THE BLOG
02/26/2013 03:24 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

'Don't Turn My Wedding Into Your Orgy!'

I can't decide if I'm entertained or appalled. I write a column for a gay wedding website, and I posted to my friends on Facebook asking for topic ideas, because I was drawing a blank and was behind deadline. The kinds of suggestions I expected were the ones I got at first: what to do when family members who are attending the wedding don't support the union, for example. But then several of my former clients started contributing to the suggestion pot, and things got very interesting and very racy, very fast. Apparently, I've been missing out by skipping the after-hours parties at my gay weddings. Dang.

It seems that my grooms are a little peeved by their BFFs' behavior at their weddings and late-night events. I believe the phrase "don't treat my wedding like a gay Atlantis cruise to the Caribbean" was used. I don't even know what exactly that means, but I'm pretty sure it means "don't act like a big-ass whore at my Caribbean destination wedding."

Gay or straight, weddings are big hookup fests. Many a relationship started at somebody else's wedding. I had a bridesmaid doing the Caribbean "Walk of Shame" through the lobby at Hacienda Tamarindo during my wedding festivities, but there weren't any orgies that I'm aware of. After I became a planner, the owner of that same hotel sent me an email very early one morning informing me that a "Roman orgy" had apparently taken place the prior evening and that 12 bikini tops found around the premises could be claimed in the lobby. FYI, the "Roman orgy" was a straight couple's wedding group.

I remember a straight military wedding a few years ago where most of the female military guests jumped into the pool and started hooking up with each other, semi-clothed, at the welcome party. One guest was a high-ranking JAG officer and simply left rather than having to bust everybody. I recall being impressed that it all went down at the first event of the weekend, and being terrified of what was yet to come. It wasn't pretty (neither were they), and it wasn't fun to watch.

To quote a former client whom I adore, "It's my wedding, not a circuit party in NYC. Show some respect, gay guests!" I think that's the funniest part. Apparently it's the gay guests misbehaving at gay weddings that has my gay grooms all upset. Another one of the boys explained a tradition that I wasn't familiar with until now, called "giving away the bride," which has nothing to do with an actual bride, at least not by any traditional definition, and not in any manner I can publicly blog about. Really? Really?!

One of my grooms has been teasing me for years about how many supposedly straight guys on his guest list he had bedded at some point. And apparently he had a last hurrah with about half of them on his wedding weekend. I'm not sure where the wives were when that went down, but I met them all at the wedding. Talk about having trouble keeping a straight face and looking anybody in the eye. C'mon people, I'm only human. Tell me about this stuff after I have to spend the weekend with these people. At least wait till they leave the island.

According to my clients (various ones, not just one couple), I had no idea of the shenanigans that were going on behind the scenes (and apparently under the sheets) during their wedding weekends. They loved their weddings. The events were a blast and not the problem. They were the highlight. But these men are unanimous in their opinion that too many of their friends -- their gay friends -- did not behave in a respectful manner befitting the importance of the overall weekend. In other words, this is a real wedding to them, and they're finally getting married, and they're a little pissed off that their friends behaved like slutty little ho-hos on their Caribbean destination wedding weekend instead of taking the entire occasion seriously. I can totally see their point.

But I have no idea what to tell them or, more importantly, other future gay clients who might feel the same way. I don't know how to guide them on what to do about it or how to avoid that situation. I suppose we could add a paragraph to the welcome letter that asks them to remember that it's a solemn occasion and that roving naked around the property is frowned upon. Or we could initiate a policy that our brides are not to be "given away" without consent of the other groom. Heck, we could add that to the same paragraph that explains that drugs are illegal and that we'd appreciate it if they would refrain from using them at the wedding reception. Just like that zero-tolerance policy, the "no orgies" rule wouldn't be in the materials if it hadn't happened, right? Just sayin'.

So my research has brought me to the conclusion that, according to my gay clients, guests at gay weddings tend to party pretty hard and get pretty naughty when they travel for a destination wedding (perhaps it's the proximity of bedrooms and the anonymity of the destination). I've also learned that the grooms affected don't really appreciate that behavior. Sure, it makes for some good stories, but it makes some memories -- lifelong wedding memories for the grooms -- that really don't belong in the scrapbook.

How do you tell your guests that you'd prefer that they not turn your wedding after-hours into a club night? I think you just have to tell them outright. You need to spread the message through your group of friends that you don't really want them to be having big-ass orgies pre- and post-ceremony. There can be drama associated with that sort of behavior that you don't want at your wedding, and by letting your friends know that you've actually thought about it in advance and discussed it with your fiancé, you're sending a very specific message. It won't stop them completely, but it will make people be more discreet. Gay and straight. It definitely decreases the odds that several of them will get naked and have sex together in the Jacuzzi on the pool deck. And if they do, maybe they'll at least remember to take their bathing suits back to their rooms with them. Let's face it, peeps: This isn't the hedonism resort. It's your friend's wedding weekend, and they thought enough of you to put you on their very selective and intimate guest list. Show the invitation the respect that it deserves.

Until next time, happy wedding planning from Weddings in Vieques and Weddings in Culebra!

Sandy

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