Congratulations on Being Part of the Apocalypse!

09/16/2008 02:37 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

In the face of financial crisis, Sarah Palin, hurricanes and the possible plummeting into black-hole nothingness, oh, and war, I'd like to give everyone a hearty pat on the back. After years of hard work, we've done it! We are the lucky people who get to experience the Apocalypse! Those Bible-writing jerks only WISH they lived now. The Middle Ages losers couldn't hack it with their plagues and what not and the Cold War leaders didn't have the balls to pull the trigger. It's up to us, the people, the proletariat, to rise up and really end things. So, team, let's work together and bring this one home. Everyone can do their bit. For example, I'm going to start defecating in the street and drinking homemade gin to recreate the conditions of Gin Lane in London, circa 1750 to further spread disease, unemployment and general neglect. I've created my own mini super collider that I carry around in my pocket so tiny black holes follow me wherever I go. I've commissioned four horsemen to ride around New York in black cloaks that I hand stitched to instill a feeling of panic. Yes, I've gone above and beyond the call of duty (you're welcome), but if you ever want to scream, 'We're all going to die" in an old timey British accent or find no solace in Police Commissioner Gordon's monologue at the end of The Dark Knight or even Samwise Gamgee's words of hope in whichever Lord of the Rings movie in which he gives words of hope, oh, or Obama, that's a small start. Every bit helps. Together, we can do it.