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Please Leave a Review

02/23/2015 06:45 pm ET | Updated Apr 24, 2015

Some people say reviews are all biased, only the really pleased or really upset comment, right? Then other reviews have become their own art form; I'm looking at you, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl. oz. Whether you like reviews or not, I for one am grateful we're in a world where it's easy to read about other people's experiences before you buy.

A week ago my wife and I were planning a trip across Florida to see my mother. Rather than arrive late, we decided to get a hotel and head over early in the morning. My wife assigned me to find the hotel, easy enough right?

Google maps and TripAdvisor gave me a wide selection and lo, there were plenty of really inexpensive ones, perfect if we were just arriving late and leaving early. I tried independent places first because I've had great experiences with them in the past.

The first reviews:

  • "Roaches all over."
  • "Filthy."
  • "Most disgusting ever."
  • "The drugs and prostitutes kept me up all night."

I move a ways down the road, Googling a new place. A news article pops up first:

  • "Police raid arrests 25 from motel."

Further yet down the road?

  • "Killers, killers, do not stay here."

I email the wife: we may need to move to a big chain. She agrees.

I find a chain I've stayed at before with good results:

  • "I took pictures of all the bedbugs and immediately threw my suitcase in the dumpster outside."

Let's try another chain:

  • "The pimp chased me down the hall trying to recruit me while my husband was at the registration desk."

Another?

  • "The staff are very unprofessional, they rented my husband and I a room and re-rented the same room to someone else. On top of that the person they rented the room to went through our bags and had on my underwear and camisole."

I email the wife. Her reply? "Wearing her underwear? SPEND MORE."

Now I find a hotel right near the ocean that's double the price of the first ones. Plus, it's "Your #1 gay destination." Extra bonus, since we're a queer couple.

  • "The night I got here, my dog was taken from my (locked) room, and I have yet to find her."
  • "First room was flooded with sewage, they said don't worry, it'll dry up."

It's not over yet:

  • "Our 2nd room seemed okay until I lied in the bed and felt something bite me. I pulled back the sheets and the bed was full of fire ants."

Wait for it:

  • "Shards of glass in my breakfast."

Enter AirBnB: we rented a nice apartment in the artsy gay part of town. We told our host we were arriving late and she said don't worry, she'd leave the key in the door. "It's that kind of neighborhood," she wrote. And to our surprise, it was. We had a lovely night's sleep. We got it all for less than the cost of one fire ant and to top it off, we were the only ones who wore our clothes.

Thank you all so much for leaving those reviews.