Hello, male readers. It's another edition of ways I make your life easier. Oh, and before I get harassed by women who always say exactly what they mean in bed, let me put out a disclaimer: SOME WOMEN ALWAYS SAY WHAT THEY MEAN IN BED. Then there are the rest of women. Here is just a sampling of reasons women don't say exactly what they mean in bed:
1. They are shy.
2. They feel awkward.
3. They don't want to hurt your feelings/have you lose your erection.
4. It kills the mood for them.
5. They don't like talking during sex in general.
6. They think you won't even know what they mean.
7. They think you will judge them.
8. They don't exactly know what they want, just that you're not doing it.
9. They aren't in the mood anyway and are skeptical that they could get into the mood even if you changed what you're doing.
10. They are trying to pretend they are in a specific '80s teen movie, and if anyone talks it ruins the internal fantasy.
Anyway, now that you understand why women may be less than forthcoming, here is a handy dictionary for you. The first line is what women say, and then there is the translation of what they may mean.
Translation: Two definitions: either "I'm never going to enjoy this so I want it done now" or "A lot harder and also act more passionate in general!"
2. "Don't worry about me."
Translation: "When you concentrate on giving me an orgasm it is so much pressure and completely unerotic. If you stop trying so hard I can relax more and get into it."
3. "I don't know."
Translation: "Try to convince me."
4. "No." (regarding specific sexual act)
Translation: "No, but maybe ask me about it another time."
5. "No." (second time)
Translation: "No, and stop asking me. If I want to do it you'll be the first to know."
6. "Did you shower?"
Translation: "Get up right now and shower."
7. "Like this."
Translation: "Pay extremely close attention to whatever I show you because this is a teachable moment."
8. "Don't stop."
Translation: "You have previously shown a tendency to stop at critical junctures. If you keep doing this I will leave you."
9. "What's wrong?"
Translation: "It's awkward for us to pretend you didn't just lose your erection. I am feeling insecure about my looks. Just tell me what's wrong. I would rather hear that you're stressed about work than us both act like there isn't a flaccid elephant in the room."
10. "Are you asleep?"
Translation: "I am open to you initiating sex."
11. "I love you."
Translation: "That was good."
12. "I love you too."
Translation: "That wasn't as good but there's always next time."
13. "It's okay."
Translation: "I need reassurance that you still find me attractive and I am not the reason you can't perform."
14. "I'm just tired."
Translation: "I need reassurance that you still enjoyed sex even though I didn't orgasm."
15. "Let's do whatever you want."
Translation: "I am bored and probably ovulating. Push the sexual envelope until you get any push back. I will likely be 50-100 percent more open minded than you imagine."
Reference point for males: buy this as a starting point: Fifty Shades of Grey (The Fifty Shades Trilogy). Many women in their 30s-50s love this thing.
16. "We always do the same thing."
Translation: "I am subconsciously trying to provoke you in order to elicit an exciting response. If you ignore me or become defensive you're passing up a sexual goldmine right here."
17. "Are you tired?"
Translation: "I want you to act more passionate, like you did when we were dating."
18. "My back hurts."
Translation: "I want a back massage and then we can have sex."
Translation: "Can't you think about the mortgage or something so you don't ejaculate as quickly?"
Translation: "Right there, do NOT change what you're doing at all."
21. "Did you read that funny Dr. Psych Mom article on things women say in bed?"
Translation: "Open this article on your phone right this second and ask me which ones of these apply to me."
If this article results in better sex, you're welcome. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Lives To Translate Women for Men. (Oh, and I can write a version of this for men if you'd like but as usual it's going to be shorter.)