Ten Ways to Find Your Children More Likeable (And to Be More Likeable to Your Children)

As the weather turns cooler, and the school year is in full swing, it is time for my office at the group counseling practice where I work to fill up once again with parents complaining about what awful children they have. So many parents feel that their children are rude, lazy, high maintenance, and just not very much fun to be around. Often parents says things like, "You know kids these days," as if today's culture has been raising their children since birth. While it's true that many things about today's culture certainly may make the tricky job of parenting even trickier, the good news is that we, as parents, have a lot more influence over our children than we often give ourselves credit for. Here are a few changes you can make to increase the chance that you will actually want to spend time with you kids.

1. Insist on basic good manners. Teaching your child manners is not just about making him or her a "polite" child. Manners are about treating other people with respect and empathy and being interested in the other person's experience in the interaction. Every time your child demands a glass of milk without saying please and thank you, you may feel disrespected and uncared for, and you also may have negative thoughts about your child like, "What a rude kid." With a toddler or pre-school child, you can use a simple, brief correction like, "Milk, please." With an older child, you may want to say something like, "In this family we use please and thank you when we make requests." Make sure to make your statement calm, brief and uncritical, and, most importantly, make sure to follow the rule yourself.

2. Ask your child to do a few chores around the house. I am always amazed how many parents think it is too much to ask their children to do a few basic chores around the house. Certainly, children today are often loaded with activities and homework, but that doesn't mean they can't manage to squeeze in at least a few minutes of chores each day. It's never too early to give your children the message that being in a family means that everyone pitches in. (My two year old has been putting his clothes in the hamper before his bath for quite a while). Having your child do some chores has many benefits. You can be stretched a bit less thin when you have some extra help, and you may also find watching your child do chores makes you see him or her in a more positive light. Chores also help children build confidence and teach them to start to be responsible for themselves.

3. Avoid over scheduling. As hard as it can be to resist the pressure to make sure your child is "well-rounded" and participates in every possible enriching activity, resisting may be well worth it. Remember that whenever you or your child is spread too thin, the family will inevitably become more stressed. More stress means you are more likely to snap at your kids, and they are more likely to become tired, whiney and irritable. Less time means fewer opportunities for self-care, downtime and relaxed play and conversation between you and your kid.

4. Try to create some balance with the parenting chores. Even if one parent works and one parent stays home full-time, do what you can to have some balance in the parenting activities. Bathing your child every single night can become monotonous (to say the least). Bathing your child every other night can be a fun, quiet time to connect with your child. When one parent is doing almost all of the parenting, that parent can become burnt-out, and the other parent can become disconnected.

5. Do some fun activities without your children around. Remember when you used to go to the movies with friends or wander through the mall all on your own? Having children doesn't mean you have to give up all the activities you used to enjoy. Do what you can to make time for hobbies or just plain fun without your kids. Part of taking good care of our mental health is engaging in activities that bring us pleasure. Sacrificing all of these activities does not benefit us or our children. Children would rather spend a bit less time with a happy, relaxed parent than more time with a cranky, irritable one.

6. Do some fun activities with your child. Remember that one of the best ways to nurture our relationships with our children is to play with them. Do activities outside of the house with your children, where you won't be distracted by chores, phone or email. Pick activities that both you and your children enjoy so that everyone is fully engaged.

7. Take up yoga, meditation or exercise. One of the most key elements to parenting is self-care. Commit to an activity where the main purpose is self-care. Not only will you get the physical and mental benefits of the activity, you will also experience the symbolic meaning of taking time to take care of yourself. This will recharge you for your interactions with your children and also sets a good example for your children about self-care.

8. Focus on other relationships too. Go out on a date with your significant other. Have coffee with your mom. Meet your best friend for a movie. Our children are generally fascinating and demanding people, and it is very easy to get so sucked into their world that you forget to nurture other relationships. This is no fun for your child ("Lay off, Mom or Dad"), and this is clearly no good for your other important relationships.

9. Go to therapy. Therapy can be very useful for reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety. Don't wait until you are feeling awful to go. Also, sometimes a few consultations with a good therapist can help you get clear on those parenting issues where you tend to get stuck over and over.

