What "Obligations" Do Brides and Grooms Have to Their Wedding Guests?

The bride and groom want to depart for their honeymoon the morning after their wedding, and this MoG was hoping I'd tell her she's totally right and that the bride and groom are being tacky "abandoning" their guests. But she's wrong. Totally WRONG.
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Mothers of brides and grooms can get really ridiculous sometimes when they're trying to get their own way - but it gives me GREAT blog material! I recently received an "Ask Sandy" request from a Mother of the Groom who wanted me to explain to her son and soon-to-be daughter-in-law that they "have an obligation" to their wedding guests to stay at the destination for a few days after the wedding to entertain those who have travelled a great distance to celebrate with them.

The bride and groom want to depart for their honeymoon the morning after their wedding, and this MoG was hoping I'd tell her she's totally right and that the bride and groom are being tacky "abandoning" their guests. But she's wrong. Totally WRONG.

Brides and grooms at destination weddings (or anywhere else they choose to get married) have zero obligation to their wedding guests after the wedding reception is over. Sure, some may choose to have farewell brunches or other day-after events, but that's totally their prerogative. If they just want to escape alone the next day, that's perfectly acceptable too.

The Exception to the Rule: The only time a bride and groom can't run away right after the wedding is if they're DIYing the wedding and they are responsible for making sure cleanup and teardown happens after the wedding. It's really one of the biggest things I did wrong in my own destination wedding planning. By departing the next day early, I stuck my mom with having to ship back all the leftover mess of my big day. She spent the couple of days of vacation she'd planned for herself dealing with the cleanup and teardown. So if you're planning your own wedding, you have to stay long enough to clean up the mess you made, or you have to ask somebody, IN ADVANCE, to be responsible for all of that.

Let's assume the bride and groom don't have any DIY-type jobs to do after the wedding. In this case, traditionally they should wing away somewhere else, away from the guests, to spend their first week of married life together alone, enjoying only each other. Not all brides and grooms choose to honeymoon immediately following their destination wedding - in fact, it's more and more common to delay it. But not because you feel like you have to stick around to play host and hostess to your out-of-town guests.

Brides and grooms do have some responsibilities regarding entertaining their guests. Most of it is just good manners, but let's discuss five specific "obligations" you really do have:1. Provide good information and directions to all of your wedding events. If transportation is provided, tell them when and where to be. Maps can be very helpful if you have a lot of out-of-town guests. If you're getting married someplace most people have never been, additional information about the location, shopping and activities in the welcome packet is appreciated. Make sure the info on your wedding website actually matches the schedule of events you've presented your guests so you don't confuse people and have guests miss the actual ceremony.

2. Show up on time to each and every wedding event you host. Most of your guests will be on time and it's rude to make them stand around waiting for you, even with a cocktail in hand. For welcome parties this is especially important if you have some guests who don't know any of the other guests. It's your job to introduce your guests to one another and greet all of them.

3. Talk to every one of your guests at every event. Even if you're not excited about some of your parents' friends who are there, they are attending in your honor and you are obligated to show enthusiasm and chat with them an appropriate amount. They are still YOUR GUESTS, regardless of whomever put them on the invitation list.

4. Plan something special with your out-of-town guests if you're getting married at home so that you get to spend some real time with them. Many traditional at-home weddings only include a rehearsal dinner in addition to the wedding day festivities. If you have extended family you never see coming to town, a family get-together with your fiancé's family might be something to consider adding. If your sorority sisters are together for the first time in 15 years, a lunch might be fun. Make an effort to plan something that allows you more time than the quick hug and 20 seconds of chat time you'll realistically have at the actual wedding reception.

5. Thank and say goodbye to each and every guest at your wedding reception. It's easy to get bogged down in a group of your closest besties, but it's important to remember that everyone at your wedding deserves acknowledgment and thanks when the main event is finished. Don't disappear quickly after the last dance to change dresses for your after-party - you have to say goodbye to all of the older guests who might not be planning to head out to the bar with you til the wee hours. Only after you have said goodbye to each guest can you make your escape.

At that point, you can go out and party with your friends, or leave on a honeymoon, or do anything else you like. You have no more "obligations" to your guests. If you've planned a day-after event, you have to drag your butt out of bed and look presentable and attend because IT'S A PARTY FOR YOU. But you helped plan it and you know it's happening so a hangover is no excuse. The guests of honor must be there, even if it's only to get a mimosa as quickly as possible.

If you do not want to have a day-after event, make that clear to both sets of your parents at the outset so that they don't plan something you don't want to attend. That doesn't mean that your mom might not still host her besties for a breakfast, but it won't be something they're expecting the bride and groom to attend so there's no letdown factor when you don't show.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the responsibility you have after the wedding to write thank you notes in a timely manner. Some people say it's alright to wait six months but I disagree. Most people will have given you an envelope or sent the gift via online registry, and until they receive an acknowledgment of the gift, they worry you didn't receive it. This is especially important for monetary gifts given during the wedding festivities, but really, everyone wants to know you got their wedding present. Make the time to write the notes as fast as you can after you get back to real life. And if you can't get them all written well and quickly, pop off a few emails to let folks know you did receive their gift and will be sending a note but you didn't want them to worry about whether it had arrived. And then write the note anyway, even if they tell you it's unnecessary. It's totally necessary.

I love it when the questions people send me inspire fun blogs like this one. It was a good question - I just doubt the Mother of the Groom was pleased with my answer.

Until next time, happy wedding planning from Weddings in Vieques and Sandy Malone Weddings & Events!

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