be thinking?  Kelsie is probably an android.  The single mom was at least a sweet person. Carly calls Kelsie a black widow, which is a pretty good insult for an actual widow.

We see Chris's bare chest for no reason.  There isn't even a pretend reason.  Unrelatedly, now everyone is going to South Dakota because it's the one place in the US that The Bachelor has not already visited in other seasons.  The girls are valiantly trying to act like this place is as cool as an actually cool place.  We see a white cat and there is ominous music. The producers apparently couldn't find a black cat. Close enough.

Kelsie says she feels like she deserves a one on one.  Instead, Becca gets the one on one.  Kelsie looks like someone just killed her husband and then refused to allow her to utilize the story of the murder to get dates with other men.  We see Chris walking through a meadow and greeting Becca.  They are a remarkably healthy, American looking couple.  Their babies would come out smelling of apple pie and literal thinking.  Chris says Becca looks "smoking hot on that horse." God, if I had a nickel for every time a guy said that about me, I would have no nickels.  Becca is nice and boring.  So Chris probably won't pick her, because he is also nice and boring.  Nice and boring usually goes for dramatic. Mark my words.

Back at the sorority house, Whitney tells Kelsie she's fake in not so many words.  Kelsie backpedals and basically comes off manipulative and slightly sociopathic.  Kelsie says, "I get it.  I'm blessed with eloquence, and I use a lot of big words, because I'm smart."  For real, she says that.  In the confessional, but still.  I wonder if one of the big words she knows is "narcissist."

Chris and Becca roast marshmallows over the fire and sing God Bless America and move west in covered wagons because they are so goddamn all American.  They laugh together, and Chris likes her, because she's a hot female.  Now they start talking about having FOUR TO SIX KIDS.  Godspeed, you beautiful blonde breeders.  Chris and Becca talk about their future relationship or their past relationships or something, it's so boring. that I need a snack.

Cut to the house.  The date card arrives.  Everyone hopes Kelsie gets a two on one and then gets eliminated. She does get the two on one, with PK, who has metamorphosed into Elvira via the careful application of makeup.  Kelsie obviously says she's going to win.

Back on the date, Becca, who is a virgin, giggles over the idea of her Dad seeing her kiss on TV.  Don't worry Becca, it'll just make it easier when he sees you disappear into the Fantasy Suite to emerge without your maidenhead.

Group date. Chris says he loves country music.  Of course he does.  The people who sing "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" are here.  Some of the women are excited.  I am not.  Jade says that she's "on a struggle bus" when trying to write a song.  I'm on a struggle bus trying to not judge someone who uses that phrase.  Maybe it's a lost cause bus.  Someone please correct me if she didn't really say struggle bus.  Wait, I googled it.  Struggle bus is a real phrase.  Mind blown.  Or, mind blown bus.  Then Chris and Britt classily make out in front of all the other women.  This intensifies Jade's struggle bus. The bus is basically on life support now.

Chris sings a country song that he made up and the women swoon, reswoon and superswoon.  Swoon bus.  The girls all sing songs back to him and Chris eats it up.  Then Carly sings her song, and since she's an actual singer, she obviously rocks it.  Jade sings despite her insecurity and everyone loves it.  Moral of the story: sing country songs in order to get a farmer to love you.  Also, be young and hot.  Chris loves that Jade put herself out there to sing despite being nervous.  Jade tells him she "could see being in Iowa." And she doesn't follow it up with fake retching.

Chris takes Britt to ... a concert?  What is going on?  The other women remark on how Chris and Britt have such a strong connection and it makes them feel bad.  So Chris takes Britt to a concert and leaves the other women just sitting there on the group date.  He gives her the rose onstage.  Wow, he is really being crap to the other women.  Britt is crying with joy.  I told you guys women love public displays of affection.  Chris comes back in with Britt and the women are mad at him, probably because he just LEFT THE DATE and had his own one on one with Britt.  WTF, Chris.  You're not being very farming.  You're being a bit of a motherfarmer, actually.  Whoa, they were gone for over an hour.  The women cry and feel "humiliated" and "invisible," probably because, to reiterate, Chris just LEFT THE GROUP DATE AND MADE HIS OWN ONE ON ONE.

Now PK and Kelsie, aka The Black Widow, have their two on one.  Chris waits by a helicopter, where he has secreted Britt to usurp both women.  Just kidding, hopefully.  The three of them fly around the Badlands.  I think he's going to eliminate both of them.  PK attacks Chris with her weird kissing style.  It's kind of like what the octopus in The Rainbow Fish would kiss like.  PK is telling Chris that Kelsie is fake.  Now he has alone time with The Black Widow who places her hand on his shoulder in an awkward way.  She tells him that he should know she can be a wife because she's been one already, "so your difficult decision is determining: am I the kind of wife that you want?"  And he says NO NO NO.  In his head.  But he brings up that the girls think she's fake BY THROWING ASHLEY UNDER THE BUS and saying Ashley just told him that.  WTF Chris?  You are breaking honor codes left and right.

The Black Widow cries and says PK is "playing a game" but she, the Black Widow is "a woman."  She says to PK, "I know what you did."  The plot thickens and we learn that PK and The Black Widow both have their Masters degrees, which is more shocking than if Chris actually had a vagina. A vagina with a Masters degree.  PK goes off to find Chris, hopefully to yell at him for ratting her out.  Yup. He says sorry and comforts her. She cries and cries and I think he's finally going to cut her loose. Yup, he does, by saying what anyone with half a brain knew, which is that she wouldn't be happy with his lifestyle.  She flips out.  Kelsie smiles as PK approaches in tears.  PK is really sobbing.  Poor girl.  Holy #$%# I think Chris is going to dump Kelsie too! I called it!  I totally called it!  Bam!  He says he doesn't know if "it's there" between them.  Chris flies away in a helicopter and vultures eat Kelsie's carcass.  Back at the house, the production assistants pick up Kelsie's suitcase and the women rejoice and pop open champagne, literally.

Next time, there is a TWO DAY BACHELOR EVENT which basically means I will get nothing done for two nights straight.  Britt appears to have a mental breakdown and the women actually see Iowa, and, gasp, don't like it.  Oh, also, Jade is a Playboy model. No biggie.  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Thinks Britt Will Probably Win, Unless She Actually Is Committed Into a Mental Hospital, And Probably Even Then.

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