The Briefing The MTV Movie Awards Audience Should Have Received Before Kristen Stewart's Arrival

When Kristen Stewart walks in, let's all work as a team to make everything as comfortable for her as possible. Make sure the cushions next to you are fluffed. We're going to play some soothing music, probably Enya. The lighting will be lowered and scented candles will be lit. No abrasive scents, maybe a nice lavender. Does anyone have a puppy on them? A sleeping puppy in her lap would have a great calming effect. Feed the puppy a quarter of a pill of Vicodin about half an hour before she enters to guarantee that it won't wake up in the middle of her visit and startle her. This goes without saying, but no sudden movements. Obviously no one look her directly in the eye. For the love of God do not ask her any questions. Just, don't speak or make any noises. Seriously, guys. Now everyone appear to be relaxed. If you are relaxed, she will relax. Thank you to everyone who wore muted earth tones. Please, if you're wearing loud colors, cover yourself up. Certainly no red. Take off your red. When she enters, pretend like you don't know who she is. Look away. If she addresses you directly, talk about other things and give her some chamomile tea, which an usher will discreetly hand to you. Do not mention vampires or books or British people. Cover up all BandAids. If she sees a BandAid she'll think of blood and then of vampires and then of Twilight and then FUCK we're all going to feel supremely awkward. Her awkwardness permeates a space and makes sufferers of acute second hand embarrassment feel it all the more violently. If, when she accepts an award, she begins to be awkward, or calls out her own awkwardness, or handles her award in an awkward manner, look away. Look at the sleeping puppy. We'll have our cameras cut to the sleeping puppy as well. So, basically, play it FUCKING COOL, guys! DO NOT FREAK OUT OR YOU'LL FREAK OUT KRISTEN STEWART AND EVERYTHING WILL JUST BE FUCKED, YOU HEAR ME??? OK. I think we're ready. Here she comes. Game faces, everyone.

Comments

[Fleudiddy]

01:27 PM on 06/02/2009

I don't know why we care about the MTV movie awards or Twilight. It became apparent to me while watching that if you had no idea what Twilight is it's because you pay bills. The same thing goes for the Hills, Paris Hilton BFF, My over priced sweet 16, etc.... As hard as it is for us that grew up with MTV, and remember the days of Martha Quinn, Downtown Julie Brown, Fab 5 Freddy, and actual music videos, we have out grown our childhood friend. So let the kids enjoy their MTV because those bills aren't gonna pay themselves.

[jerryjeff]

12:27 PM on 06/02/2009

Love your comment publishing courage.

[jeliz]

09:51 AM on 06/02/2009

She played Tim Robbin's daughter in Zathura. Pretty good mild scifi movie, especially for kids.

[samaire]

12:32 AM on 06/02/2009

she is the WORST actor, GMAB

[BikeFreak]

10:19 PM on 06/01/2009

I don't get it.

[RoadCrossingChicken]

07:45 PM on 06/03/2009

I don't either. That is probably for the best.

[Copeword]

08:46 PM on 06/01/2009

When she dropped her award, they should have played the music of keyboard cat.

[zoomama]

05:02 PM on 06/01/2009

So what? She dropped the award and stumbled on her acceptance speech. Ms. Walker, she's a 19-year-old kid standing in front of millions of people. People make mistakes. People screw up; her screw ups just happen to be caught on film or on camera, and media outlets like this one specialize in blowing them out of proportion. You should be thanking her, she gave you a headline, or rather, a half-hazardly written column about nothing particularly interesting. If it were me, I'd not only have dropped the award, I would have tripped going up the stairs.

[scorchedhottub]

08:45 AM on 06/02/2009

Uhm, it's haphazardly. Now you know.

[cmarmonhalm]

09:16 AM on 06/02/2009

Thanks grammar nazi.

[Holypat777]

02:09 PM on 06/01/2009

ALL award shows are awkward. I pitty anyone who has to be on any of them. Would any of you fair better if you were thrown in a worldwind of hype and egos?

[scorchedhottub]

08:46 AM on 06/02/2009

Uhm, it's whirlwind. Now you know.

[cmarmonhalm]

09:16 AM on 06/02/2009

Thanks grammar nazi.

[bunnyv]

01:46 PM on 06/01/2009

I thought it was cute the way she dropped the award and the way she handled it. She ironically wasn't as awkward as she normally is.

[Tekd]

11:14 PM on 06/04/2009

I thought it was pretty charming the way it all worked out. Even the crazy hair.

[ranchero42]

01:42 PM on 06/01/2009

High maintenance? Good move. Guys looooove that.

[Jenna Waterford]

11:18 PM on 06/01/2009

Yes, because I'm sure the beautiful, wealthy young star of a blockbuster film franchise is going to have to watch her behavior in order to snag herself a man.

[Olaugh]

08:07 AM on 06/02/2009

Or woman. Let's not be judgmental.

[jgstyle]

01:16 PM on 06/01/2009

Sarah, are you the secret agent from the TV show 'Chuck'?

[digital]

12:04 PM on 06/01/2009

She's so cool she wears black Chuck Taylor's to the awards!

[Palemoon]

03:42 PM on 06/01/2009

Good guess, but I suspect the real reason was because she's portraying Joan Jett (famous for her wearing of high top sneakers like Converse/Keds) in the upcoming motion picture about The Runaways.

[GOBLOX]

12:01 PM on 06/01/2009

What is twighlight? Rhetorical question, plz do not answer. thanx!

[MsLiz]

12:31 AM on 06/02/2009

Some kind of anesthesia.

[Mycorrhizae]

12:00 PM on 06/01/2009

I don't get it.

Who is Kristen Stewart, and more importantly, who watches MTV?

[nicholasfromWA]

07:24 PM on 06/01/2009

Ditto, er, echo....whatever.

[blindjester]

11:39 AM on 06/01/2009

I'm sure all the cool kids watched the MTV awards and know exactly what you're talking about. This is probably totally hilarious for them.

Don't bother giving the rest of us any context or a link or anything. I mean, that would be like enabling.

Thanks for the tough love.