The Good, The Bad and Bumping Uglys -- Some Thoughts on Masturbation and The Good Book: Part I

One night, when I was ten years old, my father abruptly announced that we would begin a weekly Bible study, just the two of us. "Every Tuesday night," he said -- the study lasted for three weeks. The first two Tuesdays were simply a setup, warming up for Tuesday number three -- the talk. Only this wasn't your standard "where babies come from" spiel. No, this was the whole ugly shebang.

We sat down on our sweating and plastic covered couch, my mother in the kitchen slowly doing dishes, and we talked about God's view of sex. We read the Bible together, and we read from a suggestively pink hardcover Christian publication written specifically for young Christians. A kind of hot pink handbook for kids called Your Youth -- Getting the Best Out of It! I can still see my father, sitting awkwardly in his tight brown slacks hugging his middle-aged scrotum way too closely, threads wearing thin (and why does he sit with his legs spread so wide, even now? my wife has actually asked me this), a clown-sized paisley tie hanging heavy from his white and blushing, freshly shaved neck.

My father opened up the book to a chapter entitled "Masturbation and Homosexuality," and we began an extraordinarily stilted conversation about the dangers and sinful nature of "self-abuse" and of touching other boys.

There are many, many things wrong with this picture. Even as a ten-year old I was baffled -- does God have sex? If not, then what on earth does He know about it? And as far as "self-abuse" is concerned, let's just say the name does not quite fit the game. Not to mention, why on earth is this man talking to me about touching other boys? Has he not seen how nervous, how restless I get when The Facts of Life comes on? Does he know something I don't? And of course there is the conspicuous coupling of the two topics: masturbation and homosexuality, as if one is somehow dependent on the other, that both are equally "sinful" simply because they're not boy/girl. Very silly.

I would actually be willing to bet that for most Christians males masturbation is considered a more sinful act (though they would not likely admit this) than female masturbation because it's somehow "gayer" (I could go on for pages writing on the colossal misreadings, misapplications and misappropriations of Biblical text regarding homosexuality... but let's save that for another day).

Anyway, perhaps nothing, amid the entire scene, may have been so bizarre as my father's choice to illustrate our inaugural discussion of the-birds-and-the-bees with cartoon fish.

Let me explain.

In the back inside cover of the pink book, my father, with a pencil, drew two fish in profile. One behind the other, as if two cars in traffic on a one lane road. Each had an exaggerated smile and tiny circles for eyes. One fish, according to my father, would have a hole. This was apparently the girl-fish, and my father proceeded to draw a small dark hole just beneath the girl-fish's back triangular fin. The boy-fish, however, was quite different, and was entirely unlike any fish that I've seen since. Let us say he was blessed, because from beneath his back fin hung a penis that any horse would envy (at least when considering scale). Yes, from the back of the boy-fish hung a long tubular and erect penis, with what would be softball-sized testicles to match. And I imagine that if this were indeed the state of these two fish, Mrs. Fish would be swimming away for her life.

To really appreciate the gross irony, please understand that I think of my father's drawing whenever I find myself behind a car bumper bearing the Christian symbol of Ichthys -- the Jesus Fish.

All of which is to say -- masturbation is bad, bad, bad. And God says so.

I recently read Norman Mailer's The Spooky Art, which, perhaps due to his recent passing, still reverberates and sneaks its way into my consciousness with unexpected resonance. And as is usually the case when reading Mailer, I was at times filled with envy, admiration and awe. At other times, I scratched my head like what the hell is wrong with this man. Regardless, it's an absolutely engrossing collection of essays on the life of a writer. I bring this up because under the sub heading of "Part Two: Psychology," Mailer entitles a chapter "Gender, Narcissism and Masturbation." If you're already familiar with Mailer and his singular and strangely homophobic take on human sexuality, forgive the repetition, but Mr. Mailer does not like masturbation. "It's a miserable act," Mailer says, using language that closely approaches a form of religiosity.

