New Year's resolutions for each NFL team!
Philadelphia - hit DeSean Jackson with a tranquilizer dart on his way to the end zone to prevent excessive celebration penalties.
New York Jets - encourage Rex Ryan to keep his fetishes private.
Dallas - hire a real GM, and give Tony Romo an offensive line capable of protecting him.
Washington - give Mike Shanahan a team of robots to coach.
New York Giants - find a head coach whose team won't collapse in December.
Minnesota - send Brett Favre and Tarvaris Jackson packing, and let Joe Webb quarterback the team for at least one season before making another change.
Chicago - pay Lovie Smith to change his name to something more appropriate for a football coach, and re-test Mike Martz to see if he's still a genius.
Green Bay - share the answers with Aaron Rodgers ahead of time the next time he has to take a concussion test.
Detroit - encase Matthew Stafford's right arm in armor.
Atlanta - avoid doing silly commercials on the NFL's behalf, even if it is for a good cause.
Carolina - hope for a lot of luck (and Luck).
Tampa Bay - pummel opponents with a Blount instrument.
New Orleans - draft a running back who can stay healthy for more than half a season at a time.
San Francisco - finish a season with a record above .500, which will virtually guarantee a trip to the playoffs.
Arizona - see San Francisco's resolution.
St. Louis - see San Francisco's resolution.
Seattle - see San Francisco's resolution.
Miami - sign a starting quarterback whose first name isn't Chad.
New England - draft skill position players only if they're under six feet tall.
Buffalo - win enough games to make fans recall the glory days of O.J. Simpson. On second thought . . .
Pittsburgh - keep Ben Roethlisberger confined in a secure, undisclosed location throughout the entire off-season.
Cincinnati - pass on signing any receivers with their own reality TV show.
Cleveland - get a restraining order against Eric Mangini.
Baltimore - have Le'Ron McClain's salivary glands removed.
Jacksonville - order a full season's worth of spare body parts for Maurice Jones-Drew.
Indianapolis - overcome the curse to become the first team to play a Super Bowl on its home field.
Houston - order a full season's worth of spare body parts for Andre Johnson.
Tennessee - enroll Vince Young in an anger management program.
Kansas City - get a larger bandwagon.
Oakland - sign some offensive linemen who are larger than the kicker.
Denver - hire a head coach who isn't a good candidate for Dr. Phil's show.
San Diego - find a head coach whose team won't collapse in September.
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