Sexual Chemistry -- Is it a Trap?

Part 4 of a serial, "Sex Love Enlightenment." Previously: First date with Billy is hot, but a ski wreck keeps me from the second. His anger while I'm recovering makes me dismiss him. Click here to read past installments.

Billy showed up at my house the day before Valentine's Day. It had been a month since my ski wreck, I was still strapped in a brace and unable to sit up for more than 30 minutes without pain.

There'd been no communication for weeks and Billy was completely off my radar when a strange email arrived:

"Dear Sara. The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days, and I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I am no more. If I do not return, never forget how much I loved you. Nor that when my last breath escapes me, it will whisper your name."

What the...?!

It turned out to be a letter written by a soldier during the Civil War, who was going into battle and writing his wife Sara to say goodbye. At the end of the letter, Billy wrote, "I'll pick you up at 6 p.m. on February 13 and have you back home no later than midnight. Just send directions."

I emailed back: "I must say I got scared till I figured out this letter was from someone else to someone else. You're the romantic, that's for sure." I said I was still in a lot of pain. "I see the doc again tomorrow for more xrays and prognosis. Let's talk after that, if you'd like."

He shot back an email saying: "Can't you just say yes or no to a date without talking to a doctor? I'm offering you six hours of thinking about something other than yourself. I really don't know if you can do that! You are not in the worst physical condition of anyone with a broken collarbone. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. I wanted to see you, I wanted to know you, before I heard your tepid, vague, inconclusive response. Do you always have to control with procrastination? Are you capable of answering a single question? Do you want to see me? Yes or No?"

I was surprised at how enraged this email made me. I didn't care about the man, I thought he was nuts, and presumptuous, and in need of anger management. There's no way, I thought, any human could respond to such an email other than saying "No," which I did.

Then came the final email. "I'm sorry to learn of your decision but pleased you've made things clear. My email that offended you was not hostile, as you suggested. It was blunt and provocative. I would rather push you to hot or cold than linger forever in tepid. Since last November, you've been constantly making excuses, telling me:

Wait till I finish this article
Wait till after Christmas
Wait till my "friend" and ex-lover leaves
Wait till I am healed.

I didn't like being left dangling as a remote possibility for you and didn't want that any more.

I would have quit dating anyone else to explore our possibilities.
I would have cared for you after your injury.
I would have introduced you to my children.
Without any hostility, only disappointment and best wishes and a prayer for your healing and happiness, with love, Goodbye. Billy.

I should have left it at that. But I re-read his emails and thought, he does have a point. I did put him off for months before meeting him.

I told my friend, Claire, I was thinking of calling him.

"Why?" she asked.

Something was making me unsettled. "Some small doubt... like, maybe I shut the door on something that might have had a glimmer of possibility?"

Claire looked dubious.

I called Billy and said, "I hate to end things by email. If you're going to be in Boulder, why don't we talk in person?"

A few days later, he called and said he was driving up for the Boulder Film Festival and would be staying with his sister. When he arrived, driving a Lexus hybrid, I'd forgotten how attractive he is: tall, lean, with large blue eyes and a playful, teasing manner.

Most surprising -- and disquieting - I felt the same jolt of energy pass through me that I'd experienced that first night at the Grisly Rose. My entire body wanted to connect with his. We eyed each other, cautiously, like two animals. After lunch, we talked about what had happened since the accident. He'd felt rejected and dismissed, and I'd felt he was unreasonably angry and quick to lash out. He didn't understand why I had to be so inactive with a broken collar bone. "If the bones are in the same area code, they'll connect," he said. I told him my doctor had said it wasn't certain that the bones would connect without surgery, which I wanted to avoid because I have phlebitis, which makes any surgery dangerous.

As he left, he gave me a full body hug, and the chemistry was mighty. He said with some surprise. "I thought you wanted to break up with me in person."

"I think we should keep the door open," I said.

To Be Continued...

Please leave a comment. How would you have responded to Billy's emails? Have you had a relationship that started badly and ended well? (what I was hoping for) Did chemistry ever lead you astray?

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Comments

[mercymercyme]

I don't care how attractive a guy is. The minute he starts bitching and moaning via text messages and giving you a hard time, the thrill is over. Sounds like a case of Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde chemistry to me.

[JustSayMaybe]

I think a major element of any problems here is the nature of text-based communication. Accurately conveying emotion is nearly impossible, even with deliberate effort. You reacted to his emails thinking he was being short, harsh, angry, lashing out, etc. Even if he later has a chance to correct that misunderstanding, the affective experience already happened. And I wouldn't doubt that similar issues have happened on his end; he may have been reading your text as aloof, flippant, indirect, avoiding topics, etc. when it wasn't necessarily. This is becoming a widespread communication issue in relationships, romantic or otherwise, as we become more dependent on emails, texts, tweets, and so on and so forth.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

I agree, email can be misunderstood, which is one of the reasons I suggested talking in person. As you'll see, though, email was the least of the problems -- and joys -- that unfolded. Stay tuned!

[MagicalPossibilities]

He sounds like a controlling, jealous, manipulating jerk. Annoying at best, abusive at worst.
Many red flags throughout your stories.
Run for the hills sweetie!

[charliemay]

I keep wondering why his behavior keeps being "labeled" as abusive/ma­nipulative­? I guess it all depends on the outcome. IF they had become a married couple, then his behavior would be labeled "seductive".

Standard dilemma for many men I know in the generation that includes both Sara and I. Namely, you come on strong to women then the label is "controlling, abusive,ma­nipulating­" . When you're passive, you see woman after woman going for the guy who is "blunt, provocative". It doesn't take a Phi Beta Kappa from Berkeley to figure out what will win in the long run.