For Mailer, God is an existential God and an artisan, though a far from perfect one. He is, like the human, not entirely good. Nevertheless, we are His ever-protean and greatest work. In fact, God is a lot like Mailer, which sounds like just another cheap shot at his once seemingly bulletproof ego, but it certainly is not intended that way. In Mailer's theology there is no heaven, but there certainly is a God and there certainly is a Devil. And we humans make for a problematic, but intrinsic third in Mailers' trinity. We three are interdependent in that fight between The Good and The Bad. And, contrary to popular belief, and despite Mailer's affinity for reincarnation, this is not necessarily an eternal fight. More, there's no guarantee that, in the end, The Good will win.

And why should there be if the fight is a fair one?

But what interests me here is what all of this, his particular sense of theology, of the life, the universe, and everything has to do with touching one's own privates. My guess is that if we humans somewhat constitute God by our very existence then God, in turn, is dependent on our very existence, and therefore dependent on procreation. So when God says "Be fruitful and multiply," in Genesis, He isn't kidding. His job depends on it. Masturbation, however, is an isolated act, one that fails to reproduce.

It is a potentially creative act that fails to create.

So for Mailer (as far as I can tell) masturbation is bad, bad, bad, because masturbation fails to create God.

So here we have two men, my father and Norman Mailer, and both claim that the M-word is abhorrent. Of course, it would make good sense if the reader now begins to question my pointed interest in the topic at hand (ha!) -- especially after considering the writer's likely location, sitting in a small room, alone in front of a computer.... --My wife is only steps away, in the living room watching a reality TV marathon, I swear. What I am getting at: my father's position on masturbation is relatively understandable. It's symptomatic of his position on what's Right and what's Wrong. There is a clear, definable and Biblical line, regardless of that line's legitimacy (As an atheistic agnostic and a lover of the Bible as literature, I find that line fascinating but wholly illegitimate). Mailer on the other hand (ha, again!), somewhat troubles me.

As much as I can enjoy Mailer's fantastical rendition of the cosmos, there is the Good and Bad question. Who decides which is which? And as one might easily tell from his work, Mailer is perhaps equally interested in Black and White as he is in the many shades of gray. Yet masturbation seems a clearly gray, if not trivial, moral question.

So this began for me a brief but rather unsettling meditation on morality, with wanking as a lens. The next post will primarily focus on the Biblical origins of masturbation, or onanism is it has been called. And where better to begin than in the beginning, Genesis, and the brief, but no less influential story of Onan -- claimed by some to be history's most notorious wanker. Until then...

Comments

[Counterglow]

Dear Mr. Cheshire:

If I die in a car accident I am going to hold you personally responsible. It will almost certainly be because the next time I see one of those "Jesus Fish" on the back of some beat-up old clunker, I won't be able to keep myself from picturing it with a honking great tallywhacker thrusting boldly from its nether regions.

I'll wind up laughing hysterically, endangering myself and just about everybody else on the road...except, ironically, the owner of the effing fish, who will blithely go about his business, unaware that he's the ultimate cause of the 60-vehicle pile-up that started one car back of him.

[NYCBear]

As my favorite psychology professor pointed out long ago, when you look at the percentage of the population who masturbate, masturbation is statistically normal sex, and all other forms of sex are deviant.

One of the reasons the devotedly religious hate the mechanisms of evolution is that it's clear that clitorises and penises and some other body parts evolved to give us stunning, immediate pleasure. Our ancestors didn't have to understand HOW babies get started; babies just happen as a side effect of people in a group having a wide variety of sex, as long as some of it is heterosexual and involves penises and vaginas. Or if some of it involves one person having oral sex with a man and then with a woman, one after the other - biology is biology after all, and just one passionate oral sex devotee could keep a whole hunter-gatherer group in babies for years.

So when fundies of various kinds start to understand the rudiments of evolution, and the implications, they quickly say "Ooops! I don't want to believe that! Sex isn't supposed to just be fun! It's supposed to be about babies! And the Missionary Position! Look away, look away, don't pay any attention to the evolutionary forces behind that curtain!" Note the exclamation points - they get very worked up about this.

I don't know any woman who gets erotically charged by imagining an 8 pound baby shoving it's way through her vagina, or any man who gets turned on by the thought of cleaning up baby poop at 3 am. Parenthood may be rewarding, but it's not erotic.

Not even evangelical preachers have those fantasies when they masturbate.

[Scarabus]

Have you read The Naked and the Dead? And contemplated Mailer's aggressive pugnaciousness? And contemplated his having been married six times?

