Happy Birthday, Mrs. President!

Last time I told you I am a one-issue voter. Now I will reveal that issue. It is the candidate's astrological sign.

What, do you have some "better" issue you base your votes on? I'd like to hear it, then.

Face it, the zodiac issue is much more important than what the candidates say, do or believe. This is about character. The kind given to you by the position of the planets when you're born.

That's why no matter what happens, I'm voting for Scorpio Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, whose birthday is today! (Mine's tomorrow!)

This astrologer has done Hillary's whole "chart." You should look at the results of his research so you can find out why you should "vote Scorpio, vote Hillary"! Everything you need to know is right in front of you. Unless she was born at 8:00 AM and not PM, but it doesn't really matter because all I care about is sun sign, anyway.

I'm not scientifically trained like an astrologer is, I don't know my trines from my ascendants. I just know what I know from being a Scorpio my whole life, which includes these truths:

SCORPIOS ARE INTENSELY PRIVATE

That is why after all these years we still don't know definitively what the deal is (so to speak) behind closed doors with Leo husband Bill and Scorpio wife Hillary. We Scorpios guard our own secrets with the utmost seriousness, and we'll guard your secrets too, if you want. Unless you cross us, then we'll use them against you to destroy you. Don't cross us! Vote Scorpio, vote Hillary!

SCORPIOS HAVE UNUSUAL IDEAS ABOUT FORGIVENESS AND PUNISHMENT

While still in Arkansas, according to Carl Bernstein (Aquarius) in his recent HRC biography, when she found out Bill was allegedly having affairs, she allegedly devised a plan to divorce him and then run for governor herself. Who but a Scorpio would come up with such an idea? It was only after Sagittarius Dick Morris conducted polls for her and told her she couldn't win that she dropped this alleged plan. Scorpios don't lose.

Oh, and if her current opponents think she'll give them cabinet positions in her administration, they're crazy. You ran against her and she'll never forget it.

SCORPIOS VALUE LOYALTY ABOVE ALL ELSE

I've read a lot about how the Clinton team is made up almost exclusively of people who have proven their trustworthiness to HRC over a number of years, and she always rewards that. I think that's nice.

JUST BECAUSE SCORPIOS ARE PARANOID DOESN'T MEAN THE WORLD'S NOT OUT TO GET US

Remember the "vast right-wing conspiracy"? Of course you do, and it's now plain to see that Hillary was correct. Her vision of things is accurate.

SCORPIO IS THE BEST SIGN IN EVERY WAY

Scorpios are good people to have in power, because once we've outgrown our gray lizard phase and become soaring eagles, our innate sense of cruel-but-fair justice and our lack of tolerance for pain-in-the-ass backtalk and meddling make us the kind of leader the world needs. Theodore Roosevelt, Douglas MacArthur, Bobby Kennedy, Condoleezza Rice, even Ralph Nader -- all of them Scorpios. (And don't forget Ted Turner and Bill Gates. And Larry Flynt.) Do you think that's a coincidence? A random occurrence based on the fact that there's a one-in-12 chance anyone is a Scorpio? Don't be a FOOL.

When it comes to Hillary, a lot of people like to throw around the "C word": Control. What's wrong with being in control? I don't understand. The above-mentioned astrologer says HRC "may need to loosen the reins ... and expose more of herself to gain the support she's seeking from the American public." I'm not sure what he means by this, because I already support her.

She doesn't need to expose more of herself.

I support her simply because she's a Scorpio, the best sign in the whole zodiac.

*****

HANDY BUT SUPERFLUOUS VOTER'S GUIDE TO OTHER CANDIDATES BY ZODIAC SIGN:

You can vote for whomever you want for whatever reason you want, but the smart money is on Scorpio.

Scorpio: Bill Richardson, Joe Biden;* Gemini: Chris Dodd, John Edwards; Taurus: Mike Gravel, Stephen Colbert (these two have the same birthday!); Libra: Dennis Kucinich; Leo: Barack Obama

*Note: Even if one of these two gets the nomination, of course I'll vote for Hillary anyway, because she is obviously a more powerful Scorpio, since she's beating these other Scorpios badly.

Comments

[larry278]

Birthday boy: You are aware that a large minority [or a majority] of peopele think that astrology is a mere pseudo-science; aren't you? Since the earth revolves around the sun-astrology's hoary, arcane charts & other data based on astrology are in error. To be nasty, but honest, astrology is a fraud, just like some politicians. Astrology is useless.

[DineroDProfit]

Hillary is a Scorpio?

