We are in the midst of an epidemic. One in 7 kids suffer from it. It destroys lives and can have fatal consequences. It's bullying. As a teen therapist in Los Angeles, I work with a diverse, multi-cultural population of clientele. The number of families I work with expressing concern that their children are being bullied is on the rise. As a community, there are things we can all do to decrease the likelihood that children will become bullies.
Bullying is any act that includes ridiculing, taunting, excluding or shaming another person. This can be done directly, as in public humiliation, or indirectly, as in spreading rumors. If you have ever experienced intimidation by a parent, teacher, neighbor, employer or spouse, the feelings evoked were probably ones of helplessness and despair, and/or perhaps anger mixed with a desire for revenge. Bullying victims are often susceptible to feelings of self-hatred and self-destructive behavior. Adolescents are particularly vulnerable to bullying attacks, leading them to question the honesty and safety of future relationships.
We are living in a time during which differing points of view are commonly labeled as right or wrong, good or bad. Perhaps bullying could be understood at as a side effect of seeing countries go to war over religion, or people being judged based on the color of their skin or sexual orientation. When children hear adults talk down to and about others or use intimidation to get others to do what they want, we may be teaching our children to become victims -- or bullies.
Teens, although highly vulnerable to slights, are quick to dish them out. Testing each other and the world, their expressions are often uncensored. When teens witness others responding hostilely toward each other on television or in real life, they are influenced to believe this is appropriate behavior; however, imitating these behaviors disrupts a teen's ability to form close and lasting emotional bonds with others.
At times, teachers, parents, classmates and siblings can all say hurtful things to children. Even families who generally get along well have occasional disagreements. In your relationship with your teenager, it is important to model healthy conflict resolution skills and argue respectfully. The foundation of any respectful argument involves avoiding raising your voice, swearing, and name-calling or pointing your finger in the other person's face. Threats or taunts only escalate tension.
A large part of my work with parents of teenagers involves teaching them to lead by example. I encourage parents to model respect of self and others through appropriately expressing their negative emotions. It is essential for parents to create a safe space for their child to come to them with their problems. To do this, parents need to listen to their children without over-reacting, and then help them learn from their mistakes. During your interactions with your teenager, do you teach respect, compassion and acceptance?
Bullying is a learned behavior. Some people bully in an attempt to feel more powerful. Conversely, people with healthy self-esteem seldom consciously choose to hurt others. If a child is behaving aggressively toward other kids, it is important to try to understand the underlying feelings driving the behavior. How can you as a parent help your child feel better about him/herself such that they don't feel the need to attempt to boost their confidence at someone else's expense? Teaching teens how to slow down and tolerate their negative feelings creates space for them to consider how to respond appropriately. If we can address the underlying pain that causes bullies to lash out, we can ultimately diminish the number of bullies and bullying victims.
Another key to solving the bullying epidemic is for parents to actively teach tolerance of differences. When little Johnnie hits a friend for taking his toy, there is an opportunity to teach about sharing. When bigger Johnnie mocks his classmate's sexual orientation, there is an opportunity to teach about diversity. Everyone is born with different attributes and access to opportunities. Mary may wear glasses. Sam may walk with a limp. Judy may wear second-hand clothes because her single parent struggles to put food on their table. Miguel may talk with an accent.
For parents of bullying victims, know that there will always be people who don't treat your child the way you would like. We live in a world where differences in preference and opinion abound. Teaching your teen self-acceptance and helping them to be comfortable in their own skin is invaluable. Encouraging children to develop a strong sense of self-love enables them to respond in ways that prevent giving bullies satisfaction.
There are also ways to handle insults that can remove their sting. For example, if someone makes a mocking comment about one's clothes, hair, accent or physical features, a viable response could be to simply say: "Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Thank you for sharing yours." The bully is seeking a particular response from their victim, and when they fail to get that response, bullying stops being fun. Unless the bully is pathologically disturbed, simple techniques like using humor or walking away can resolve the situation. Of course, physical violence must be dealt with through adult intervention with the intention of creating a corrective experience (i.e., anger management classes for the bully and emotional support for the victim).
We all need to take a stand to protect the emotional lives of our children; however, use caution against getting caught up in rejecting attitudes toward bullies because this creates more humiliation and shame, a contributing factor behind their pain. Working together, we can find a way for victims and bullies alike to safely get assistance.
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"Many times a bully is seeking power. Everyone, including kids, need to feel as though they have some personal power.
If they don't receive a sense of having some legitimate power at home - because they are in an environment where they are constantly being controlled, told what to do, as well as how and when to do it - they will seek power outside the home which can present in the form of bullying."
As parents, you want to empower your kids, rather than over-power them. In this way you model positive behavior that they can take into the world.
(Acknowledging Parenting Quests)
Keep up the good work!
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Again, this is an important topic, thanks for writing it so beautifully...!
Ken Wilber and Steven Covey Jr. (and Sally McGhee, and Plotinus, and essentially every other philosopher of import) speak of consciousness as something that is in a continually evolving process, to paraphrase and simplify: From Archaic, to individual, to "team"/"clique"/Family, to Organization/School/City-Country to World (and then perhaps on to Cosmic awareness and such).
It is clear that Bullying demonstrates a lack of compassion, which by definition means: "ability to feel another´s pain" (or more technically correct: "Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it").
Then it follows that a bully is unable to be (deeply) aware of the suffering of another, much less wishing to alleviate it.
In short, they´re stuck at the level of "individual".
A solution to bullying them seems to be having a cohesive strategy to support the person´s consciousness to evolve to greater levels of awareness and empathy.
An interesting task, given the diversity of beliefs, education, socio-economic back-grounds, values and traditions. I find myself challenged daily to find ways to teach social and emotional intelligence in a language that each person in front of me can relate to. I would love to hear your thoughts on how we might accomplish what you are proposing.
I think it is important for us to understand that kids who are bullied seem to attract the attention of other kids in ways that make them uncomfortable. Perhaps they are smaller, act in odd ways, suffer from mental or emotional challenges, or lack social skills.
The bully is able to exploit the other kid's discomfort, leading them to pick on the victim - or simply reacts out of his own discomfort.
He states that: "Bullying cannot be reduced by treating it like a crime. The behaviors that are being called bullying today are more appropriately called aggression or dominance behavior, and are part of the fabric of life. The attempt to outlaw human nature is bound to create more harm than good. If laws could make social and interpersonal problems disappear, all we would need to do is pass enough laws and we would have Utopia. The true solution is good psychology, teaching people to use their brains to understand and solve their problems."
Here is his free manual on how to stop being teased without really trying: https://bullies2buddies.com/Student-s-Manual/how-to-stop-being-teased-and-bullied-without-really-trying-intro.html
What do think about a series of public service announcements, in the form of an ad campaign that illustrates what bullying looks like in it's many forms, and also demonstrating helpful and effective responses by the bystanders and/or the victims?
In this manner, we are inviting everyone who witnesses it to help solve the problem of bullying.