10. Lighten up. Remember, parenting can get pretty intense, and it is easy to lose perspective. Don't freak out because your child missed his nap, had a temper tantrum, wore an outfit you didn't like, had a fight with a friend, didn't get into an Ivy League college or picked his nose in front of your relatives. None of these situations are life-or-death emergencies, and they are all good learning opportunities. Having a more relaxed and rational attitude about events in your child's life will help your child to feel less pressured, learn to problem solve more independently, and develop a more rational way of looking at life's problems him or herself.

Comments

[phillygrrl]

All of that advice is great, and spot-on. I must protest to Number 9, however. It strikes me as a bit elitist. Not everyone can afford therapy to "deal" with their kid. It may be nice, but the majority of parents don't have the money or the time. Or the inclination. You also make parenting sound super bad to non-parents by implying that it's so draining and traumatic that it requires something as drastic as therapy. What a turn off from the beauty and joy that can come with children. No doubt by pushing therapy you hope to promote business to counselors like yourself. When I have kids, my therapist is going to be my mom and all the other great mothers I know. I'll be too busy saving for my kid's college fund to waste it venting to an overpriced counselors. Good article, otherwise. Best, PG

[AmpRia]

You missed the most important one. Turn off the TV. Seriously, children who don't watch television are MUCH, MUCH nicer to be around.

There are complex reasons for this. The simple reason is that they learn those rude behaviors from characters on the television.

I still haven't found a simple way to talk about the complex reasons. I think it has to do with how a child's energy is used through a day - when they are in front of a TV (or computer screen?) they are still. When they stop watching they need to move around. They don't learn how to entertain themselves. They don't know how to draw on their own resources to do things that they find interestign to themselves.

For more on children and television visit website: www.tvp.org. The site is old, but the info good.

Thanks

[ADavey]

You'll like your kids more if you don't outsource raising them to their peer group.

Parents need to remain involved in their children's lives as the children grow older. When kids try to govern themselves, the result is Lord of the Flies. Left to their own devices, little boys and adolescent boys, and all age groups in between, can come up with terrible ideas about what to do, and they can quickly become bullies or victims of bullying. This may be true for girls, too, but my experience is with males.

Find out who your children's friends are. Find out what they're doing together. Don't be afraid to veto friends or group activities, especially if they are unsupervised.

[texanna]

I have only one quibble, and it's with regards the suggestion about how to teach your children good manners. Nowhere in the suggestion is the most important method of teaching manners mentioned. The parents' own behavior is the best way to teach children basic good manners. Simply telling children that they must treat others with respect and courtesy is not going to get the job done. The old saying about a picture being worth 1000 words is an old saying because it's true.

[cdnnewsjunky]

"most importantly, make sure to follow the rule yourself. " - 1. Insist on basic good manners.

Hopefully that will un-quibble things. :)

[AmeriGus]

I was a lifelong believer in strict discipline and compliance to behavior expectations. I knew I'd raise my girls this way and did, up till they were 4 and 6.

Then, at 40, while finishing a Masters in Education to become a schoolteacher, I took courses in Behavior Management meant for instructing how to best manage classrooms and I realized with shock I was doing the opposite. This honestly changed how I treat my own kids. I've been teaching in a middle school for about two years now and find it the only way to teach and interact with children, especially those already "beaten down" by strict authority institutionally or at home.

I still have high expectations for my kids but it's all about how to bring this about. Think about yourself being told to shut up and sit down. Even if it's expressed more gently, it's still the same message of dictatorial power. In education, this is called the Kantor model, where adults establish and maintain control using reward or punishment - I call it the Nurse Ratchet model. This is a loser in schools like mine and homes everywhere where kids comply for the moment but harbor deep resentment to explode later. I remember feeling like this in school and became a rebellious teen myself.

