I still have a lot to learn about being part of reality television. You see, after living through like 60 days of filming with 495 Productions for TLC's new show "Wedding Island," I know what happened. And I expect to see it and relive it -- all of it -- every week. Unfortunately, the show is actually only 40-some minutes with commercials so there's no way to actually show you ALL the total insanity that went down during two weddings if they want you to completely understand anything. So you miss some of the really good stuff.
Last night, I got a LOT of questions via FB and Twitter @WeddingsinVQS from people who wanted to know more -- and some of them were questions I was asking too even though I know the answers. So I'm giving you the Top Five Things I WISH last night's episode of "Wedding Island" on TLC had shown (with apologies to the amazing editing crew who were forced to listen to my voice for hours on end to create what was, imho, an absolutely hilarious show).
STOP: You don't have to have seen the show to learn some very important wedding lessons in the next five paragraphs. So don't quit on me now. Keep reading!
1) More than 100 viewers wanted to know if Suzy was wearing a wig. OMG. So NOT! Suzy's hair is gorgeous and thick and totally real, and it took hours to dry and curl -- I was incredibly jealous! They didn't show that she actually had her hair done twice -- she had a practice session with my fabulous stylist Yaya who was featured in a previous episode, and then Yaya returned on her wedding day to do Suzy's hair and her makeup. Yes, we do have professional stylists on the island and they are very talented, but you don't always see them doing their jobs because that stuff is behind the scenes, literally. I don't stand there with the bride and her girls all day while they primp -- I'm out yelling at the boys to put the tent up straight. I'm clearly not a beautician.
2) Paula and Buddy's group arrived in shifts -- the family all arrived together like you saw, but their friends and family had already descended on the island and in the chaos, luggage was lost. And once again, nobody realized it was missing when they actually lost it (how does that keep happening to MY clients? Wake up people!). I know, big shocker. It was, as usual, a nondescript black rolling suitcase. And I learned about its disappearance wayyy too early in the freakin morning when Paula called on the verge of hysterical to tell me she didn't have the suitcase with all of the boys' wedding clothing and the sand blending kit the morning after I did their late night emergency grocery run. THANK GOD nobody in that group was foolish enough to pack jewelry (check this out!), but all the same, the contents were super important. Fortunately, the airline had things sorted out about the time I got to the airport (straight out of bed, no makeup, throw on clothes and camera crew waiting on front porch by the time I got out there) and I went straight to their villa from there to deliver it and make handprints. For all of us at Weddings in Vieques, there was about a 30-minute "OMG not again" going on while I looked around for other cameras to see if I was being punked. But I wasn't. Two sets of lost luggage too close together. Hold on to your wedding luggage brides and grooms! And put some labels and colors on your suitcases too, if you ever want to see your belongings again. Jeez! I just felt the need to explain why I looked worse than usual when I arrived up at Paula and Buddy's villa to meet with the kids. It had been a very bad morning and it was only 10 a.m.
3) Suzy's sisters looked like the Kardashians. I think you might have heard me make that snark at some point during the show, but I'm not sure you got a good enough look at them in context. I'm serious -- one of the sisters could be Kim's pre-baby body double (with a little ass padding). They were all absolutely gorgeous women, but they also kinda acted like Kardashians... as in it seemed like they expected to be waited on... and it was totally okay with them if it was the bride, their older sister Suzy, who was their handmaiden. I spent quite a bit of time making sure that Suzy had some alone time and that nobody infringed on the basic rights of the "woman of the hour." But in order to do that, I had to jump in and take control of several more things that weren't supposed to be my problem.
4) We seriously screwed ourselves on the ceremony setup on the beach at Media Luna for Paula and Buddy's wedding. Despite checking and rechecking the lists, we ended up all the way out at a remote beach with everything EXCEPT the hardware to set up the freakin arch that was the basis for the whole décor. And we'd checked it off the list very diligently as a group so it was a collective error. We mess up together a lot. It's cuz the Weddings in Vieques team is so tight (just keep telling myself it's not because we're sleep deprived and half-awake when loading at push out for events). Yes, my intern Brittany struggled with that handprint project in the wind, but she did it in half the time we had actually allotted to do it. Because she got her start an hour and a half late when the boys finally returned with the hardware, looking contrite. "Casa pasa" is a popular phase around the office. But it's only okay if the caca pasó without the clients ever knowing about it... which in this case, they didn't because of the next thing I'm going to tell you about.
5) Paula ran later for her beach wedding to Buddy than Jessica did to her sunset wedding to Nelson (that actually ended in the dark) on episode two (Last Luckiest Day of the Century) of "Wedding Island." But because she was getting married at noon, it didn't matter. I mean, it mattered to us... we were all sitting around for over an hour sweating our butts off in the mid-day sun. But she was in no danger of losing the light for pictures like Jessica was. By the time the Paula-the-bride finally did arrive, we (me, my husband, Brittany, the setup/teardown crew guys, the photographer, the minister, and the entire gentlemen's side of the wedding - the boys were on time - plus their guests) were all beyond sweaty and disgusting. I didn't even want Paula to touch me before she went down the aisle because I felt too gross and was afraid it would rub off on her. Not to mention the poor clothing selection I'd made (Dark clothing at noon? What was I thinking? Damn sleep deprivation again.). The hardest thing was keeping three very rambunctious and excited young men out of trouble and CLEAN ON A BEACH for an hour while they waited for the ladies to arrive. Looking back, it was hilarious. But I swear to God, if I hadn't been wearing thousands of dollars in electronics all over me, I'd have run right into the water with them to help trash that dress after the ceremony!
As promised, you didn't have to watch "Wedding Island" to learn something in today's blog. I mean, I hope you found this blog intriguing enough to go to TLC.com and watch the episodes you missed - or find us ON Demand! But if you refuse to watch, I want make sure everyone is clear on today's takeaway:
1- Not all pretty hair is fake. Don't hate.
2- Pay attention to your wedding luggage cuz I'm sick of hunting it down. One day I might not find it.
3- Treat the bride like the "guest of honor" and not your hostess.
4- Sometimes it's not a bad thing for us when the bride runs late... just not that late.
5- Wear light-colored clothing to outdoor daytime wedding events.
Until next time, happy wedding planning from Weddings in Vieques and Weddings in Culebra! Don't miss the Mardi Gras wedding next week on TLC's "Wedding Island." You are sooo gonna judge me for that one.
Follow Sandy Malone on Twitter: www.twitter.com/SandyMalone_