Resilience: Elizabeth Claims John Eternally Hers

I am hearing the same questions daily from friends and clients: "What was Elizabeth Edwards thinking when she penned her latest book, Resilience, where she discussed her husband's infidelity and her reaction when she first learned about it: scream, cry, throw up. How could she leave such a legacy to her children? What was she thinking?"

But Elizabeth Edward's motivation in writing was to escape the pain of thinking. She did not want to think about a child said to closely resemble her husband, born to another woman, with whom he clearly had a relationship, one that has led to a federal investigation into monies given to her. Instead, Mrs. Edwards wrote to cope, to justify, to protect, to keep her hard earned family together. And also to deny.

Resilience is being marketed as a book to help those facing life's "burdens" and "adversities" and will no doubt sell very well. It advises those facing turmoil to not cling to lost dreams, to live in the present, to create a "new reality." Mrs. Edwards encourages viewing the entire frame of a life, not just a bitter betrayal. Though angry at her husband, she believes that together they are at work on their new reality.

It is important to look closely at Elizabeth Edward's actual reality, not merely her new one. An appealing and articulate woman, who merited her own "Elizabeth Edwards for President" campaign buttons during her husband's Presidential candidacy, Mrs. Edwards does not have the luxury of looking too hard or thinking too much. Her burden is not merely infidelity. She has terminal cancer and three children who need a father and an intact family.

To cope, endure and protect, Elizabeth Edwards skirts around her charming husband's character issues, minimizing his grave ethical limitations and how easily he lies, distorts and manipulates. John Edwards told his wife about a one time involvement with another woman two days after declaring his run for Presidency. He would not heed her counsel to drop out of the race to protect their family. Soon after they learned that her cancer had returned. Soon after that she learned that her husband's involvement with another woman was far more involved than a one night stand. She chooses, however, to see this as not part of her life. To her, Edwards is a good man who has done a bad thing, a man who despite an "awful error in judgment," did not leave the race for president because he wanted to "hold on to our lives."

Clearly to achieve this perspective and maintain it, Elizabeth Edwards needed an outlet for her rage. Her verbal flames are directed toward women with idle time who hang out in fancy hotels trying to take and destroy another woman's hard built life rather than work to make their own. According to Mrs. Edwards, Rielle Hunter (whose name is not mentioned in her book) semi-stalked her husband, calling him "hot." According to her, she and women like her are the true culprits.

Though Elizabeth Edwards claims that John does not know why Hunter attracted him, he is, of course, also responsible for their relationship. Though Rielle Hunter does not seem to be a sweetheart, what is really going on here? Marital humiliation is nothing new in the political world and in far less public ones. Yet, how could and why does a man who consistently professes love, adoration and devotion to his wife, even to the extent of a 30 year marital vow renewal in 2007, perhaps as an affair continued, make such seemingly baffling statements and choices.

Every marriage is unique, but one marital pattern that John Edwards lived consistently almost always spells big trouble. When a man marries, needing a woman to be at his side constantly, glued hip to hip, for him to pursue and attain his ambition, he will usually hurt her in myriad ways, public and private. For he resents this dependency, and yet believes he cannot live without it. In these marriages, both one night stands and affairs are common. This enmeshment is far different than an interdependence where there is devotion and availability, but each member can work and achieve without being continuously hip to hip. Further, passion in such unions, if it was ever there, burns out quickly. And physical intimacy can become forced and incomplete. Such men frequently have a secret life, as well as periods of private emotional isolation, and their partners often compensate by finding comfort elsewhere, often in eating patterns that become unmanageable.

It is common for women who love too much to have seen their mothers suffer in poor marriages, as was the case with Elizabeth Edwards, who asked for only one marital gift, fidelity. They see adult men as dangerous, and they are attracted to what feels like the safety of being needed by a man who primarily wants nurturing and protection and therefore will never abandon them. Women attracted to these unions are ever making excuses for their husbands, and in order not to lose them, work harder and harder to be indispensable, thus, without ever meaning to or realizing it, tightening reigns that are already choking.

