A Lesson in French and Manners

I'm here on behalf of the brides. I attended five wonderful weddings this past summer--each elegant and eclectic in its own rite, and each complete with its own set of horror stories about people not R.S.V.Ping. At least three of my blushing bride friends had to resort to sending out a mass e-mail saying, "Seriously guys, I need a head count." And the others went so far as to call everyone they hadn't heard from.

For anyone who needs a refresher course: R.S.V.P. is an abbreviation for the French phrase, "Répondez, s'il vous plait," which translates simply into, "Please reply." I realize with the advent of electronic communication we've become careless with making plans in that we don't necessarily bother to make them anymore. What used to be, "I'll see you at 9:30 on Friday," is now, "I'll text you on Friday, and let you know where I am." (The underlined message being, "I don't want to commit because something better might come along). However, in my book a wedding is still an important enough event to get your scheduling act together, and it is a severe mark against both common courtesy and the couple themselves not to do so. I think it's especially impolite because other than, "The dog ate my envelope," there aren't many excuses. The R.S.V.P. card comes with a pre-addressed, pre-stamped envelope. All the recipient is required to do is check yes or no, and if they check yes then they have to make the life altering decision between salmon and beef tenderloins.

I'll lighten up a little and say that maybe we really have stepped so far away from social protocols that people just don't know anymore. One of the aforementioned brides had a friend (a good friend), who she had to prompt twice for an answer. That friend said, "Oh, I thought since you didn't get the R.S.V.P. you knew I wasn't coming." It hadn't occurred to her that sending the card back saying she wasn't coming was part of the deal. My quick tip for dealing with wedding invites--respond immediately. As soon as you receive it, walk over to your calendar see what you have going on then put the card in the mail. If you respond yes quickly then it sends the message that you're really excited to attend the nuptials, and it also keeps you from forgetting about responding. If you respond no quickly then it sends the message that you are truly sorry you can't make it. Worse case scenario: you respond yes and something important comes up in-between. You can call your friend and explain that.

I also make a motion, not that I'm qualified to do such a thing but I'm not exactly sure who is, that we do away with the "R.S.V.P. Regrets Only" option. I say this with the event planners in mind. I fear there are many people out there like my friend's friend who will glaze over the "regrets only" and think because they can't attend they're absolved from responding at all. If you go so far as to assume those who haven't gotten back to you will be at the event then you may end up with a lot of food and drink and not a lot of people.

Comments

[KuanShiYin]

Thanks for the reminder. Those headcounts are important for a reason! Too many empty tables looks as bad as not having enough chairs or (Heaven forbid!) running out of food.
[Love your work at gather.com, Ms. O'Shea!]

[LetterLover]

jukesgrrl, I had the same problem earlier this year. Although I've never thrown a dinner as lavish as those you describe, my sister and I planned a birthday party for my father back in June. Half of the people who R.S.V.Ped yes didn't show up. Only one of them called (in advance) and apologized that he wouldn't be able to make it after all, but he was the only one who thought to do such a thing. I've come to the conclusion that only people who've never hosted an event in their lives would be so careless about it.

[jukesgrrl]

I agree that weddings, due to their cost, most desperately require proper response. But people have become shockingly rude about most invitations.

I used to love giving dinner parties. I would invite a carefully chosen group I believed would enjoy each others' company and treat them to a soup-to-nuts evening. That kind of entertaining is quite costly, however no more so than when guests accept the invitation and then fail to show. And it's happened so often, I seldom entertain that way any more.

Many of the very people who were simply too tired or forgetful to appear for an accepted evening have said to me, "You used to give such lovely dinner parties, don't you do it any more?" And when I explain why I've cut back on entertaining they seem surprised that their behavior led to their no longer being invited.

It's bad enough when manners are lax but it's worse when people don't even comprehend the concept of cause and effect.

[LetterLover]

Newfycrat, I'm with you! That makes my skin crawl that a couple wouldn't send a thank you note. I realize thank you notes in general are going the way of the dinosaur, but with regards to weddings they are still a must. People put their lives on hold to attend weddings, and they also spend a great deal of money on gifts. That needs to be acknowledged and appreciated. I am pleased to say out of all five weddings I received four prompt thank you notes. The fifth one will surely come when I finally send the gift. Hey, you have a year! Thanks everyone for your comments, Samara

[Kathryneo]

Hi Samara,

I agree with you, absolutely. People not responding back is a pervasive practice; it even goes so far as to include not responding to birthday party invitations sent to or hand delivered to the invitee.

I would call each person who had not sent me an RSVP to the many birthday parties we held for years - and they all said:

"Of course, I am coming! That is why I didn't reply."

I responded: "The RSVP was for both confirmation and regrets."

The invitees then looked at the invitation and responded with: "Oh, I feel so silly. You are right."

Weddings are serious business. In their own right.

[DavidHealy]

I remember when there were no A and B lists and family and friends fit into the parish hall regardless of the number, even if they spilled out onto the lawn.

[cindess11]

Samara-
you are absolutely right!

[Newfycrat]

Although not having to pay for food for those who do not show is one reason for wanting a RSVP another situation is waiting for space. If your wedding reception has limited space (ie 100-150 people) there is a very good chance that the bride and groom cannot invite all the people they want to. You have the A group - have to invite family and close friends and the B group - people you want to invite but cannot. As soon as an A group declines, a B invitation goes out. If you only have room for 100 at your reception, and each person brings someone, the bride and groom can each only invite 25 people. Since I have helped plan weddings both working for a hotel and as a friend, I've seen this issue quite a bit. There is nothing that makes a bride more relieved then getting that RSVP.
On the other side of it, the last *four* weddings I attended the bride never bothered with thank-you notes for wedding presents. I was drilled to get these out within two weeks if possible, and people thanked me for the quick notes. When opening gifts one person should be there who writes down what you got and who gave it to you. When you do not get a note, you do not know if the bride got your present (what it delivered? Did the card fall off?). I never asked the bride, but always wondered. When someone spends that amount of time picking out a wedding gift, it is simply rude not to send a note.

[marvc]

I hate to admit that I am one of the curmudgeons who failed to respond when my nephew recently got married. He and his bride-to-be had to call me to find out if I was going to attend the wedding, which was out of state and on a weekday. I had never intended to attend because I was unable to get off to go that far away. However, the real reason I didn't respond right away was because the return envelope arrived with no stamp on it. If it had, I would probably have put it right in the mail, but since I first needed to go to the post office to buy a stamp (who actually uses stamps that much these days?), I kept putting it off and finally the invite got buried under other papers and I forgot.
No excuse, but no stamp is not a big help either.