Yeah, cheap shots, I know.

But I wonder whether he and Philip Roth, author of Portnoy's Complaint, ever discussed masturbation. If so, and literary historian would love to have been an inconspicuous fly on the wall, making notes!

[SILVANUS]

Consciousness merely appears, and it is a fraud.

[cranecat]

There is actuall NOTHING in the bible about masturbation. People assume the story of Onan is about masturbation when it is actually about greed. Onan is ordered to get his widowed sister-in-law preganent, so that she can have a son and stay with the family. If she has no children she would be returned to her parents, and Onan's family would loose a valuable worker. If she has a son, her son would inherit his dead father's share of the family property. Onan could have said "no", I won't let her have a son and I'll just keep my brother's share of the inheritance. But instead he has sex and withdraws, so she won't get preganent. So he's cheating - he's having sex, but without the danger that he will eventually have to give up his brothers share of his parent's property to his son/nephew. He's trying to have it both ways - sex AND money - so god kills him. His sister in law eventually has to trick her father-in-law into getting her pregenant so she won't be cheated out of a share of the estate.

[sscheshire]

Cheers to you, Cranecat!

The scripture often referred to regarding masturbation is not only ambiguous but downright misrepresented (not to mention, regardless of any reading of the verse it has no authority or relevance because it's a fiction...). Hopefully you'll enjoy the next post (which I am now in the process of writing) which will address this very issue.

[Riverwolf]

Funny post--especially about the fish. As far as masturbation goes, it strikes me as odd that so many have to draw lines and make distinctions. We are sexual creatures--some procreate, fortunately, and others do not. Sometimes we masturbate when sex is not readily available but we're still in the mood. I don't think the human race is in any danger of dying out because of masturbation. Also, some primates masturbate, and who hasn't seen their dog humping someone's leg? Evil, sinful dog! You are not obeying the Lord's command!

Looking forward to the next installment!

[Phaedrusnyc]

My co-workers just looked at me oddly because I laughed out loud at your description of your father's fish. Excellent blog, and oddly thoughtful.

[cinemaven]

I had my hubby show our sons the passage in the book You, the Owners Manual which explains that masturbation lowers the risk of prostate cancer. The book also gives a number which claims to be the "normal" frequency a male masturbates. It's a nice high number which will not make my guys feel any guilt and we liked that.

I was taught that even during bathing, I shouldn't let my hand touch my girlie bits... that's what wash cloths were for. I'd hate for my kids to grow up feeling guilty about something normal and natural.

When it comes to homosexuality, we're lucky to have a wonderful and close family member who is gay. Our guys love him and know that we love him so if they had been gay, I'd hope that would have shown them that we would be supportive. Sadly, neither of them were born that way so I'll end up with daughter-in-laws instead of son-in-laws.

[Pandu]

Although I was raised Catholic, I didn’t buy the dogma for long, and I gradually turned to yoga to find out for my self what is true. Many people are doing that today, but most are being cheated. Anyone who is interested enough in yoga to look beyond the popular rip-off yoga classes and try to find what is authentic, will learn that there are essential rules that make the practice effective. One of these is called brahmacarya, and it means conservation of energy, especially by celibacy. There is no yoga without celibacy.

The medical system that goes with yoga is called Ayurved, the science of life. Studying Ayurved, one learns that semen that is retained in the body sublimates to a substance called ‘ojas,’ which is highly nourishing to the brain. It makes the intelligence sharp and gives a glow to the face. When this is wasted, the yoga practice does almost nothing.

Krishna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead, is also the supreme master of all yoga. He summarizes the hatha-raja yoga process in Bhagvad-gita 6.13-14, “One should hold one’s body, neck and head erect in a straight line and stare steadily at the tip of the nose. Thus with an unagitated, subdued mind, devoid of fear, completely free from sex life, one should meditate upon Me within the heart and make Me the ultimate goal of life.”

“Completely free from sex life,” He says. The Vedas give an analogy to explain the effect of a man wasting his semen. A camel eats thorny bushes, and which cut the camel’s mouth. The camel’s blood mixes with the thorns and gives the camel a taste he enjoys. The source of this flavor is the loss of the camel’s own vitality, which he takes as enjoyment. The pleasure of orgasm is exactly like that, and is therefore contraindicated in spiritual life. Sacrificing sex life with the goal of pleasing God is far more satisfying than any orgasm.

