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The Bachelor Recapped By Someone Who Resents The Intrusion of the "Women Tell All" Episode

03/11/2015 05:44 pm ET | Updated May 09, 2015
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The worst day of the year is The Bachelor's "Women Tell All" episode. I wait a week, seven entire days, to see who is going to win the whole season. Instead, I get this awful intrusive mother-in-law of an episode, that gets in between me and the finale like a co-sleeping infant gets in the way of having sex with your husband. An analogy which the lithe, sexy winner of this show will understand all too well within 10 months max of marrying Prince Farming. Mark my words.

Anyway, as I choke down my disgust, I turn on this horrific monstrosity of a television event. Why, you ask? Because I am as self-sacrificing as a reality-show-loving Mother Teresa and I know you guys want, nay, need me to recap the Bachelor whether or not I personally find the episode to be offensive and repellent. Immediately upon turning on the TV, like a slap to the face, I see the spitefully smiling visage of the never-aging Chris Harrison, an android if I ever saw one, introducing the retinue of pathological ex-contestants. But before that, we'll "crash Bachelor viewing parties," where a 40-year-old woman kisses Chris on the lips and he pretends he's never kissed a cougar before, and some girls almost faint upon seeing Chris, and not because he showed them the results of his latest IQ test.

Commercial. Phew. I need a break from this poor excuse for a "Bachelor episode." Do you see helicopters? Are there roses? Is Chris eliminating women because they have self-esteem and/or terminal degrees? THEN THIS CANNOT BE CONSIDERED AN EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR, ABC! Here's a Pampers commercial like a knife to the heart of 28-year-old single girls watching this show and yearning for a Chris of their very own. And now here's a commercial for Overstock.com, so if you're single, you can buy yourself a twin bed to drink yourself to death in, because you don't have an Iowan farmer to impregnate you.

Chris Harrison is back introducing women we don't even remember because they got kicked off the show in the first episode. Chris says some BS, and we recap earlier episodes. So we're watching TV, on TV. Because we couldn't just do the damn finale this week, right, Chris Harrison? You sadist.

We recap Kelsie, aka The Black Widow, who looks bland as usual. We then turn to Britt, who is another manipulative, crazy person with better makeup. Moral of the story: If you're going to lose your mind, lose the Chapstick first. Men love hot crazy girls, and men are neutral about neutral-looking crazy girls. Britt asks Carly why she pretended to be her friend, and I pretend to give a flying F. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? WHY AM I NOT A QUARTER OF THE WAY THROUGH THE FINALE RIGHT NOW? WHAT IF I FALL INTO A COMA BEFORE NEXT WEEK AND THE LAST "EPISODE" I WATCHED OF THE BACHELOR WAS THIS ONE?

Britt and Carly are still interacting. Britt has good makeup again. Chris Harrison barely restrains himself from yawning. Then he invites Britt up to the stage in order to sniff test her to see if she showers. Jade the Playboy model gives her two cents about whether Britt is fake. Oh wow, here's Jillian the bodybuilder; she hates Carly and loves Britt. Britt is defending how much she wants kids, and apparently has a lot of experience in orphanages. Someone give this woman an orphan to adopt and then she can bypass needing Chris as a husband. Everyone wins.

Now the Pseudo-Kardashian sells Britt up river too. Everyone gangs up on Britt. I'm too depressed to make a gang bang joke. Why am I even doing this? Why am I not seeing women meeting Chris's farmer family and Neil Lane helping Prince Farming pick out a diamond ring? Why are we even here? OMG they are still talking. Britt uses the word "juxtaposition" twice. The audience claps for her. Will she be the next Bachelorette? The juxtaposition between her hotness and her emotional volatility is impressive. Guys go for that shizzle.

After the commercial break, Britt continues to cry to Chris Harrison because this farce is on instead of the finale. No wait, that's why I'm crying. We move on to the Black Widow, Kelsie. We recap her "journey." We recap the time she told Chris about her husband dying and then told the camera how "amazing" her widowhood story is. Then she faked a panic attack. Class act all around. Kelsie comes off like a sociopath. What else is new. Kelsie says she knows why the women don't like her and it's because she's "condescending and uses big words." She says she understands how she could have been misinterpreted as "tactical" aka supremely manipulative. The other women look like they want to rip her to shreds with their bare teeth. She apologizes to the Pseudo Kardashian (PK). Okay great, that's a wrap, can we start the finale now?
Apparently not. The women all tell Kelsie that they hate her. Blah blah blah. Megan says "my dad dropped dead as well." Understated. Everyone gangs up on Kelsie and she apologizes for everything, which deflates some of the drama. Not to worry, it's back. Now Kelsie brings up how PK said that maybe Kelsie's husband didn't even exist. I'm sure he existed. But you know what doesn't exist? THE FINALE. Kelsie says she has not lost hope. I have, for this evening. Chris asks if Kelsie is glad she did the show, and of course she says she challenges herself to grow everyday yadda yadda yadda whatta gal.

Now we talk about the actual crazy person on the show, that girl who was hallucinating, Ashley. Ashley joins Chris and brings him an onion. Does my life have any meaning? What is this travesty of an episode obstructing me from sweet communion with the finale? Are there any snack foods I can binge eat? Oh wow, Chris just invited Ashley onto Bachelor in Paradise! Which means there will be Bachelor in Paradise! So, my recaps will continue! One good thing came out of watching this cursed episode.

Now we turn to Jade the Playboy bunny. She's upset because Chris dumped her. And since he dumped her, WHY ARE WE TALKING TO HER? WHY IS SHE ON TV? WHY IS THIS EPISODE HAPPENING? Jade cries. I cry. Everyone cries. Now we talk to Kaitlyn who got dumped last time. She cries. Will she, not Britt, be the next Bachelorette? Probably. A half hour left. Will there be dancing monkeys? What else can we talk about for 30 minutes? Oh, we can talk about Kaitlyn putting her guard up, or down, or sideways.

Chris enters. Britt starts crying. She asks to come up onstage with Chris, and hugs him. Then she stabs him. Just kidding. Chris specifies that he didn't dump Britt based on Carly telling him Britt was fake. Does Britt think she can get Chris back? On the "Women Tell All" episode? That would be nuts. Now Kaitlin discusses feeling blindsided when he kicked her off. Chris tries to explain himself and fails. He apologizes for not taking her aside before the rose ceremony to kick her to the curb. Now it's Jade's turn to harass Chris for rejecting her. And then we turn to the blooper reel, and because I have an iota of self-respect remaining, I refuse to recap it.

Chris turns the knife slowly in my heart by affirming that the finale is in fact one entire week away. Hold up, are we in the Twilight Zone? Because Chris Harrison presents the romance novel that he has written, and he's being serious. Next week, we see Iowa, a barn, a virgin, Whitney, a huge ass diamond ring, insecurity, drama, ambivalence, a limo, a tuxedo, and a Bachelor who I would bet my life can't solve a Rubix cube. Or this word scramble: HCRIS.

Anyway, till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Hated This Wretched Placesaver of an Episode.

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