Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Scott Wooledge Headshot

Big Sales Spur Chick-fil-A to Announce New 'Hater Wednesdays' Series

Posted: Updated:

Photobucket

Customers line up at a Chick-fil-A in Skibo, North Carolina. (Caitlin Dineen, Twitter)

On Wednesday Aug. 1, Christians nationwide rushed to fast-food chain Chick-fil-A to express their inherent, Christian, moral superiority over gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Americans. The day, organized by Southern Baptist minister, Mike Hucakbee was so successful, the company has announced it will be embracing it as a regular part of their marketing plan.

The new "Hater Wednesday" series will feature a rotating schedule of heretics and outcasts that white, heterosexual, Christian customers will be invited to share their mutual dislike and disapproval of while killing themselves with high-fructose corn syrup.

In a statement, Chick-fil-A said, "It's clear there is an appetite for Americans to come together and express their deep and heartfelt dislike for their fellow Americans over a chicken sandwich and waffle fries. This is an appetite Chick-fil-A intends to fully satisfy going forward."

The first Wednesday will continue to celebrate heterosexual supremacy over gays, but Chick-fil-A is also branching out. The second Wednesday is "You're a dirty heathen day" which will celebrate Christian superiority over Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Wiccans, atheists and others by reminding them God will also be sending them all to burn in Hell. The third will be "You look illegal day" where customers can share a shake and their deep resentment that Latino Americans have in the words of Chick-fil-A's press release, "invaded and bankrupted the country and taken Americans' jobs."

The fourth Wednesday it was announced would be "Shame on independent women day." Chick-fil-A executives seemed unconcerned if it might be unwise to incorporate animus to women as a defining element of their marketing plan. President Dan Cathy said,

"No one should be surprised. Chick-fil-A is a Christian company, and we're guided by Biblical principles. The Bible is quite clear that women have no place challenging the authority of men. Genesis 3:16 says: 'Unto the woman He said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.'

It's become entirely too common for women to behave as though they are the equal of men. It's not what God wants for this nation, to be run with women serving in the Senate and the Secretary of State's office. What's next? A woman president? It's not politically correct. I'm not afraid to say that has to be stopped before we invite the judgment of God on the nation."

News broke last week of Chick-fil-A's corporate policy of transitioning their female workers into the more Biblically appropriate role of stay-at-home moms.

Chick-fil-A also announced they will be holding internet contest to see what other American groups should be added to the roster. Cathy said, "We know there's a lot of dislike, anger and distrust among Americans for their fellow citizens and, as Wednesday showed, stirring it up presents a terrific opportunity for us to sell more waffle fries."

Editor's note: This post is intended to be construed as satire.