Read here of three researchers who agree adults should evolve and adapt rules as their kids grow.
http://www.opednews.com/articles/2/life_a_gustav_w_070709_child_behavior_do_s_.htm

[indy100]

You're kidding yourself if you think that being "nice" and asking kids, instead of telling them, to do things will always work. Sometimes they have to be told, and they won't like it. You've obviously had little experience with pre-teens and teenagers. Ever have a boss tell you to do something, instead of asking sweetly? That's life. As a mom of four (18 to 27) I can say it's a delicate balancing act, although your primary job is to raise children to become self-sufficient adults. It is not to be their friend. With love, perseverance and luck you may get to be their friend when they're adults, although you never stop being a mom either. I've seen plenty of kids (including unfortunately sometimes my own) who are rude, lazy, self-centered, and apathetic to the world around them. No matter how hard we try our kids will fail sometimes, as will we as parents, but with consistency, love, discipline and a good example they usually turn out to be adults you can be proud of.

[richmc]

what most of these kids need is a good spanking. How about I Told You To Say Please Maybe Next Time You'll remember Mister Smart Aleck. That's fourteen swats on the fanny. That'll do it.

[wagadog]

yah right. the beatings will continue until morale improves. great way to teach negotiating skills, self-restraint and thoughtful behavior.

[HRhuffinstuff]

2 things-

1. Wow, the kids get a bath every night in your house? I think the best advice I ever got was from my sister in law

How often do you wash a baby? "When they start to stink" (somewhere between that and every night I think lies the answer) Little kids don't really need a bath every day... unless they're in the sandbox/get messy alot.

2. Don't forget that motherhood (or fatherhood) is just one aspect of your life. You owe it to your kids to show them how to live a balanced life- and part of that is taking some time for yourself where you're not just maintaining order in the house/working. Have friends. Have fun. Come home and be appreciative of your kids because you actually had 5 minutes to miss them! Check out www.mothersandmore.com

[TallGrrl]

Here's the perfect way to find your, or anyone's, children more likeable:
Don't have 'em. Don't be around 'em more than necessary.
It works perfectly for me.

[ForObamaInDallas]

HA! As a childfree woman, I agree with you. ;-)

[MsDoc]

I'm a single parent who raised three daughters pretty much on my own. When my husband died, and after the intense grief had passed, friends began encouraging me to find a social life.

My daughters were 4, 10, and 12.

I had a decision to make and I made it in favor of raising my girls...

No, it wasn't easy. Sometimes I really wanted to become seriously ill enough to be put in intensive care just for the solitude. A long hot ( uninterupted) bath was a dream beyond measure.

What we had to do was become a family unit of a different kind and we worked very hard to accomplish that. The operative word there is WE. After one particularly horrendous day ( I was teaching at the time...fortunately their hours and vacation days pretty much matched my own).. we sat down at the kitchen table and talked over hot chocolate with oodles of whipped cream and hammered out a Peace Accord. Personal and family responsibilities were divided by consensus ( The UN should take note of our negotiations ) along with a "reward" system. The older girls, for example, now in High School, were given three "mental health days" in which they could stay home without challenge.

Children know when they are out-of-line...and they need structure and limits. Baby birds die if someone helps them out of the protective shells because they don't develop the strength to live on their own.

[nee]

You made the right choice. Your children will thank you when they get older.

[MsDoc]

Thank you very much...

[MsDoc]

I'm adding a PS....

A social life came later, and the "girls" are women now. The oldest has a dual degree in Social Work and Psychology and now, at 35, with a family of her own, is studying for the ministry...the middle daughter has a Master's in Special Education...and a family of her own, and the youngest at 25, has a Masters in Teaching and is teaching in a rural school.

Oh...and none of this stopped them from spraying our Samoyed orange for Homecoming.

Raising kids is not an extra-curricular activity.

[Chaimirija]

You rock, MsDoc!

Am taking the same route due to unfortuante circumstances, and, having been raised as an after thought, I know I am making the right decision, despite the advice of the 'put yourself first crowd'.

[bullypulpit]

Discipline, boundaries, activities, guidance. Be there for your child--it's your job--but don't try to be his friend. Kids do not raise themselves.

