10/02/2013 07:15 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Miss America and the Short, Dark Man

I've been discriminated against all my life, but I never thought much of it until Nina Davuluri became Miss America. Those awful tweets, calling her al Qaeda, poor thing, all because she's brown! If they'd called her LTTE I would totally get it. Guys, do your terror groups homework, OK? Al Qaeda is tall, fair men with beards. Dark is me and my friend Dennis Rodman, but even he's got it better than me.

Not only does he have friends in high places in North Korea, he's also tall.

If you're going to cry about being a dark woman, you got nothing on me. I'm not Miss America AND I'm short AND dark AND a man. I suppose it could be worse. I could be a short, dark Jewish man, or Woody Allen with a tan.

When you're a short man, life is sad. The days stretch endlessly towards a great void. We wonder whence we came, and where we are headed. In other words, with no sex to distract us from more meaningful pursuits, we become philosophers. Some of us also become emperors like my previous incarnation, Napoleon, or actors, like Aamir Khan in Bollywood or Robert Downey Jr in Hollywood, or sports superstars like Lionel Messi for soccer and Sachin Tendulkar for cricket.

Those guys are the outliers. Life is, as I was saying, sad for the rest of us. We don't get dates. The girls all want tall guys. There's an evolutionary biology explanation for this that, being an amateur scientist, and because we all have freedom of speech to talk nonsense, I just thought up. The girls want tall guys because they want to wear high heels and go to parties! Eureka!

There's no other purpose that tall guys serve that shorter guys don't. I'm not a woman, as you may have gathered, and I am not gay, so I don't know if tall guys are objectively better in bed than shorter ones. Perhaps even midget women want to get it on with the great Khali.

Tall people are also not better at acting, science, business, art, sports, and becoming emperors. They may however have the upper hand at pulling things off the top shelf in a house with badly designed furniture, in the absence of a stool. This alone makes them worth marrying, I'm sure.

The pain of being short might be bearable, but to be short and dark is just too terrible. My whole country, India, has about a billion dark people, most of whom are also short, and we all treat each other very shabbily indeed. Usually, we kill each other over things like religion, caste and language. Sometimes, when there's still free time left over and nothing to do, we also kill each other over finer shades of differences, such as sect or regional identity. Of course we also have the largest number of poor people of any country on earth, so a lot of people just die without any need of active killing, which is highly convenient.

Those of us who are left alive, in good health, with education and jobs and money to spare, ponder over the meaninglessness of life. This is especially acute for dark, short individuals. We wonder whether it might not have been better to be born poor and died of malnutrition before reaching the age of five.

Finally, summoning up the courage to live, we apply a dab of Fair & Handsome fairness cream for men, and set forth to overcome discrimination against us short, dark men. There are tall, fair, slim, convent-educated, from good families, astrologically compatible girls to be found. There are pictures to take together, and flat-screen televisions to buy. After all, what is life, but the pursuit of happiness, and what is happiness, but the possession of a life as seen in advertisements?

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