I have seen introspection lead to self awareness and growth in such marriages, but frequently one partner leaves, seeing that trust is forever eroded. In reality, Elizabeth Edwards does not have one iota of freedom to even think seriously about the second option. She loves her children too much; she is too vulnerable.

And so she has written Resilience, which as its core does what she has ever done: protects her husband as well as makes excuses for him, and at the same time claim him eternally hers. Perhaps a healthier Elizabeth Edwards would have in time said to her rival: "You want the bastard. Take him. He's all yours." Instead, her Resilience is a determination to resurrect her shamed husband, as well as curse and blame her unnamed contender til the end of time.

Comments

[Cherubim]

It does not seem that anyone who made comments here
actually read the Elizabeth Edwards' book Resilience.

[JoannaCVP]

Without her illness to consider, I've always said he needs her so much more than she needs him! I do think the remark that she made about feeling sorry for him indicates that she knows that. Getting a has-been groupie pregnant, like some ghetto rapper, when you have a shot at being President shows a major self-destructive streak, doesn't it?
Loving a "charmer" is complicated. If you're stuck with one, think Jacqueline Kennedy. It's not about you. It's not exactly about Rielle, either. List the top ten professions of under-educated single moms, so many of whom have names that end in "elle" or "ette" and you've found potential "attractees". It's about impressing someone who "needs" him much more than he needs them. Once he realizes that they do actually "need" him, and want him to "be" with them, the "attraction" fades very quickly! He loves you and wants the life he has with you, he just can't appreciate it because there's something about it he knows he doesn't deserve. THAT'S about his mom or his dad, or something else you can't fix. Do a Kathy Lee Gifford. Love him anyway, just love yourself more, and "leave him alone and he'll come home, wagging his tail behind him." I give the writer who got out of the situation when she was young a lot of credit, but totally understand why Elizabeth has "been lovin him a little too long to stop now..."

[SaraKay Smullens - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear J. Nelson,
You are such a thoughtful observer, and I can see that you look into things deeply and face realiities bravely. I do not know Elizabeth or John Edwards. But I have worked as a clinical social worker and psychotherapist over 30 years. The patterns their relationship shows are sadly common. Far too many couples live in the combined state of parent/child: denial marriages. In other words: one "parent " mothers and controls, and if her "child" misbehaves, she defends and demeans him at the same time, but always puts the blame elsewhere, such as "the other woman." This is clearly the case with "Resilience." Mrs. Edwards scolds her husband, and at the same time ties him to her, claiming that he was taken advantage of by a homewrecker. What complicates this situation is that Mrs. Edwards is ill. Her patterns of protecting herself from seeing are as they ever have been only moreso, and a child fathered by her husband is something that she just most likely does not have the strength to see. However, the choice may no longer be hers. This is surely a sad situation for all.
SaraKay

[JNelson113]

Sara, I enjoyed your article and think you are right in many of your points.

I do have one question. Why do you believe no one in the media is questioning Elizabeth as to why she and John Edwards are not pursuing a paternity test in regards to Rielle Hunter's baby? Considering the baby looks just like John, and he has to know that he is the father, how is it morally acceptable for Frances not to receive active support, both financial and emotional, from John? If it were my husband in this situation I would insist that he take the test and if the child is his become an active parent, whatever my pain in that situation. The wellbeing of innocent children must be put before the feelings of adults.

I just don't get Elizabeth's attitude of complete disregard for the welfare of this innocent baby that is highly likely the half sister of her own children. I wish someone in the media would call her on it. I do not think ignoring this child and leaving her to grow up the fatherless is in any way a morally right approach. In fact, I find it disgusting and it has reduced my respect for Elizabeth.

I have no judgment on whether Elizabeth chooses to stay with John but they must resolve this paternity issue and do the right thing by this child.

