Sex, Love, And Enlightenment

Part 1: How to Make a Woman Fall
This is a serial, a true story about love and awakening.

Many have had a Billy in their life -- a relationship that's thrilling and excruciating, that takes you to bliss and dumps you into hell and thereby hooks you. No matter how wise and experienced you may be, you ignore your inner voice, ignore the red light screaming, "Stop!" and the sage advice of everyone you know. When it ends badly, as you knew it would, the pain can be so engulfing that you wish for oblivion. I ended up literally on my knees at a meeting of SLAA, saying, "I'm a sex and love addict, and I am not in control."

For Sheryl Crow, it was Lance Armstrong, whom she called "My Favorite Mistake." For me it was the man I named Billy the Bad, and I resolved that he would be my last mistake. Because Billy did not do me in; I did that myself.

I've lost money, had professional flops and humiliating reviews and I get over them quickly and move on. But loss of love cuts deeper and causes more anguish than anything I've known. As Tolstoy wrote, "Man survives earthquakes, epidemics, the horrors of disease and all the agonies of the soul, but his most tormenting tragedy has been...the tragedy of the bedroom."

I've been a seeker for decades, and know it's an illusion to expect that a relationship -- no matter how wonderful -- can fill the emptiness inside. And yet I can't stop the yearning. In telling the story of Billy, I want to unravel the whole ball of yarn -- to take a clear-eyed look at love and the way it lives in the body and the heart and, with your participation, come up with insight and guidance so I can get off the bloody wheel. If not now, when? I invite you to join me...

I agreed to meet Billy at the Grizzly Rose, a famous country dance hall midway between Lone Tree, CO, where he lives, and Boulder, where I do. He'd sent me an email via match.com, but I'd been on the site long enough to conclude that most people on it have some dysfunction with relationships (myself included). So I was skeptical and did not take the bait. But he was persistent. We finally spoke on the phone, I found him boring and said I didn't think we had much in common. He said he was certain we did and would I at least meet him? I agreed, probably because he wouldn't take no, which is seductive.

I had trouble finding the Grizzly Rose and when I did, there was no place to park. Kenny Chesney was performing and crowds were storming the doors. I stopped my car near the entrance and called Billy on his cell phone. He came out of the Rose, got in the driver's seat and said he'd find a place for my car. He was wearing a large black cowboy hat and I couldn't see his face well in the dark. Driving up and down the rows, we found the lot totally full, but there was one space where an old couch had been dumped. I considered asking him to move it, but thought, I can't ask that. What if he has a bad back?

He hit the brake and said, "I'm going to move that couch." He walked over, raised it vertically and held it balanced on its side for a moment. He was long and lean, silhouetted against the sky. He looked around, then pushed the couch into a muddy ditch behind the cars. And as the couch fell, dear reader, so did I.

We walked back to the Rose and he led me through the crowd and into the hall, having tipped the guard. We made our way onto the floor, but it was too crowded to dance. As I stood in front of him, facing the stage, he pulled me back against him and we began moving to the music. A jolt of energy went through me, so intense I could hardly stand. What's going on, I thought? I had written off this guy. I'd checked his profile on match.com, where he said he had run a cattle ranch and founded a fence construction company, then sold it, retired and was writing a play. "I have a tux and a tractor. I can work with my head or my hands. I can write a poem or a contract." Then came the red light. "I have not succeeded at everything, however. I have failed to be truly loved by a woman, and this is what I desire most." That stopped me. He was 58, had been married twice, dated untold numbers of women and never felt loved?

But as I drove home to Boulder, I was ready to run right through the red light. Billy called twice from his cell phone and when I curled up in bed, I was so electrified I couldn't sleep. He's sexy, funny, smart, solvent... I thought, This could be something.

To Be Continued...

Please leave a Comment. How would you see his statement that he'd never been truly loved? To Automatically Receive Future Installments, Click here. This blog is based on a true story, but names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. In some cases, time has been compressed or elements changed to serve the narrative.

