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The Bachelorette(s) Recap By Someone Who, Like Every Other Sentient Being, Thinks Britt is Hot

05/21/2015 01:02 pm ET | Updated May 19, 2016

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We start another season of the Bachelorette and it's more amazing than ever, because it has two bachelorettes pitted against each other in a death match.  In the montage of both women, we see that Kaitlyn knows the word "deflect" and Britt is insane.  Britt also doesn't shower but has the best hair ever. Kaitlyn tells dirty jokes.  These women seem interchangeable to me, which indicates that I am officially older than the ideal Bachelor watching demographic, because the point of the montage is that they are Very Different.

The women ride in a limo to meet the men, and we get a look at some of these guys and they say which girl they would prefer to sleep with, but they phrase it as "date."  None of them are allowed to say "both at the same time," but we all know that's their #1 answer.  The first lucky guy is a dad from Detroit.  So he won't get canned right away, since he has a kid, and both Britt and Kaitlyn are Really Nice.  He wants to sleep with Britt.  Next is a guy named Joe from Kentucky who might as well just be Chris.  Oh look, here he is feeding a horse.  He wants to sleep with Kaitlyn.

Next we have the token lawyer, but he's also a fireman-- oh no, he's a stripper!  Well that's novel.  Oh now we have a country singer.  He's also had "melodies inside him that marry together pain and joy" or something because my eardrums were cringing too hard to hear.  He wants to sleep with Britt and "would have a blast getting to know her" vagina.  We have some more boring guys, then the token athlete, but he was hit by a car.  After he was in a coma, he asked, "Can I run again?"  I would have asked for orange juice or something.  Part of what the accident taught him was to keep moving forward.  Hopefully while looking both ways at crosswalks.

Now there is a lunatic who calls himself "Love Man" and is talking to his dog about who he wants to sleep with.  And now we have a yogi.  But he calls himself a "healer."  He is so spiritual that he talks to plants.  And now we have the token personal trainer, who is also combined with the token guy with a dead parent.  Two birds!  I hope if I die young(ish), it gives Levi a leg up on the competition on The Bachelorette 2040.  Not that he needs it, because he is such a handsome guy.

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I just accidentally deleted an hour's worth of writing about this episode.  I cannot bring myself to rewatch it, so here are the highlights:

1. Britt is hotter than Kaitlyn, everyone knows it and it's awkward.

2. Britt is also super socially adept and capable of making men love her with a single glance.

3. Kaitlyn is funny, which makes her less hot, because men don't actually like funny, unless by "funny" they mean "laughs at my jokes."

4. The men love Britt because she is the hottest woman in the world and is awesome at empathy but is also crazy.

5. Even the guy who talks to plants prefers Britt.

6. The girls seem to go for personal trainers with New York accents, WTF, they should just go to where I grew up in Brooklyn.

7. Also, Britt is hot.

Anyway, we pick back up with some guy telling Kaitlyn she's confident, which is inaccurate.  One guy says Britt is a 15 out of 10 and another guy says she's a solid "billion."  Guys say that about me all the time.  Except that doesn't actually happen.

The guys agonize over which girl will be the Bachelorette.  A bodyguard and Chris Harrison open the box of votes.  For real.  Hold up, this thing continues tomorrow?  I just saw this is two parts.  Do you mean to say they aren't even going to say who wins tonight?  OMG.  Kaitlyn says if she was the Bachelorette, it would be the best moment of her life and her husband is in this room.  The human mind is capable of amazing feats of self deception.  And it's over.  Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion.  Spoiler: Britt remains hot.

And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Thinks Kaitlyn Has No Shot.

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