04/19/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Coming Clean

It's time. I'm not going to make this harder than it already is, so here it goes: I am a recipient of one of the AIG executive bonuses. My conscience has gotten the better of me and I think it's time to come clean and let the healing process begin.

First, let me say that I fully intend to return one hundred percent of part of my 6.4 million dollar bonus. I realize now that I would be a monster to accept all of it, so rest assured that I will not take more of your hard-earned money than I absolutely have to in order to sustain my modest lifestyle of international kite surfing and sampling endangered animal flesh.

I worked at AIG until last year when I left on my own accord to pursue my true passion of part-time blogging. However, my contract stipulated that I would receive my bonus this year, which couldn't have come at a better time, because have you SEEN what's going on with the economy lately? It's ridiculous! I know that technically I may have had a little to do with this economic snafu, but if you look at the percentages my bonus is something like the equivalent of half a cent in the grand scheme of the bailout, so maybe everyone should just cool off. My friend did that math for me, so sue me if it isn't correct. Just kidding! Don't sue me!

Anyway, I'm like, really sorry guys. And if it makes you feel any better, after I give back the full amount of a portion of my bonus I will totally leave the country so you don't have to deal with me again. I don't expect you to write, so I won't leave an address or anything. So, yeah. Sorry again and I hope others will have the courage that I have just demonstrated and reveal themselves as well. I already feel like a better person. Did I say feel? No. I am a better person.