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The Bachelorette Recap: Nick No Longer the Biggest Narcissist on the Show

06/16/2015 03:57 pm ET | Updated Jun 15, 2016

rose

Nick enters the men's hotel suite and they murder him.  Actually they only glare at him but it's emotionally similar.  The men make fun of him for pursuing his "16th minute of fame," which is pretty amusing.  He pretends like he only wants to be on the show because of Kaitlyn and not because he's a fame whore.  I hope it comes out that they're all lying and Kaitlyn and Nick have previously hooked up.  That would be awesome.  Nick calls Kaitlyn a "cool chick" and one of the guys jumps down his throat for not calling her an "amazing woman."  WTF.

Shawn B. is disillusioned, and women everywhere care because he's hot, apparently.  Am I weird that I don't think he's hot?  Then again, it's not like he's going for Britt here.  Nick follows the other guys to the rose ceremony from ten steps behind, like a tribesman who has been cursed by the shaman and is now being ostracized by the tribe and left for dead.

The men are in a baseball field because random changes of scenery are par for the course here.  Kaitlyn looks like she invested in some hair extensions and hooker boots for the occasion.  JJ runs around the bases while carrying Kaitlyn to prove that he's still in the game after his breakup with Clint.  Shawn and Kaitlyn converse on a deep and intimate level about how he thinks she's an idiot for inviting Nick onto the show.

The men literally shiver from cold on the baseball field but try not to show it.  I think she should have them stand there in the cold until they freeze or beg for cover.  The last man standing gets her.  Actually, the last man standing gets Britt, and the second to last gets her.  Wait, is Nick not going to get a rose?  Oh no, there's one left.  He has to get a rose, she loves him.  Basically, I think she's into him because he's so casual and emotionally unavailable.  Stupid stupid.  Yup, she gives him a rose while he contracts pneumonia from the cold.

Now the whole gang travels to San Antonio, for no reason I can see.  The men continue to despise Nick because of in-group out-group bias, as you may recall from Intro to Psych (since mostly females watch this and mostly females major in Psychology).  He's the only one in the out-group though.

Kaitlyn and Ben H. (I think but I can't be bothered to rewind and confirm) go on a date in a tractor or a pickup truck or something.  They take two-step dance lessons and Ben H. sucks.  You know, the Bachelor is running out of endearing activities to have people do on dates.  Maybe next date they can shear a sheep.  Ben H. compulsively licks his lips during the dancing.  She says "There's something between Ben and I that's comfortable."  It's certainly not her pocket edition of Warriner's English Grammar and Composition.

Ben H. doesn't seem to be very talkative.  He then commits the cardinal Bachelor sin: he DOESN'T OPEN UP.  That's worse than not liking helicopter rides.  Oh, but here we go: he's opening up.  He says his ex dumped him or something.  I don't really understand what the big revelation was, but it's "important" to Kaitlyn, and she rewards his emotional disclosure with the rose.

 The guys go on a group date where they compose and sing mariachi songs to Kaitlyn in front of an audience.  When did the Bachelorette become primarily about public humiliation?  Why is the goal to be a humongous extrovert?  Where is the book reading competition?  How about the competition where the guys cook dinner and do the laundry and take care of a squalling baby?  Anyway, Nick serenades Kaitlyn from the balcony, which is trying to one up the other guys. He does well because he's joking around and says "erection."

Kaitlyn gives Josh a haircut and it looks horrendous.  Nick and Kaitlyn make out.  He sits back and she leans forward into him.  This doesn't bode well, just like his hands at his sides didn't bode well last time.  He's not 100% into her and I would stake my life that he isn't going to marry her.  Josh again says that he doesn't trust Nick.  Then he tells Kaitlyn privately that none of the guys like Nick, and she gets mad at the guys for "lying" to her and "pretending" they are okay with Nick being there.

Kaitlyn then goes out and confronts the guys and they all deny that they dislike Nick.  So Josh looks like the bad guy, and he also has a bad haircut.  Poor Josh.

Kaitlyn goes on a kayak one-on-one date with Shawn.  They are kayaking parallel to each other, which isn't that romantic, but whatever. At night, he tells her about a car accident he was in and a near-death experience.  BAM!  He tells her he's falling in love with her.  First guy to say it, and she is super into him.  In fact, she says, "I feel the same way." I think that's against the Bachelor rules.

Back at the house, Ian says he's a catch, good looking and smart and awesome and women always like him and there's something wrong with Kaitlyn that she doesn't seem to notice him.  Wah wah.  Then during the cocktail party, he tells the camera that Kaitlyn isn't half as hot as his ex-girlfriend, which basically means he's making a play to get back with that girl by saying that on national TV.  Ian keeps talking about how awesome and charismatic and enigmatic he is and how Kaitlyn is uninteresting.  Then he says that he has a lot of sex in his regular life.  He's a true narcissist.

Now he says the guys in the house are too shallow for him, and he's not being ironic.  He also basically calls Kaitlyn a whore and a "surface level person."  Then we cut to black.  And next time, Kaitlyn has sex with some dude.

Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, I Bet It's Nick.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Pre-order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.