My husband and I were having coffee on January first, having had our share of champagne, the night before, and I got a call from a client ...
After years as a single parent, she had met someone whom she loved. After years of rejecting relationships, she found someone who really valued her, who returned her love. The relationship was now three months old; my client felt happy, safe, fulfilled.
And what had happened moments before her call to me: Her supposed best friend, (my client had spent New Year's Eve with her and her husband the night before) called to tell her that her new love was "boring, unappealing," and some other mean, negative adjective I cannot recall.
I went into a private room and spoke with my client, and after hanging up my mind raced to parallel descriptions:
The "friend" who delighted in doing all she could to ruin an upcoming family
celebration for another with demands, put-downs, and ugly gossip.
The "friend" who delighted in finding a way to pick a fight when one was tired, overwhelmed, or
joyous and fulfilled.
The "friend" who took you out to dinner to celebrate a professional achievement
(yours) and told you that the place you worked was bound to close soon.
The "friend" who let you know of the large, wonderful celebration that did not include
you, although the host was a friend you treated very kindly.
The "friend" who did all possible to scare you to death during a crisis in your
family.
The subtle and not so subtle hurts, during times of joy, as well as times of sorrow. The salt in wounds when you are down. The list goes on and on.
What is going on here? Of course, the reasons behind such hurtful comments are complicated, and we all have to learn to let go of insensitive comments that are not intended to burn. And of course, it is always wise, in an important relationship, to share one's feelings and to discuss what, from your perspective, has gone badly off track. But when dealing with those motivated by nasty impulses, such behavior is rarely respected. It is usually seen as weakness; and even if there is a pretense to care, the ugly pattern of behavior will almost always predictably continue.
This said, a look at competitiveness can throw some light on unkind and ruthless behavior. Healthy competitiveness means that one works hard and does one's best in love, friendship and work to attain one's goals. Unhealthy competitiveness means that Ruthless Envy rules: One feels the need to win at all costs, and winning means to annihilate the other. Or to do them harm with as many digs and cuts as possible, some subtle, some not.
The culprits feeding the latter destructive (and sick) motivation are caused by the marriage of anger (born of emptiness, feeling completely "less than," and doing all one can to cover such impotent rage with charm and denial) and envy (the feeling that another has no right to joys and accomplishments as much as or more than your own).
In such behavior there is a link between the personal, the professional, the political. There really was a time that Congressional leaders (role models for us all!) could disagree on issues, but with determination to compromise for the greater good of the public. This is now history, as mean, ugly, destructive behavior prevails,
So here it is in a nut-shell: Mature people know how to work hard, but accept and learn to live with certain dreams that may never come true. With this mindset, they truly can love and care for others, be there in their sorrows, and rejoice in their accomplishments. The greater good of all is their motivating force. And these are the only people one can successfully build with.
Others must be carefully and precisely buffered (if you must deal with them), but still left way, way behind in their degree of importance. A good way to do this is to visualize them in the way they deserve to be seen, as "dust," and deal with them in the only way they deserve -- as "dust friends." In this process a possible political reality is apt metaphor: vote them out of office.
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Jealousy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Romantic Jealousy | Psychology Today
As SaraKay says, facing it in yourself and others is the only way to overcome its destructive impact.
I recall times when people described other people, things, or ideas with that bitter sauce of ridicule applied - it clouds the ability to honestly consider the situation, and the effect can last for years.
While envy is as much as anything an emotional response, ridicule seems to be a cognitive response - and as such, more easily controlled. I do my best to avoid it, and it makes me wince when I hear it expressed by others.
Your point is an excellent one! I look at Ridicule as the NastyOutgrowth of Envy, and I agree: While envy often lies beneath the surface, depriving one of strength and creativity, nasty statements, often disguised as jokes, are thought produced expressions Those threatened by the accomplishments and successes of others can find ways to demean in myriad ways, and claim they are only joking (Teasing, like tickling is mean, but this is for another post)...... And as we all know, Ridicule can attract followers, and make the lives of the sensitive exceedingly painful. I work with many, from teenage years up (I do not work with children in my practice, but of course this applies to them also) who completely withdraw, feeling crippled by shame, when they feel humiliated by Ridicule. They become fearful of hard work and success, of putting themselves out there, as they see pain as coming with it. But with some work, they recover and learn to distance and buffer themselves from those who conduct their lives to shame others. And to keep on living well and productively. Your post points to an important reality: Success does breed Envy, and its nasty offshoots, attempts to Ridicule, Humiliate, Shame, and organize Group Rejection by those who feel that this outlet is their only strength. And for these sad folks: Living Well and Productively is the Surest Revenge! Thanks so much for writing!
That said, I honestly can't remember the last time I felt "envious" of anyone. I don't have the nicest house, car, perfect body, a lot of money, but I'm healthy I have a husband who I love, who loves me, we treat each other with respect and we trust each other. I have a good job and a close family. What more could I want? No one has everything.
Your contentment is lovely, and you surely know what is important and that you are blessed. The most important choice one has in life is who you are going to spend it with. A beloved and trusted partner and a caring family are the most precious of all gifts. Thank you so much for writing. Glad you like this blog and the conversations. I have enjoyed the sharing with those who have written very much. You all have contributed to a wonderful beginning of 2010. Thank you.
My wishes for continued blessings for you and yours,
SaraKay
This is a PS: Doing the dinner dishes, I realized that I did not respond to your male vs. female comment in the Envy-Malicious Department. I have seen some men do some cruel, ugly and devious things in their pursuit of what they want: I have seen it both in how they compete professionally and how they attract women.....So I do not see that men are more decent competitors. (As an example, look at Congress. And we are warned that the upcoming election will be a very ugly one!) Perhaps some of us see men as fairer competitors because women can sometimes seem so unkind to each other, and, as women, we are more aware of it. I'd love to know how others feel about this.
