It's closing time on a terrible day.

There's a terrible storm cooking pea-sized hail above me. Minutes ago I borrowed a flashlight from the closet and ankled over to the apartment stairwell. I saw my tornado safe spot, though what I really saw superimposed onto reality was the carcass...

Let's be clear. Nobody wakes up with your best interests at heart. Not your parents, not your lover, not your colleagues -- not totally. No one wants to sabotage you, probably. But only one person opens his pillow-drunk eyes with a whole-hearted devotion toward protecting your ass: You. Welcome to...

I got caught reading Craig Ferguson's memoir, American on Purpose, today. What I said to the educated professional thumbing through my diversion was, "You should've caught me Monday. I was reading about Shakespeare, which is much more impressive." The first part of that's true.

He visibly agreed with the...

If, like millions of graduates, you're leaving a university this year to enter the workforce, you'll likely be among those sticking a toe inside an office at some point. (Unless you're one of those neo, telecommuting avatars of anonymity who beams streams back to the team...

Recently a professor asked me if I would wear Google glasses.

But wait. If you haven't heard about Google glasses or seen this video (or its parody), then here's a summary: Google glasses glue augmented reality onto your face. If you were to dissect your...

The Goop Directory is a small pack of poems about kids who act like monsters. They flick matches like mini-Drew Barrymore firestarters, spit hurricanes of food because they talk while eating, and stomp through puddles often enough to suggest they want trench foot. They lack...

You've abandoned your day to the vultures. Everything's rotten. A Murphy's Law day. A day for which the Men in Black memory-wiping neuralizer really should exist. Nobody died, but after arriving at this conclusion, you fail to find another positive observation.

Think, you think.

Didn't I get a...

Finishing early rarely looks good.

I'll politely smile and still respect you if you finish early. But I'll suspect you were rushing because you didn't enjoy it. I'll wonder if something went wrong. I won't know if you'll try to rush through all future endeavors.

So please try...