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The Bachelorette Recap by Someone Who Thinks JJ Is Annoying as Hell

05/26/2015 04:54 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2016

Welcome back to the Bachelorette, the only thing that could possibly compensate for a three day weekend with three kids under 5.  Except recreational drugs.

rose

After an irritating talk between Kaitlyn and Chris Harrison, we cut to the guys drinking mimosas, in an effort to counteract the gender biases in every other aspect of this show.  One of the men is also nicknamed "Cupcake."  The most virile of the men discuss how they preferred Britt, while Cupcake and a couple of other less attractive guys discussed how psyched they are that Kaitlyn won.

Now we see Britt, forlorn and talking to her mom on the phone from her hotel room.  Her mom, like me, is shocked that Britt was ousted.  Now we hear a knock on the door and it's Brady, the "singer-songwriter" who followed her because he loves her.  But then we cut back to the actual Bachelorette, which I find not even remotely as intriguing as this Britt/Brady deal.

Back at the ranch, some guys pretend to be excited about being invited to the group date.  Jared, who resembles a serial killer, but only in his facial appearance, mannerisms, and voice, is really excited to see Kaitlyn.  The other guys psych themselves up for competition with each other, with Kaitlyn as an incidental semi-prize.  Laila Ali, who is someone I apparently should have heard of, is there, and she makes the requisite "boxing is like love" analogy.  Jared, aka Son of Sam, tries to flirt with Kaitlyn and it's awkward.  Kuba, the guy who admitted he was into Britt, isn't paying attention to Kaitlyn and she is annoyed.

Laila Ali tells the guys they are going to fight each other.  Son of Sam looks predictably bizarro without his shirt on, with a strange pattern of chest hair that, if you examine it closely, gives the detectives a clue about where he has buried his victims.

Cut to a minivan commercial, and I'm like, "Damn, maybe I should upgrade from my Dodge Caravan.  With all this unpaid blogging I do, I can certainly afford it."

We see attractive shirtless men in their 20's doing pushups, and all the moms in my demographic feel a sensation that we vaguely remember from the era before having small children.  It's either arousal or an impending UTI.  The men start fighting, and none of them wants to look like a weenie in front of Kaitlyn, which shows how The Bachelorette makes use of evolutionary imperatives.  Son of Sam is placed with Ben, a guy easily 40 pounds heavier than him, and gets a whupping which Kaitlyn looks sad about, since she is an idiot who doesn't realize that people can get hurt when punching each other.

Son of Sam gets hit in the back of the head and is checked for a concussion and sent to the hospital, where, under anesthesia, he will admit to being a ritual murderer.  Kaitlyn picks the guy who landed Son of Sam in the hospital as her first date, because women are predictable and say they don't like violence but secretly find it exciting.  Ben then tells her that his mom died when he was 14, so he's in like a hot knife through human flesh wielded by "Jared."

Is Kaitlyn actually attractive?  Some accountant looking guy thinks so.  Kaitlyn is interrupted by a delivered note from Son of Sam, who has risen like a phoenix from the ashes and OMG he gets the first kiss.  She says it's like fireworks.  I guess her type is "weird and awkward guys who resemble ferrets crossed with mass murderers."  To each her own.

Back at the man harem (hereafter, "marem"), some guy who looks like a Ken doll gets the date card.  Kaitlyn addresses all the guys on the group date, and Kobe or Kebo barely conceals his boredom because he can't wait to get back to the room and pleasure himself to memories of his moments with Britt.  Ben gets the rose because he's a hot guy with a dead mom, which is the exact combination that spells "Perfect Husband."

We cut to commercial before they update me on the real story here, which is how Britt is faring with her lovestruck Romeo. A Weight Watchers commercial is ideally positioned to lure women who feel like crap about themselves after looking at Kaitlyn in athletic gear.

Back to the marem.  Clint, aka Ken Doll, goes out in a ride with Kaitlyn, who, in another sassy twist on traditional gender roles despite this show being where feminism goes to gnaw out its own eyeballs, drives them to the date herself.  For real, I think she has a driver's license, and possibly even a voter registration card.  Check it out, the date is an underwater photo shoot, which is approximately the last thing that anyone would ever voluntarily choose to do.  The weird photographer tells Ken Doll and Kaitlyn to heat up their inner selves via breathing exercises.  No commentary necessary.

