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Not Too Keen on McCain? Here Are Some Alternatives

07/31/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

1936 was a leap year. It began on a Wednesday. The Hoover Dam was completed this year. This was the year that King George V died and Edward VIII took the throne, who, after abdicating, was succeeded by George VI. The last Tasmanian Tiger died. FDR was elected to his second term. The current republican presidential nominee, Sen. John McCain, was born. The first edition of Life magazine was publi --

Okay, pause. John McCain is turning 72 next month? Sure, we hear all about his "senior moments," but what does this really mean?

Think about your grandmother. I'm sure she's very very sweet. But would she make a good president? No. Would she make a better president than other 72-year-olds? Yes.

I started to think about the other 72 year olds I know...

None. Why is that? Because 72 is old.

So if we're going to vote a 72-year-old into office, we better make sure we're voting in the right one.

Here are some of our other 72-year-old options:

· Option one: Juli Andrews.

I would actually prefer Julie Andrews to John McCain. Did you see how she saved the Von Trapp family? She was graceful, compassionate, and ever so tactful. Those are very important qualities for a presidential hopeful.

· Option two: Woody Allen

Ignoring my own bias' and incomparable love of Annie Hall, I must admit that a vote for Woody Allen would be very much the same as a vote for John McCain. Look --

At a young age, both McCain and Allen suffered life-altering hardships:
- John McCain survived "riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down."
- Woody Allen is a Jew. And he grew up in Brooklyn before it became fashionable.

Both have remarried:
- For more-than-questionable reasons, John McCain quit out on his marriage, and married someone much younger and quite controversial.
- Woody Allen (see: John McCain)

Both have been plagued by their mental health:
- John McCain's memory is almost as fleeting as his sense of humor, and he regularly makes inappropriate jokes and creates imaginary places in his head (see: Czechoslovakia, Iraq/Pakistan border)
- Woody Allen (see: all of his movies)

· Option three: Topol

Hmm....now this one is interesting. President Tevye has quite a ring to it. And we would certainly make the Israeli's happy...

· Option four: Jerry Lee Lewis

John McCain is as old as this???

· Some other options: Burt Reynolds, James Dobson, Engelbert Humperdinck, Kris Kristofferson, Alan Alda, John Madden...

So, after assessing all other options for an elderly sovereign, I've realized that if I'm going to vote for a 72-year-old, there's really only one that gives me thrills going up my leg.

Robert Redford, you are the only 72-year-old for whom I could ever even imagine voting.