[Phaedrusnyc]

If there is no yoga without celibacy, how do the practitioners ever expect to make more little yogis? In this miserable world, you take away sex, with women, with men, with yourself, whatever- and all you're doing is increasing misery. You can't possibly believe that people with healthy, loving, or just plain enjoyable sex in their lives are "less vital" than the celibates who don't. When was the last time you saw a nun with a spring in her step? Just because Hinduism is slightly more positive about the interrelation of people than Christianity doesn't mean it isn't just another attempt to restrict people in an authoritarian way.

[NYCBear]

"The medical system that goes with yoga is called Ayurved, the science of life. Studying Ayurved, one learns that semen that is retained in the body sublimates to a substance called "ojas," which is highly nourishing to the brain. It makes the intelligence sharp and gives a glow to the face."

It's too bad you didn't bother to learn what is actually known about semen, ejaculation and the effects of abstaining from ejaculation in real human bodies (as opposed to mystical imaginary bodies). I'm sure the writers of your faith had what they thought were good reasons for making up such a story, but no human body functions like that. The science of life is biology, not mystic revelation.

[JohnFromCensornati]

"I could go on for pages writing on the colossal misreadings, misapplications and misappropriations of Biblical text regarding homosexuality... but let's save that for another day"

How about let's not save that for another day, OK?
Who the hell cares what it says in the "good book"?
It's a fairy tale.
A contradictory, nonsensical fairy tale.

[sscheshire]

Hey John,

Thanks for reading the piece. And I certainly agree with your comments about the Bible being "contradictory." I only wish that so many millions (including our President) and the vast majority of the planet did not passionately feel the exact opposite.

I really do understand the impulse to dismiss the Bible; I've done it for years, in fact. But here are just two reasons why I do my best to no longer do so, and why I write pieces like the above: (1) The book is a great book, one of the greatest (and without doubt the most influential narrative ever written; nearly every great, and not so great book has been written either explicitly or indirectly in response to it). As a lover of literature, I cannot dismiss the book any more than I can dismiss Milton, Dante, Shakespeare, or (in the 20th century) Pynchon, DeLillo, Roth or Mailer, etc. (2, and more importantly) People are killing each other over this stuff--as Sam Harris has wisely pointed out, we might as well be living in a world killing over rival interpretations of Hamlet, or governed according to personal readings of Lear. In fact, the entire American and international socio-political climate is drenched in biblical influence and rival interpretation: We cannot forget that Obama, Bush, Clinton, Romney, McCaine, Huckabee, all of them consider the book a vehicle for divine "truth." Therefore, I feel compelled to not only NOT dismiss the book, but to know it well (at least better than they do), and to demystify its contents.

All too often, I hear insult and dismissal hurled at the Bible, and yet I hear no such comments regarding Ovid or, say, Homer. True, there are no religions based on these writings currently, but at one time there were. I truly believe that only by fully embracing the book, placing it on Borders' bookshelves between Beckett and Borges, will we remove its ill-placed power and thus it stranglehold on our planet.

[mbaty]

I too had a ridiculous and awkward introduction to sex from my father, who simply read me portions of Dr. Dobson's book...something about adolescence. In fact, it was basically just him reading passages from that book--no real talking to be spoken of (pun intended.) And while I wasn't specifically told of the evils of homosexuality, my father would often make sure that anything homosexual on tv disgusted him visibly. He must have known... And masturbation is better when you're gay. Just for your FYI. (Please don't point out the redundancy of that last statement; I know.)

[BobbyJoe]

Wouldn't it have been a lot easier to use the bible as a warning against masturbation and homosexuality if so many illustrated bibles (at least when I was growing up) didn't include all those homoerotic pictures of things like scantily-clad Jacob wrestling the angel? Talk about mixed messages. It was like being handed a copy of "Torso" magazine that featured a James Dobson interview.

[qofdisks]

Female masturbation makes for a better lover. Practice makes perfect.

[klondiker]

This post was refreshingly candid and insightful.

[AnotherunhappyDemocrat]

"Don't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone I love." - Woody Allen. ('nuff said)