So now, K and K jump into the water in their formal clothes, because that's normal, and they kiss underwater.  How cute.  It's a lot like my life, except for the formal wear, the underwater part, and the making out with strange guys.  Also I don't have tattoos and I'm not from Canada.  We are, however, both female.

Commercial for Fitbit.  We are just hammering home how fat and out of shape the audience is that watches this show, aren't we?  Oh hey it's a Breyer's Gelato Indulgences commercial.  Funny joke, ABC.

Marem time.  The Plant Talker wants to see if he can coexist with Kaitlyn.  Possibly not, since she is a mammal.  JJ the investment banker gets on my nerves.  Another group date invitation which is potentially to a comedy club, so get your body ready to cringe.

K and K enjoy the remainder of their date.  The Plant Talker is encouraged by the other men to express his true crazy to Kaitlyn.  He slips up and calls Kaitlyn "Britt," for real.  Kaitlyn calls Ken Doll "a hunk of a man," which she just called Ben.  Get some new material, girl.  She is really taking charge here by grabbing K to kiss him.  She is kind of aggressive, actually.  WHO CARES WHO CARES GET BACK TO BRITT AND WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH HER!!  Sorry, that was my id talking.

Now we have a commercial for Crohn's disease, which just keeps the fun vibe going.  Now the watcher demographic is single, out of shape, with a debilitating stomach disorder.  We see a commercial for the upcoming Astronaut Wives' Club show, which appears to be a cross between Mad Men and Desperate Housewives, if both of those shows sucked.

We see Kaitlyn at the comedy club with Amy Schumer, who is actually really funny.  This date will win for most awkward date ever.  Cupcake the dentist thinks he will tank, and he's probably right.  Amy Schumer hates JJ the investment banker, possibly because he's a douchebag.  Ian the attractive balding guy (for real) is first.  Then we have the welder and then the dentist, who does well.  The Plant Healer does predictably horrifically.

The welder and Kaitlyn discuss that he is "a love virgin."  WHERE IS BRITT WHERE IS BRITT WHERE IS BRITT????!!!!!  Anyway, the Plant Talker perpelexes and offends Kaitlyn with a combination lock analogy.  JJ cries to Kaitlyn about how his daughter is growing up so fast (she's three).  Kaitlyn says how she is so attracted to him talking about his kid.  Evolutionary imperative.  Joe (I think) takes Kaitlyn outside and kisses her.  He tells her that even if she hadn't been picked as the Bachelorette, he would have found a way to see her WHICH REMINDS ME OF BRITT, WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH BRITT?? JJ gets the rose for talking about his kid.

Rose ceremony. The guys with roses all agree to give the other guys more time to talk with Kaitlyn.  Except JJ, who is a jackass and says it's as much his time to talk to her as anyone else's.  Then he takes her out of the room as soon as she comes in.  Everyone hates him now.  He says he's feeling "smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence" wrapped inside of a douchebag.  The Old Spice guy confides in Kaitlyn about his car accident where they said he wouldn't walk again, and of course he ended up walking, running, and (unspoken) copulating like a tough ass mofo.  This conversation implicitly demonstrates the genetic superiority of his sperm and Kaitlyn responds accordingly by making out with him.

JJ keeps acting like an ass, and the guys keep hating him, especially the Plant Talker.  Kupah discusses that he thinks he's the token minority.  He sits down with Kaitlyn and she talks about how he ignored her at the boxing date.  He actually brings up the token minority idea, which is something I've wondered about, whether the producers rig it so that there are people of all races (except Asians, why are there never Asians, ABC?).  Now Kaitlyn feels sad and hurt, because she wasn't keeping him around because he was a minority but because she likes him.  He tries to backtrack and calls her "a pretty, pretty girl" which is probably not what he should have said, because everyone knows that "pretty" means "not beautiful."

Now Kupah goes and loudly tells the guys what happened.  Now she feels really upset and tells him he should go home, and then he takes a big gulp of his drink and refuses to go.  He actually seems kind of unpredictable and like he doesn't take no for an answer, so I'm glad she's letting him go.  Now he's getting loudly angry with the producers, and screaming.

Brady and Britt are back!  She's been hanging out with him for a week and now they are boyfriend and girlfriend!  Yay!  Anyway, the rest of the drama will continue next time.  And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says Kupah Just Beat Out JJ For The Jerk Award.

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