[zizyphus]

Haven't you read "The Alchemy of Love and Lust" by Theresa Crenshaw, MD? I recommend this book to all women, it is crucial to at least have some idea what is really compelling you and how it happens. A fascinating read, as well.

It is all hormones, all the time. Well, at least until menopause.­..actually­, menopause was a relief. It was liberating to be out from under the spell of those extremely powerful hormones. I was finally above the fray.

There is a difference between love and lust. I think mostly we call lust "love" to rationalize our behavior that would otherwise look crazy.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Of course there's a difference between lust and love, but when addiction is triggered - which it was in my case - reason and wisdom go out the window. But there is hope! We don't have to be slaves to our hormones.

[wendoxia]

i dont agree with much of anything i have read here. i like this man. he is blunt and provocativ­e..... he'd appeal to me as well, and he sounds like your match. As much as jane austen says that smart men do not silly wives. the reserve is also true. dont smart tough women want smart tough husbands? i do.

[charliemay]

I'm in agreement with Wendoxia. There was no "abuse" in this story. Calling what happened to Sara marginalizes the story of women who really have been abused. I have participated in fund raising for shelters for women who have had to leave their homes because of 'real' violence. Physical assault, forced coercion in marital assets. As Wendoxia put it, he was 'blunt and provocative'. That quality has an appeal to a number of women.

Perhaps the idea that Sara should think about is to negoiate what the relationship is going to be before you split the sheets.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

You're not the only woman (nor was I) to find Billy appealing. But most, just hearing his words and behavior, are saying, "Run."

I suspect it's easier to say that when you're reading about someone else's romance than when you're in it yourself, and your body is giving you strong signals. And you're having fun, and laughing, and haven't felt this turned on in years. It's not so easy to shut the door on that.

[wendoxia]

i agree sara, i wouldnt have run...i havent run from far worse.

[emily2010]

I hope at the end of this story you are married to Billy the Good.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Ha, made me laugh. Bill the Good is 20 years younger and lives in a trailer park. Do you still want me married to him?
He is a dear, wonderful friend.

[Susan Graham]

am 40 and still single. . and the story is very touching and dangerous, am glad i am reading this story as as a woman i feel very vulnerable. i fall for man who are sweet in making promises then get hurt , well so far i have managed to avoid them. i really would love to meet a man who is understanding but none have managed to be strong enough. anyway please keep the story going , i am always learning.

[We-Are-The-Ones]

He hasn't hit you, yet. He has, however, abused you.

"Can't you just say yes or no to a date without talking to a doctor? I'm offering you six hours of thinking about something other than yourself. I really don't know if you can do that! You are not in the worst physical condition of anyone with a broken collarbone. Quit feeling sorry for yourself."

To restate what he really said;

Or, I care little for your pain.

Or, your pain is minimal in my view.

Or, I care little for your need to see your doctor.

Or, your situation is no bigger than anyone else's even though I didn't bother to ask you
whether that was true or not. I am better at deciding what is good for than you than you and your doctor are

And by thinking of your own pain, you are selfish.

How dare you put yourself above me a person you do not even know.

Please look up the steps in an abusive relationship. This is not normal. I will pray for you.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, it's emotional abuse. And I do come through this whole and okay. The main point of writing the story in detail is to learn from it, so we don't fall prey to this. Thanks for your insight.

[We-Are-The-Ones]

This guy sounds abusive. He has already walked you through Stage 1 denigration. He completely ignored and undermined your pain. Did he even bother to ask you how you felt? It made it all about him and never even bothered about you.

Stay away from him. He sounds dangerous. You are not an animal such that you cannot ignore chemistry. Find a man who wants to be with you and who cares for you rather than a freak who is walking you down the path to an abusive relationship.

Beware

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, please see my comment above. It's not easy to find the emotionally mature man who's willing and able to sustain a relationship. So if you have one, take good care of that relationship.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Sara I live in Boulder. Send me his email as I'd like to meet Billy.

[We-Are-The-Ones]

You must like men who are into themselves and who cares nothing about your injury. Other than to minimize it, he doesn't ask about her health as well. Why want a man like that. No accounting for taste. Some women do want abusive men.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

I don't think any woman really wants an abusive man. That's why I'm writing this - to show the anatomy of an unhealthy relationship, so we have the fortitude to let it go.

[cblcar]

Your writing is wonderful, of course. I'm a huge fan of your work. I just wish this was a piece of fiction. As it is, it's kind of like that proverbial train wreck that you really don't want to look at, but you do, and then you just feel sad.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for the kind words. I promise, it's not all sad. And there's sunlight and joy at the other end.

[frustratedinohio]

I don't think you can trust "chemistry" to lead you down the right path. At least that never worked for me. I'm 50 now, but by 35 I had figured out that any man I felt that way about was going to be my worst nightmare out of bed. I think it's an old biological thing left over from caveman days. It indicates that the two of you would make healthy babies together.

As for this, "Something was making me unsettled. "Some small doubt... like, maybe I shut the door on something that might have had a glimmer of possibility?" My therapist would have a field day with that one. Are you asking for trouble here? Really? This guy is a creep and you know it. Not only that, but he's a controlling and manipulative little bugger. If you had a relationship, you would always be searching for freedom and he would always be making you feel like you abandoned him.

Stop punishing yourself. You dodged a bullet. At least I hope you did. It's unsettling knowing this guy knows where you live. Any chance you feel like moving? Ha! Just kidding.

[Sara Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

I'm afraid it took this relationship for me to learn what chemistry truly is. Merely chemistry. Be thankful you had it figured out by 35.