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Mouth to Mouth Resuscitation Needed: Watching the Oscars 2012

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Having trouble sleeping? Watch the 2012 Oscars. How does an industry that's completely geared towards pleasing the masses manage to create an awards show that's zero percent entertaining? We aren't sure, but somehow they did. Last night went to a record breaking boring place despite a heroic effort that included:

multiple camera angles on an iOS app;
a hottie playing the electric violin; and
Emma Stone acting like a normal person even though she had a fabric parrot on her shoulder.

Yeah, we know it was pretty exciting when Sacha Baron Cohen threw the contents of his vacuum cleaner on Ryan Seacrest and pretended it was a dead dictator... but that's just not enough. Everything about the Oscars this year left us wanting more or at least the split screen function so we could simultaneously watch the all star game.

Making the Oscars better, or at least watchable, isn't that complicated. We think that with three adjustments, the Academy could make 2013 a better award show place for all of us.

1. Stop talking about their dresses already.

We are so over talking about what everyone is wearing. It takes everything the people (particularly the women) have worked for their entire careers and reduces it to something Mario Lopez could drink with a hot orange swirly straw. Next year let's even the playing field. Attention Hollywood, forget the designer outfit and wrap yourself in a bed sheet. That way no one can judge you on physicalities. Just think how fulfilling it would be to take the focus off your upper arms and put it back on your career.

Alternatively we could turn the Oscars into a costume party. We think awards shows might be more entertaining if they were themed. Clark suggested everyone come dressed like a Dragon, but that doesn't make any sense and it's probably due to the bottle of wine he had to consume to stay awake. And by awake we mean surfing the consumer reports app for a new dishwasher.

2. What award is this? Tell me, then give me a reason to care.

There are only about four awards that people remember. Take some of that "movie industry" creative genius and find some way to make everything else relevant, or don't put it on prime time TV.

We're sorry, but let's be honest, half the time we weren't sure what award was being presented. It's like WTF could Transformers possibly have in common with Drive, definitely not chiseled cheek bones. Clark kept yelling out "it's Harry Potter," which was clearly some kind of apathy induced Oscars Tourettes. Of course most of the time the unrecognizable award went to Hugo. What was that movie anyway? After it won 318 times, we were left wondering if maybe we shouldn't just forget about this debacle on ABC and head straight to the Clearview cinema for a late night Hugo viewing.

3. A little less country club and little more dive bar.

What's with the orchestra and the bow ties? This thing might be more interesting and/or relatable if we bring it down a little. Things to consider for next year: work in some starched jeans and PBR on tap. Sound a little like the Country Music Awards? Whatever, at least we were able to sit through those without texting our exes out of a desperate attempt to entertain ourselves. The best part of this Oscars (the only thing they should expand on) were the montages where actors talked and dressed like normal, accessible people. They effectively broke down the importance of film, told us what inspired them, and why they made a commitment to a project that 99 times out of 100 wouldn't come to fruition.

Their inspiration and their passion is something we can all relate to. It's not the million dollar necklaces combo'd with the perfectly constructed side pony tails that represent why we love movies. The Oscars should be just as captivating and entertaining as the movies it celebrates. The people who are recognized should be just as accessible and diverse in thought and appearance as the characters from the stories we love.

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