Comments

[Sarah bw]

The energy, chemistry, electricity and passion are out of this world amazing. I can't stop! Both our judgment and common sense have been incredibly impaired. We FEEL so much when we are together. In as little as a simple hug, the chemistry shoots through our veins like a good drug. That's how it started was with an innocent hug. I want to hear more Sara. We need to know what this is or how to get it under control. We know all about the red flags. We know what we are doing is wrong! But, we want each other uncontrollably, irresistibly bad.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

You hit it on the head, Sarah. It is like a drug, and our responses are like that of an addict. But there's more to it, I think. There's a yearning for wholeness, light, release, peace, that is entwined with any addiction. That's why I'm writing this story, to take a deep, compassionate look at this and see what we learn. Stay tuned! (You can automatically get future installments by clicking on the link at the bottom of the post above)

[GnosisMan]

In Dr.. Patrick Love's book "the truth about love" she refers to being in love as an "altered state of consciousness" and from my own experience, I could not agree more. You never see the loved one as he or she really is. Unknowingly, we, as humans, remain unaware of the degree in which we create illusions of our loved one and drives our desires in so many unhealthy ways. We ascribe attributes and virtues to our loved one that they don't actually have. To the degree in which we fall in love is the degree in which we lose touch with reality. While the idealization of another may feel euphoric, we unknowingly dehumanize them in the process since we are unable to see our loved one as he/she really is. Fallling in love tells us more about ourselves and our deeply entrenched misconception of amorous love that is spoon fed into us by the romantic novels and movie industry. Unfortunately, many men and women are still under the spell of romantic love and it's rare to find anyone who has broken it. As for myself, it took me at least 10 years to realize I was living a lie. When you love someone too much, it's always at your emotional expense.

[mredder4]

"How would you see his statement that he'd never been truly loved?"

I would say that it's very possibly truthful. I've had girlfriends and never felt loved. My last girlfriend dumped me 3 days after my birthday, after she went back to college. Admittedly, my own feelings for her clouded my perspective and made me unable to see that her bavhoir towards me was anything but love, but I wanted to love her. It just didn't work out the way I wanted.

I believe that it's entirely possible for someone to live a life in which they don't feel strong romantic love from their partner ever. Why? Because it's happened (and is happening) to me.

[Pema]

this doesnt sound like love it is some sort of dysfunctional crush.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Yep, it ain't love, but what is it where there's such powerful chemistry, such energy shooting between two people? What is that, and what does it mean, if anything? That's what I'd like to explore.

[xs10shl1]

electrified, indeed!
Wow!

[frustratedinohio]

I think you need to keep your wits about you. He never felt loved? I don't believe that. He's a good talker. I sense danger. Maybe you should have him investigated to see what else he's lying about.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

I saw the red light and ignored it. Why do judgment and common sense often fly out the window when hormones kick in? Maybe because it doesn't happen that often, and when it does, it grabs our attention. Stay tuned - we'll get into this more deeply and come through, I hope, wiser.

[cblcar]

Well, I read part II before part I and already commented, but I have this to say about hormones. They are your heart on crack. I spent most of my youth with a series of "Billy the Bads." Rock musicians, actors, the 23 year old son of a friend -- oh, yeah, I did. Pain and angst was my middle name. When I think of all I could have accomplished during those hours of complete dementia! And I couldn't help myself either. I saw the warnings, heard the bells, red lights were everywhere. The less they wanted me the more seductive I found them and the greater our fantasy relationships became. This went on till my early 40's. Then a wonderful thing happened. Early menopause hit and it was instant. Presto! No more hormones. Suddenly, I came into my own as a woman and a person. Success came, confidence came. I was completely cured and I was happy. The way I figure it, I had become a train wreck even God could no longer watch and so he intervened. I'm now 60 and you and I are probably about the same age, so if you're taking hormones, flush those puppies. Yes, your sex drive goes away, but for those of us to whom it brought nothing but trouble and heartache, the feelings of relief and freedom more than make up for it.

[Sinick]

I can't wait--and I'm a male!