07/24/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Civil Liberties Group Wants Right to Burn Books

Everyone knows that Christians have a long, shameful history of being oppressed and persecuted in America. Fortunately, some folks finally got together and formed the Christian Civil Liberties Union (CCLU) to protect the threatened rights of the majority. And nothing screams "civil liberties" like the group's latest mission: to burn a public library book.

The Milwaukee branch of the CCLU has filed a legal claim against the West Bend Library for carrying offensive material, specifically the book Baby Be-Bop, a whimsical coming-of-age tale about a gay youth. The group's demands: $30,000 per plaintiff, the resignation of West Bend's Mayor, and the right to publicly burn the book "as a deterrent for repeating the offensive conduct."

The plaintiffs (four senior citizens) allege that their "emotional health" was the existence of fiction written for teenagers. Robert Braun, 74, one plaintiff and the CCLU's fearless leader, did mention that if burning was not an option, he would totally settle for burying, ripping, or shredding the book. Anything to dramatically symbolize intolerance for access to literature!

This ordeal is either an example of pure bigotry, or of cranky, deteriorating elderly people trying to kill time before getting beamed up to Heaven. (A place reserved for Church-going heterosexuals who never use profanity. And this gentleman). Unfortunately for the CCLU, Baby Be-Bop may be just the tip of the iceberg. Our library shelves are virtually littered with shameless expressions of sin. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, for example, encourages gluttony. Christians, light your torches!

Perhaps there is a better solution to this grave moral dilemma. Braun can simply go to his local bookstore, purchase his own copy of the novel, throw it into his personal Bonfire of Freedom, and watch the flames dance while seething with resentment for our scary changing world. What he and his fellow irate advocates of religious-based censorship can't do is smear their sad little hands all over things that don't belong to them. Like the phrase "civil liberties."

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