THE BLOG

The Bachelorette Recap By Someone Who Was Wrong, Wrong Wrong

05/21/2015 11:31 am ET | Updated May 19, 2016

rose

We open with Chris telling Britt that she isn't the Bachelorette!  Holy #$%$ that was NOT what I thought.  What the F.  I predict some of the guys just up and leave when they realize Britt is gone.  That's so totally bizarre.  I attribute it to more guys thinking they would have a shot with Kaitlyn.   Britt cries in the limo going to the airport, where she will probably meet a guy on the flight and marry him.

Now Chris tells Kaitlyn she's the Bachelorette!  She is so excited.  Now that Britt isn't around, Kaitlyn looks a lot hotter.  Kind of like when I walk onto the runway and make all the other models look ugly.  And by "walk onto the runway" I mean eat granola on the couch and by "all the other models" I don't actually mean any logical sequence of words at all.

The camera focuses on the three guys who wanted Kaitlyn while she tells her mom that she is the Bachelorette.  This whole thing is bizarre, because how are the guys that were totally into Britt supposed to switch gears believably to Kaitlyn?  I mean this whole show is dependent on the idea that the guys instantaneously fall in love with whoever the Bachelorette is.  This is a new psychological variable, and, as always, The Bachelorette teaches us about the human brain.

JJ opens up to Kaitlyn, and proves yet again that women dig vulnerability.  Now another guy, Chris, kisses Kaitlyn!  Bam, now she's really the bachelorette.  Now she gives the rose to the personal trainer Sean.  And she kisses him too.  She's pretty aggressive in how she tells the guys how attractive they are.

Now it's the rose ceremony. Oh hey this episode is only going to be an hour!  I thought they were all up to like four hours each by now.  The country music guy, or maybe he's a poet, or maybe he's a welder, whatever, who really was in love with Britt is going to ask to go home, I bet.  Yup, I was right.  He is going to find Britt and see if she's open to finding love.  I told you that would happen!  I hope they show us his meeting with her.  She'll have to dump the guy she met on the plane though.

The guys seem to think that if they picked Kaitlyn, she should pick them over guys who picked Britt.  This is a logical fallacy, but logic is not a strong suit here. One of the guys notes that there are fewer and fewer roses with every guy she calls.  Yes.

So Kaitlyn bids her rejected suitors, including the stripper, farewell.  Now the montage of the upcoming season.... Check it out, this season is in New York.  I guess they ran out of exotic locations.  What's this?  Nick from Andi's season is back? Oh and Kaitlyn sleeps with either Nick or someone else and all the guys start to hate her, because sex is evil.  Now we see the guy who loves Britt pull up to see Britt!  And of course we don't get to see him actually open her hotel room door, because the world is unfair. Till next week, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says Britt Would Have Managed To Have Sex Without Offending The Other Guys Because She is Magical.

For more, visit Dr. Rodman at Dr. Psych Mom, on Facebook, or on Twitter @DrPsychMom.