'Will My Husband's Low Sex Drive Improve Over Time?'

I feel like my choices are slim: Accept this awful fate of a boring, sexless marriage or leave. The option of leaving seems so stupid over something so silly! Do men ever get a recharged sex drive as they get older?
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I can't sleep because my boyfriend is snoring
I can't sleep because my boyfriend is snoring

Reader Undersexed writes,

I read the article you shared about being turned down by your significant other for sex. I have always had a high sex drive. However, I was cautious with who I had sex with and masturbated a lot when in my teens through college.

When I met my husband in college we had a great sex life and that continued through our early and mid 20's. Then he started wanting it less and I still wanted it the same amount. I have tried many things to spice up our sex life. I know life is stressful and adding two young kids to the mix has made our sex life suffer even more.

He no longer even wants it weekly. When I talk about it, he has mixed reactions anywhere from understanding to defensiveness to blaming me or telling me I have a problem. He often makes different excuses as to why he does not. He refuses to get counseling and I am at a loss on how to fix this.

The last few years, while our sex was not as frequent as I would want it was always great! More recently, it feels vanilla and lazy. I try and tell him what I want or bring new exciting things into our bedroom and he rejects it. This leaving me totally unsatisfied. I day dream about sex a lot now and when I see an attractive guy I day dream about them too.

It sucks, and feel like my choices are slim: Accept this awful fate of a boring, sexless marriage or leave. The option of leaving seems so stupid over something so silly! Do men ever get a recharged sex drive as they get older? Do you have experience working with couples who find a happy medium in this? It is really humiliating and feels sad to me!

Dear U,

I get why you feel so frustrated and unhappy. Your sexuality is a major part of your identity, and something that makes you feel alive. Many men, and fewer, but still many, women, feel like you. You're in a pretty good situation compared to a lot of people though, because you did at one point have a good sex life with your husband. So you know it's a possibility. Other people don't even have this comfort.

My first recommendation is to have your husband's testosterone levels checked. Many men suffer from low T, and this leads to lower sex drive, as well as depression and weight gain. If his levels are fine, you need to consider how much stress he's under, from having two young kids, from work, and from knowing his wife is sexually unsatisfied, among other stressors.

I believe that you and your husband could benefit from open discussions about sex, where you tell him how much you used to love your sex life, specifically what you used to enjoy, and what you fantasize about doing now. You can tell him that you miss your sexual connection, and that you feel rejected and sad when he turns you down. Don't attack him, but focus on communicating openly and taking ownership for your feelings and any possible contribution you've made to this current dynamic. Like complaining about the sex you do have, or criticizing his "vanilla" tastes.

Another issue: does your husband masturbate? If so, you can suggest that he (and you too, if you two want) temporarily cease and desist, because then his libido will not be misdirected away from you. You can also ask him what he fantasizes about. (If he's shy when discussing this, ask him via email. I have a whole book coming out on how to recharge your marriage using email. Stay tuned.) And whatever his fantasy may be, try and make it happen, or at least act excited about it if you can. I have faith that this would be easy for you, given your super sex drive.

You asked if men's sex drives can recharge over time. Yes, both genders seem to experience a sexual renaissance when their kids are elementary school aged, and no longer wake at night or co-sleep (usually), and can be dropped off at a friend or family member's house on the weekends. Marital satisfaction usually has a nice rebirth between toddler and teen years. And then parenting teenagers sucks worse than parenting toddlers and people want to kill each other and instead settle for divorcing each other. But let's not focus on the negatives here.

To recap: get his hormones checked, try to ameliorate stressors (one idea: sell your kids! Or get a sitter or something), no fap, ask about his fantasies, fulfill them, and wait till your kids go to school. If that doesn't work, go to a couples counselor, because you're ripe for falling into an affair, whether emotional or physical. Good luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Toddlers Destroy Sex Lives.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.

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