Sure, Punxsutawney Phil can predict the weather with a mind-blowing 39 percent accuracy rate, which, in human accuracy rates, is 273 percent. But did you know he can predict other things as well, just as accurately?

He can predict:

The number of presents you'll receive for Candlemas

A twenty-one year old ban against importing haggis to the United States will soon be lifted. In preparation for this, here are some tips on how to enjoy your haggis.

Run, don't walk, to your local Scottish restaurant. There's usually one on every corner, next to a...

"This is about the dismantling of this country," Katy Abram, 35, shouted at Mr. Specter, drawing one of the most prolonged rounds of applause. "We don't want this country to turn into Russia."

No, we don't want this country to turn into Russia. But the facts are alarming. Consider the...

When Kristen Stewart walks in, let's all work as a team to make everything as comfortable for her as possible. Make sure the cushions next to you are fluffed. We're going to play some soothing music, probably Enya. The lighting will be lowered and scented candles...

Radio host Michael Savage was recently banned in England. He's not the only one...

• People who touch the Queen before she's touched them. Just don't touch her, OK?
• People who don't like tea! Or crumpets or scones or blood pie! Blimey!
• The letter H.
• Bootblacks, Chimney Sweeps, Gov'nas....

As Susan Boyle's stardom catapults to unknown and unimaginable heights, here is what I fear for the future:

• The phrase, "He/She is no Susan Boyle" referring to the next unattractive person who competes on a reality show who doesn't have her talent.
• Alternately, the phrase,...

It is incredible how quickly we can forget our own history. We face the future with a blind certainty that we have learned from past mistakes, that they will never be committed again. And time and time again we are proved wrong. I'm talking, of course, about Michelle Obama touching...

As the number of mortgage applications jump this week, I'd like to take this opportunity to announce an incredible new product I've developed for new and future homeowners. They're called "mattresses," and they will revolutionize the way you live and save money.

Each mattress is machine crafted in the...

It's time. I'm not going to make this harder than it already is, so here it goes: I am a recipient of one of the AIG executive bonuses. My conscience has gotten the better of me and I think it's time to come clean and let the healing process begin....

Annie Leibovitz is pawning her photographs to help pay for her seventeen homes, so I'd like to take this opportunity to announce that I'll be selling five of my most prized original prints for one million dollars each.

Descriptions below:

Untitled #1 and #2 (2000): A fan...

As Star has reported John plans to propose on Feb. 11 -- Jen's 40th birthday. When John's friend asked if his girl will be wearing the ring, John laughed and replied, "There will be a big story coming out of the Oscars that night -- and it won't be about...

I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem at all, but we never hear that side of the story.

It's true. What about Frank, the surgeon, who...

I've worked at the SEC for years, and let me tell you, there was nothing suspicious about Bernard Madoff's actions. This has come as a complete shock to me and my colleagues. Madoff was a friend. He had this cute little nickname where he called himself "Ponzi," or, "The Ponz"...

It was 1987. I was an ambitious young reporter just out of college in Hong Kong writing a story for my local newspaper about the deadly martial arts tournament, Kumite. Van Damme was there researching for his movie, Blood Sport. However, Van Damme wasn't allowed to simply observe the Kumite,...

Make sure you have your correct polling place picked out. It's probably at a scary public school or creepy nursing home or a haunted Victorian insane asylum. Don't worry, the ghosts won't get you probably. Drink lots of beer to keep hydrated and warm in case you have to wait...

If what Sarah Palin's preacher said is true and we're all going to be headed to Alaska come Rapture time, which should be any second now, I want Alaska to be as nice as possible. Sure, it has plenty of open space and pristine wilderness and wildlife, but...

Hey, Racists! Let's make a deal. You can tell everyone that you voted for McCain and yell to whomever will listen that you will never/did not vote for a black man. But Racists, guess what? You're alone in that voting booth. No one will ever know. Vote for Obama, the...

Last night's debate confirmed that everyone in America is named Joe. As far as I can tell, there's Joe Biden of course, Joe Six Pack, the dude that Joe Biden hung out with in Home Depot named Joe and now Joe the Plumber. What were people thinking when they started...

Is McCain still old?

Is Obama still black?

Did Obama look at me personally, or was he looking at the camera?

Did McCain's left ear just fall off?

Did Obama just make a secret terrorist hand gesture that would signal his terrorist friends to hop in the Obama Time Machine...

I think John McCain should seek the Ark of the Covenant to propel him towards victory. When last we saw the Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark it was in Washington D.C. in a huge government storage unit in a wooden crate labeled "Top Secret" amongst thousands of wooden...