Dear Celebrity Moms:
I love reading about what's in your bags. I really do. Because it makes me feel like, you know, we're practically the same person. It's sort of uncanny, actually, the overlap between the stuff in our bags. In fact, it seems the only significant difference is how I'm toting a roughly 7-year old, beat-up, sippy-cup-milk-stained purse and you're, well, not. But hey! Besides that, we're all just moms battling it out for the sake of survival, right? And the junk in our purse, well, those are the ties that bind.
And frankly, I think you guys are missing out. We all get to read about what's in YOUR bags on a regular basis, but no one gives you the same opportunity to feel that connection, that bond, with US. And so, on behalf of all the non-celeb moms out there, I want to give you a quick peek into what's in my bag!
1. Super-luxe, pearly-iridescent, pressed face powder. Oh no, wait. On second glance, I believe that's roughly, and I'm just spitballing here, about one third of a cup of ground up Cheerio dust. Or maybe crushed fruit bar remnants? It's hard to know for sure because I haven't given either to my children in a few weeks. But it's one of those two. Probably. But don't quote me on that.
2. All-natural, jojoba-infused, gluten-free, essential-oil, nude-tinted lip balm with SPF 50. Oh sh*t. I think my oldest actually stole that to bring in to school and then let her friends borrow it and so I never got it back. Hold up, Angelina -- I know I have something in here that fits the bill. Wait, what's this? Oh yes, the faux-strawberry-flavored, princess-themed, knock-off chapstick my daughter got in a goody bag from that party last summer. It's half-melted and your guess is as good as mine about where the cap went, but I'm sure it's in here somewhere.
3. Approximately seven expired coupons and/or past-due reward bucks to Old Navy, Children's Place, Gymboree, Carter's and Banana Republic. See! There's one for me! Kimye, for reals. You and I are to fashion like Willow Smith is to Instagram. Controversial. Cutting edge. Needing to buy clothes for the folks around us.
4. Dainty forehead-oil dabbers. Mila, and here you thought you were the only one with an expectant glow requiring some mid-day touch ups? Think again! I mean, sure, I bought these beauties 10 years ago with the full on intent to keep my face shine-free and primarily use them now as back-up diaper wipes when I've forgotten to replace the empty packet, but still! And please, don't worry about being embarrassed to be seen with me and my forehead sheen. I've always got a (only slightly-used) tissue shoved in the top of my bra to dab at the baby's daycare-induced non-stop faucet nose. Can use that in a pinch, no prob!
5. Orchid and baby's breath, Vitamin D-enriched, cooling body spray mist to freshen up when I'm on the go. OK. This time I lied. I don't. I do, however, have a Shout on-the-go wipe to get out the prune/oatmeal mush the baby wiped on my shirt during breakfast on those (daily) occasions when I don't notice it's there until I'm walking into work. And there is, of course, the extra deodorant in my desk drawer for the days I just plum forgot to put it on. Or to shower. OK, OK, you caught me again! I may have chosen not to shower to save time. But only for two days, three max.
And anyway, I digress -- we can totally cover the junk in my desk drawer another time. And Gwyneth, you were so right on. Having all these goodies available in my desk drawer is just another perk we office moms have over you traveling celeb types. But we can still hang, right? I mean, we haven't even gotten to the binder clips that serve double-duty as back-up hair clips AND half-eaten potato chip bag clips! Wait, is that you calling now? Hold on, hold on, looking for my phone, should only take me a few minutes to find it here, keys, no, McDonald's happy meal toy, no, ugh. Missed the call. Try me again, kay? Kay.
The Non-Celeb Mom
Follow Sara Goldfarb on Twitter: www.twitter.com/sjgoldfarb