To be continued,
SaraKay
The other thing that came to mind was young girls - pre-teens and teens, and how mean they are to other girls in school. Emotionaly cruelty seems more prevalent in younger girls than in younger boys. Whereas boys just try and beat each other up (not that that's okay either!). The emotional scars inflicted on girls/women tend to last longer and have a more negative effect on future self-image as well.
Thank you for sharing this betrayal with us. I am sure you have learned a great deal from it. It is very wise in work settings to work hard and honorably with others. Sometimes deep and trusting friendships that last through a lifetime can be forged, but one must be cautious. Trusting friendships take a long time to build, and they are best built in one's personal world.......and even then, as we all know, one can be bitterly disappointed. But at least, personal disappointments do not spill directly into one's workplace, where success and survival allow one to care for oneself and a family.
Like you, I've known people were quite friendly until I came to be perceived as a "threat." I guess this has made me somewhat guarded and more reluctant to reveal plans, goals and aspirations to certain others whom I may not know as well as I think I do.
I'd like to share some food for thought:
I got a call from a former client who read this blog and conversation between us and reminded me that I had once suggested a talk with a friend who was consistently not treating her respectfully, followed by an "Intermission," if the conversation was nonproductive and my client's feelings fell on deaf ears. Well, this friendship took an Intermission, one initiated by my client. Two months later she heard from her friend, who had thought about what she had said, and believed she had learned something from these thoughts. The relationship resumed, to the joy of both, and has been mutually rewarding and satisfying ever since...........
Your words are very important. Thank you for your honesty. It sounds like you feel like you are on a string, with no control or ease in this relationship and far more pain that pleasure. If this is a relationship where talking about your feelings can be helpful, perhaps you will want to try. But as said, with people who thrive on hurting others, such conversations are almost always a waste of precious time and energy. Letting go will have some regret, but also great relief........It will also do a lot for your self-esteem. I wish you so very well. If you can, let me know what you decide and its aftermath.
Wishes for a very good year,
SaraKay
What an honest comment!! Here is the truth: We never know what one's total life encompasses, what anyone else has and deals with, regardless of appearances.....We only know what we think we see, which is never the whole picture. But the one person we can really know and take responsibility for is ourselves. As long as we know how to be a friend and loved one, and work hard at whatever is important to us, doing our very best, we will keep growing, and can never, ever be left behind...
Thank you so much for your important sharing!
SaraKay
But I think one can expand it to broader social/cultural spheres, as well, particularly in affluent nations and in America. We're inundated with advertisements for the products which the happiest people wouldn't live without, shows featuring the real-live-rich-people who possess things we want, too. We're taught to envy, and correlatively, to consume.
Historically it's true too - part of the European fantasy of America was the oft-written insistence that in the new continent, a common man might finally reach the fortunes of the aristocratic class. It's built a vocabulary of entitlement, "why should they get it and not I?", and of course genocide and devastation ensued.
I suppose, if I can go all philosophical here, we have to find a point in which we can say, "enough." We have so, so much, and there must come a point at which we can simply be grateful for what ever things, as well as intangibles, we have.
I hear you clearly, and so agree. Steering away from "bubble bursters" and kickers and knifers is very, very wise!! In the January issue of the International Journal of Group Psychotherapy, I have an article that discusses five patterns of behavior in a home that lead to the kind of behaviors in all spheres of life that are cruel and unkind, as well as dangerous. Without intervention, as generations pass, these patterns of behavior can lead to physical and sexual abuse and violence, and of course, are very usually part of such abuse. (This journal is the peer reviewed journal of the American Group Psychotherapy Association. My article is called "The Codification and Treatment of Emotional Abuse in Group Therapy.") The patterns of behavior are: Rage, Enmeshment (where kids are taught to trust no one who is not a blood relative, and families are one big blob), Rejection/Abandonment, Severe Neglect, Extreme Overprotection and Overindulgence. The right atmosphere in homes, schools, and all community settings is essential to curbing the malignant epidemic of emotional abuse. It sadly and dangerously exists and flourishes in our personal/work/ and political environments And it leads to the kind of Lethal Envy that you describe.
Thanks.
A therapist once described this person as someone who feels fraudulent due to the amount of attention given to him as a child.
He feels unworthy of it, but afraid to let go of being top dog, so he continues in his destructive ways.
I keep my distance as best I can. It's the only way to preserve my sanity.
Lots of interesting ideas to think about in your post. I have seen men do some pretty miserable things in the "competition" department, when they fear the intelligence and competency of another......And yes, some women fear working toward excellence (in all endeavors, except beauty), thinking it will make them seem unfeminine. How very, very self defeating. (For it goes without saying that learning all we can brings inner beauty, confidence and style, which grows and radiates as time passes.) All parents should work very hard to rid our daughters of the fear of excelling, and all parents can do a great deal for all of our futures by encouraging healthy competition in all of our children.
Thank you for your comments. I so agree that women should help, support, and mentor each other. And yes, it can sting so when someone you value tries to diminish your joy! Women have been hurt greatly by those who brand hard work as unfeminine. But healthy competition, doing your best without demeaning others, with a determination to grow and learn and contribute throughout one's life contributes to the success of all that one involves oneself in. It seems from what you say that this attitude is the life force of your magazaine. I will find it........
Thank you,
SaraKay