In the Wake of Prop 8: No More Us vs. Them

I have spent much of my life as a victim. As a lesbian, as a woman, I have been a victim of hate, of violence, of job discrimination.

I'm done. I don't want to be the other. I don't want to be on one side while the rest of the world, divided by what often feels like an arbitrary line, sits on the other. Please, no more Us vs. Them.

I am an American. I am responsible for three kids, my wife- my family. I love them and it is my job to take good care of them- the best care of them I possibly can. I pay taxes and a mortgage. In order to do that, I need to be an excellent employee, work hard, put in my best effort.

I am motivated by being a good role model for my children. I need to support them emotionally, and provide the best education possible. My marriage, keeps more than just our community wrapped around keeping our relationship intact, it provides laws to do so, too.

Marriage is good for society. It keeps families whole and provides safety nets- especially for children. It has for a long time. It will continue to for a long time.

I'm not looking for any special treatment- except on my birthday, when I love my kids waking me up at the crack of dawn to provide me a "leisurely" breakfast in bed. I don't except to pay less for gas, or to have a special line to get past airport security faster than anyone else.

Most of all, I don't want pity. I am stronger than most people. I can haul wood or groceries or laundry endless distances. I can stay up all night and rub a sick child's back until they can fall back asleep again. I can cook dinner for my family every night or for 50 people on Superbowl Sunday.

I can hold unbearable past experiences and still breathe in the joy of my life today.

I am a good friend. I care deeply about my neighbors, my community, my country. I donate my time, my money to help better the world.

I am not on the other side. I am not a tiny piece of a small fragment in this country.

Don't ever feel sorry for me.

Let me have the full responsibility of being an American. Because we deserve an American workforce free of discrimination, we deserve the strongest military in the world and every child in this country deserves a family.

I am an asset to this society. Let us all erase the lines of Us and Them. Think of what we can do if we do it together.

I want excellence. I want a stronger America.

It's something, I believe, we can all agree on.

Comments

[PhilipB]

Thank you so much, Sara.
That is so well put. I so appreciate your post.
My partner of 22 years raised his daughter, we have two grandsons and one cat. We just put up our Christmas tree.
I am so weary of not being an equal citizen. Equality for all, exept if you are a gay family.

[RexT]

Well put Sara, and you're right on - it's not just about "The Gays - LGBT folks" - it's about all of us. We all have collective energy, time and money to put forth in so many more important ways. Given the where we once were vs where we are - I think we will soon see amazing breakthroughs on "our" equality issues. There is good change in the wind and having talked to many people in the past few months on this subject, one thing is clear, regardless of the "poll data and other data" - people of all walks of life, race, religion are tired of the us vs them! It's so much more fun in life when what we're focusing on is creating a strong future for everyone.

[bwalsh1]

I support legal rights for gay couples and civil unions. But I don't want it to be called "marriage." According to my faith, marriage is a spiritual and physical union between a man and a woman with the intention of procreation. I realize this does not fit everyone's definition, but the historical definition, even in societies where homosexuality was not taboo, is that marriage is a man and a woman. Why should we change thousands of years of tradition to cater to a minority group? I want you to have the legal protection you need, but please don't change the definition of a word so important to my faith. If you are going to change the meaning of an institution that is thousands of years old, give it a different name.

[Sara Whitman - Huffpost Blogger]

separation of church and state, my dear.

no, I will not call it something else. it's simply marriage. I am married. I live in MA, I really, truly am married.

hasn't done a single thing to your faith.

as long as marriage is recognized by the government, it's for every citizen in this country. good for everyone.

you, me- your kids, my kids- everyone.

[NCMan]

What you want to ignore is that your individual faith is not what should be used as the legal definiion of CIVIL marriage. If society decided to use a particular religious doctrine to define CIVIL marriage, then according to your own definition, heterosexual atheists couldn't get married. In your definition couples who couldn't procreate wouldn't qualify. If we choose to use the Catholic faith's definition, divorced heterosexual couldn't get married. Why is is that you are willing to accept ALL of these OTHER marriages even though they don't meet the qualifications of "your faith" but you still can't accept same-sex marriage? Is it because these other faux versions of marriage just happen to appear to look like your faith's version of marriage at first glance?

How about a compromise for you? What if we call ALL legal unions Civil Unions for both gays and straights. Then we let individual churches decided whether they do or do not want to "bless" these unions as a religious marriage. That way Catholics can deny religious marriage to divorced heterosexuals. Your church can deny religious marriage to gay couples and my church can perform religious marriage cerimonies for gay couples. That way everybody is EQUAL in the eyes of the law. And, each person's religious beliefs are honored by their own individual churches.

