NFL Week 16 - New Year's Resolutions

01/02/2011 12:03 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

New Year's resolutions for each NFL team!

Philadelphia - hit DeSean Jackson with a tranquilizer dart on his way to the end zone to prevent excessive celebration penalties.

New York Jets - encourage Rex Ryan to keep his fetishes private.

Dallas - hire a real GM, and give Tony Romo an offensive line capable of protecting him.

Washington - give Mike Shanahan a team of robots to coach.

New York Giants - find a head coach whose team won't collapse in December.

Minnesota - send Brett Favre and Tarvaris Jackson packing, and let Joe Webb quarterback the team for at least one season before making another change.

Chicago - pay Lovie Smith to change his name to something more appropriate for a football coach, and re-test Mike Martz to see if he's still a genius.

Green Bay - share the answers with Aaron Rodgers ahead of time the next time he has to take a concussion test.

Detroit - encase Matthew Stafford's right arm in armor.

Atlanta - avoid doing silly commercials on the NFL's behalf, even if it is for a good cause.

Carolina - hope for a lot of luck (and Luck).

Tampa Bay - pummel opponents with a Blount instrument.

New Orleans - draft a running back who can stay healthy for more than half a season at a time.

San Francisco - finish a season with a record above .500, which will virtually guarantee a trip to the playoffs.

Arizona - see San Francisco's resolution.

St. Louis - see San Francisco's resolution.

Seattle - see San Francisco's resolution.

Miami - sign a starting quarterback whose first name isn't Chad.

New England - draft skill position players only if they're under six feet tall.

Buffalo - win enough games to make fans recall the glory days of O.J. Simpson. On second thought . . .

Pittsburgh - keep Ben Roethlisberger confined in a secure, undisclosed location throughout the entire off-season.

Cincinnati - pass on signing any receivers with their own reality TV show.

Cleveland - get a restraining order against Eric Mangini.

Baltimore - have Le'Ron McClain's salivary glands removed.

Jacksonville - order a full season's worth of spare body parts for Maurice Jones-Drew.

Indianapolis - overcome the curse to become the first team to play a Super Bowl on its home field.

Houston - order a full season's worth of spare body parts for Andre Johnson.

Tennessee - enroll Vince Young in an anger management program.

Kansas City - get a larger bandwagon.

Oakland - sign some offensive linemen who are larger than the kicker.

Denver - hire a head coach who isn't a good candidate for Dr. Phil's show.

San Diego - find a head coach whose team won't collapse in September.