[SaraKay Smullens - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Muriel,
Most importantly, I congratulate you for your courage and determination. I admire it so! Years of listening to people about the pain in their lives, and an examination of my own life, show me that there are patterns of behavior to avoid. This is what I tried to explain in this post. For not all men lie and cheat and hurt the women who love them. Your life is testimony to that.
All best,
SaraKay

[Muriel Schnierow]

Having experienced an exact replica of the Edwards story at the age of 28 i took a different road- I did say "you want her you have her",told him tio leave, and returned to my home city to struggle financially, raise crying children, make lemonade out of lemons, and have fun. I never looked back unless i had to. So while they were building empires,mansions, lots of stuff i dont know about, i was studying music, building a career, remarrying( great guy and a terrific husband) ,going to the Symphony, playing golf,swimming,
gardening ,traveling, and i didnt and dont miss much.I was never complimented for that choice, was severely criticized by everyone that knew, fended that off, and honestly i cant see the psychobabble explanations.These men cheat because they cheat. they lie because they lie, they father babies because they dont think of consequences ,are impulsive ,and very selfish. Society enables them by blaming women who stay and women who like me leave. When i do something i have a gut level intuition and a reason. If the culture were less critical of women and more supportive of them and admitted that we live in a Patriarchal Warrior Society we could lower the emotional abuse of infidelity, the emotional abuse of divorce poverty, and maybe even stop the physical abuse of Women and Children. Want to join me?/i have a website-ci­tizensreso­urceforwom­enandchild­ren.com. i am proud of the wonderful fathers and mothers i have known ..

[SaraKay Smullens - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi 1512,
You seem to really understand the heart of my writing. I do appreciate the time you bring to my thoughts.
Thank you,
SaraKay

[SaraKay Smullens - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for your input Mark. Your plan has so much validity! In your practice, what percentage of your clients are able to stick with your approach following a grave hurt? Do you know how they are a year from seeing them? In your gut do you think that John Edwards is a guy who is practicing the 4 R's? Would love to know.

[Mark Goulston, M.D. - Huffpost Blogger]

There is a road back, but it takes practicing the 4 R’s to respond to the 4 H’s you triggered in the other person by betraying their trust.

The 4 H’s and the 4 R’s:

1. To ease the HURT you need to demonstrate REMORSE to show that you know you damaged something in them, by looking them directly in the eye and admitting you’re truly sorry, with no excuses (this is the stumbling block for very
narcissistic people and something Bill Clinton had trouble with during the Monica situation)

2. To respond to the HATE you need to show RESTITUTION and offer a payback for what you took away from them by giving up something that matters to you or letting them verbally punch themselves out at you for making them feel crazy
while you lied to them

3. To lower their HESITATION TO TRUST you need to REHABILITATE yourself to let them see a new way of dealing with those situations that caused you to stray and that you actually prefer to your old destructive behavior

4. To get them to stop HOLDING ONTO A GRUDGE, you need to REQUEST FORGIVENESS after practicing those 3 R’s for a minimum of 6 months so they can become a part of your personality

If the other person is still unable to forgive you after that, you are no longer unforgivable (if you haven’t gone beyond betrayal into abuse), they are unforgiving.

[N1512]

SaraKay explains the underpinings of Elizabeth Edward"s real life resilience. Her marriage to John Edwards seems to be a one way street of her constantly giving and supporting him, no matter what. That is her true resilience in the face of his shameful betrayal. Her book "Resilience" will continue to give to him beyond her illness.

[SaraKay Smullens - Huffpost Blogger]

She has surely done all in her power to do this. John picked a very smart, savvy wife, and his rise in wealth and prominence is every bit a joint accomplishment. I hope Elizabeth Edwards lives a very long time and can continue to build memories and confidence in all three of her children through many more chapters.

[374662]

Elizabeth Edwards also made sure Hunter will NEVER be around her children. Good for her!