The essence of a scorpion is exactly like that of a tarantula or a black widow spider: they are all in the general class of something injurious with deathward venoms.

[psgoodguy]

not to be picky but i think it would be happy birthday madam president.

[stellanoir]

Most professional astrologers cast a semi hairy eyeball upon birth times on the exact hour, although one out of every person statistically is likely to have one.

In casting charts, every 4 minutes, the earth spins a degree. It's quite amazing we don't fall off really. Thank the "Creatrix for gravity."

The singular upshot of insurance taking over medicine is that we now have more accurate birthtimes due to potential liability, as opposed to the days when care givers put priority on life over clerical work.

Not sure it all too great a trade off for the vast majority, who are not amongst the eccentric astrological fringe.

"Astrology has become the gold standard for superstition and contempt."

If her birthtime is anywhere near accurate, there are some really challenging progressions and transits for her in early '08, in May and early June, and in the two months leading up to the election.

Really challenging in early '09 as well.

A Saturn/ Uranus opposition on election day widely squaring her Uranus and progressed Moon suggest that the electronic voting machines, will yet again be an glaringly mostly unspoken issue.

I just wish the media had not been shoving her down our throats as the presumed nominee since the midterms.

As a 13th generation American, I don't particularly like two families monopolizing the executive branch for more than 20 years in this land formerly lauded for its amazing diversity. Nor do I like the idea of our first female President being one who is masquerading as a hawkish male.

Yet she'd certainly be better than what we've got.

Still I'm hoping for a maverick upstart to enter the ring and surprise us all.

Silly me.

Choosing a candidate by Sun sign alone is sheer idiocy. But a kinship and affinity felt through a close conjunction of Suns is thoroughly understandable.

Glad you are familiar with Jeff. He is a well respected colleague.

Happy Solar Return.

[knosiswar]

Sure, a totally narcissistic SCORPIO. And any enemy of HRC better watch out. Scorpio are NOTORIOUS for vengeful and maniacal behavior. Do we really need a President who is ruled by their genitalia. What's worse is if her SEX life is thrown out of sorts, she will be a total ASS. If you want to elect a BORN LEADER, then the choice is obvious, it's the LEO, OBAMA. Unfortunately, he's operating overly cautious, and Chris Dodd has been the only one to buck up and say no to special exceptions for rich and wealthy law-breakers like AT&T and Verizon. Revenge and Secrecy are the things you need to know about Scorpios. And they tend to have dark and ominous perceptions of reality. Interesting post, we've definitely seen the twins of John Edwards and I had to laugh when I read that Kucinich is a Libra.

[danfnord]

Happy birthday Scott!

As a Ron Paul supporter, I'd like to note his positive Capricornical traits: Practical and prudent, Ambitious and disciplined, Patient and careful, Humorous and reserved. Even his negatives are positives by comparison to the rest of the field and to the current POTUS: Pessimistic and fatalistic, Miserly and grudging

[csavage]

Here, Here!
I wondered when someone was going to reveal the best sign. We Caps keep to ourselves and keep working....Flashy Scorps can keep their press. What we need is somebody not interested in 30 sec sound bites. A Cap couldn't work in their views in 30 seconds and neither should any of our leaders...
Besides, we already had a king-Elvis, also a Cap, BTW

[disgusted48]

Based on the information you provided, i will be voting for Obama because he is a Leo, like Bill Clinton. Charasmatic, kind, and good. Hopefully his only bad habit is smoking. Leos always have one really bad habit. Thanks for the heads up. I will not be voting for a scorpio. They are vicious, vindictive, egomaniacal, and often bipolar. In additon, I will not vote for anyone who voted to give the immature Cancer, george Bush, same sign as OJ Simpson by the way, war powers to use in Iraq.

[dijo]

Barack quit smoking before entering the race for president. I say...bravo for him.
Obama '08

[unutterable]

I was born a month prematurely, so I'm not sure whether I should be a Virgo or a Libra, and thus I don't know who to vote for. I also don't know what birthstone to wear around my neck.

[burntbeans]

this is a parody piece, right? thankfully, all huffington post readers are literate and recognize that this piece really points out many of senator clintons serious flaws as a politician and a leader, right?

[dannyS]

Mr. Shrake clearly invited anyone with a better issue to base their vote on to come forward, so, have you got a better one?
Oh, let's vote based on what the candidates say, they would never lie, would they?
Now who's being naive?

[Lena]

Love the column (as usual), Scott, and happy birthday to you. As for the election, my support goes to Gravel, Peggy Gravel, that is.

[Desiderata]

Scorpios only think they're the best. They can only realize love by gazing into a mirror.