Here is the point. Your individual religious beliefs are NOT more important than mine or more important than an atheist's lack of religious beliefs. Get over your self-importance please.

[NCMan]

Can you please provide us with a complete list of the words you want to claim as belonging to your specific faith? Do you want ownership ofthe word "spouse"? I would guess you also want the words "husband" and "wife" as well. What about mother-in-law and father-in-law? What about "family" does your faith get to define that word as well?

I think your idea of assigning ownership of a word to a specific religious faith is a slippery slope to start down. Where will it end? You may say now that marriage is the only word you want to control. But, once you are given that one you will soon be demanding control of more and more words all in the name of your faith which we all don't share.

[OtayPanky]

I said this before on another blog. Initially it got a lot of flack (which I expected) but that led to a truly productive dialogue.

I'm a straight man who is 100% in support of the normalization of homosexuals and homsexuality in our society. When my kids were growing up, I told them that I didn't give a damn whether they turned out gay, straight or bi - just be decent human beings.

So - with those creds, I'll say this: as long as the gay and lesbian community insist on their right to show everybody how different they are, giving the media an opportunity every year to de-normalize the community in the eyes of middle America, they're shooting themselves in the foot in terms of achieving their legislative agenda.

I'm not saying it's right or fair - but I am saying it's a fact.

The community needs to get some PR savvy folks to start running the show - toning down the public display to present the media with a picture that won't raise red flags among those who remain suspicious and unconvinced that homosexuals are actually "normal" people.

Of course, the community has the right to act outrageously on Stonewall day if it wants to. But how much could that expression of freedom cost in terms of Prop 8 votes? My guess is - it costs a lot.

[NCMan]

Of course. And, while we're at it, let's put an end to that annual outrageous ritual called Mardi Gras because it makes heteros look bad. Let's also put an end to the annual debauchery called "spring break" because those hetero callege kidss just look like sex crazed idiots. Let's stop the madness of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos because they give a bad impression of the normal hetero "lifestyle".

Maybe if the media didn't use selected images from annual gay pride events as a broad brush to paint an entire community with, this issue wouldn't concern you so much.

[jamesinsf]

I would prefer no more "us versus them" situations. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking has been so ingrained in the American and Western mind that it will take generations to purge from society. Think: Cartesian thought as the foundation for Western philosophy, which is why the "saint versus sinner" dichotomy became so rigid in the Abrahamic religions.

We are already responsible members of this society, but we sometimes hide because of the danger to our lives. Evidence is strong that support for full rights for gay people goes up among those people who have out, known gay people in their lives. Harvey Milk said it best: "Come out, come out, wherever you are", knowing that if we come out, people would get to know us and get over their fear of gay people as "the other".

For those of us who can come out, let us do that en masse. We also must unite to fight for full equality, as that is the gay agenda - nothing more and nothing less.

[Sara Whitman - Huffpost Blogger]

Quit? who the heck is quitting? I'm not quitting. what I'm saying is it's about all of us. not just LGBT folks.

all of us.

[DownerCow]

Sorry, I thought you were refering to Lennon's US: 'I hope some day you'll join us' vs. Sarah Palin's THEM: 'He's not one of us.' But after Prop 8 and some of the comments on this blog, I see your point and am saddened by it.

[DownerCow]

Sometimes if you don't choose sides, you get rolled over by a tank. I'm against THEM, fascists who would sacrifice you in order to get ignorant people to vote for them. Your not liking the situation will not change it; THEY will grow faster without your resistance. And then the rest of us, (disabled, non-caucasian, non-Christian, etc.) will have to struggle that much harder.

But I don't blame you for giving up our fight. You are bearing the brunt of it right now. But you are not alone.

[jake106]

That is an incredibly broad brush that you are using to paint "them" with. I guess if they aren't disabled, non-caucasian, or non-Christian, they must be them? That puts me square in the middle of them. I have to agree with Sara, the us vs. them mentality is what got us here in the first place. The supporters of prop 8 look at you as "them". You look at the supporters as "them". Neither side looks at each other as a part of "us", so neither side is interested in reaching across the divide and trying to unite "us" again.

Things will never change as long as we continue to look at each other as us or them. This I truly believe.

[DownerCow]

Certainly christian caucasians were 'THEM' to Stalin. I think we agree on the enemy: anyone who draws a line. My point is that they threw the first punch, are not going away, and need to be fought.