[thinkagain2]

I would add a few things to your list:

1. Be willing to learn from your child. My daughter had some really great questions and comments from an early age that forced me to examine and think about something in a different light. I feel that she has taught me many things and she knows she has my respect for her inquiries.
2. Read, Read, Read to your child. Even after a crappy day, sitting together with a book for a while creates a neutral zone and place where the two (or more) of you can focus on something together. We started reading to our daughter literally the day she came home from the hospital and continued to do so until she was 11 or 12, at which point she chose to read to herself every night.
3. Limit TV. no more than an hour a day during the grade school years...and let them chose what age appropriate hour they will watch. My daughter hated this, but now, as a college student, admits that my admonitions that too much tv turns your brain into oatmeal were probably correct!

The results? My daughter is a very disciplined and studious university honors student who continues to enrich my life as hers expands into adulthood. She is respectful of everyone, confident, laughs easily, and all in all is a delightful person to know.

[Over40]

These are all very good suggestions!

[loril]

I think there is a lot of mainstream lifestyle stuff out there right now that is not positive for kids...especially very young children. In some cases, people have very little choice about these things, but in other areas they can take control.

TV: Just turn it off. Don't watch during the daytime when your kids are very young. Watch at night after they go to bed if you must. If you do not model TV, they will not get addicted. I never banned TV. I allow my child to watch approved shows. She does not see me watch, though. So, her own interest is minimal.

Food: Try to eat at home when you can. It is almost impossible to get a really healthy meal in a restaurant. The food is larded up with sugar and fat.

Constant activities: Tell yourself otherwise, but you are just offloading your kids on others under the guise of "rounding" the child. Kids need downtime. If you work all the time they already rarely see you and are rarely in their own homes. Give them a break and let them stay home and relax sometimes.

Staying up late. Little kids should be in bed by 9 PM (if not earlier) I can't tell you how many very young kids I see in restaurants or stores at 10PM...either catatonic or wailing miserably.

This means the adult has to limit his/her own lifestyle. But I think the positives for the child are worth it.

[MsDoc]

You are absolutely right on all counts.

[cinemaven]

I so agree with these... especially the constant activities comment.
I had friends actually tell me that I wasn't giving my sons the opportunities they needed because I didn't have them scheduled daily. My husband still has lasting health effects from a grueling hockey and soccer schedule when he was growing. His knees have needed two operations and it's attributed to youth sports. We decided our boys wouldn't be in organized sport until they were old enough to want it for themselves. Our oldest played basketball for 2 years when he was 14 and our youngest started fencing a few years ago (he's 16) and both chose to take music lessons but their week was pretty well wide open for just plain playing and relaxing.

My guys always had a concrete bedtime and they're voracious readers because my husband and I don't watch much television and I never had it on during the day when they were small. The onus really is on parents to model the behavior we want our kids to emulate.

[BannedInBoston]

Sarah Trillin
Says find your chillin
More likeable....

[cinemaven]

Parenting is difficult
It's easier to have no rules than to have consistent rules
It's easier to sit kids in front of a television and let it raise them
It's easier to send them to a different lesson every day of the week than to do the work yourself

I have friends who tell me how lucky I am to have such polite and well behaved sons but they seem not to realize that's not the way they came out of the box... we had to actually raise them that way.

My boys are as close to perfect as any kids I know. At 21 and 16, we've never had a day of trouble from them. They are smart, funny, kind, polite and rarely needed to be given a time out but when they were small, it took a huge commitment to be consistent and fair. We also both had to grow up when we had our kids and we had to be aware that everything we did influenced them. It's why we always ate our vegetables and it's why we don't have a TV in our bedroom... we don't ascribe to the "do as I say" school of parenting, we're more "do as I do" parents.

[Chaimirija]

amzing how the more work you put into something, the 'luckier' you are....

[HeresHoping]

My son was JUST AWFUL ages 12-13. Now 14, he's great. Sometimes it's just time.

[chickenpieeggs]

Believe or not this music has really helped my kids a lot!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo5cCmbnWTc

[SunshineDaydream]

do you know what would happen if she sat her 14 year old son down to watch that!?! lol