At the National Archives

Guard #1: Hey Joe.

Guard #2: Yeah?

Guard #1: Isn't this the box where we keep America's honor?

Guard #2: I think so.

Guard #1: Well it's gone.

Guard #2 (coming over): It's what?

Guard #1: It's not here.

Guard #2 (shining flashlight): Holy [expletive deleted].

Guard #1: First America's left-wing intellectuals all become a bunch of Communist sympathizers, then America surrenders in Vietnam, and now this.

Guard #2: Where are the heroes of today? The Washingtons? The Jeffersons? Where are they?

Guard #1: Who would steal America's honor? Who would do such a thing?

Guard #2: I'll bet They did it.

Guard #1: This is just the sort of thing They would do. They are always doing things like this.

Guard #2: Who do They think They are?

Guard #1: The hypocrisy.

Guard #2: I barely recognize my country.

Guard #1: We need to tell someone. We need to do something.

Guard #2: . . .

Guard #1: Don't we need to do something?

Guard #2: Actually, I'm not so sure.

Guard #1: What are you saying? America's honor has been stolen and you want to just carry on like nothing happened?

Guard #2: I'm just saying, if people discover this, they are going to be unhappy.

Guard #1: It's true. People will be upset. Tens of thousands of them will probably come to the Mall. To sit in lawn chairs and listen politely to talk radio hosts give speeches about America's veterans.

Guard #2: It's better if we do nothing. Maybe no one will notice that America's honor has been stolen.

Guard #1 (rummaging around): Hey, wait a minute.

Guard #2: . . .

Guard #1: Here it is. It's in this box over here.

Guard #2: Oh, thank God. But what's it doing over there?

Guard #1: Someone must have misplaced it.

Guard #2: Do you think They misplaced it?

Guard #1: Nah. That's not the kind of thing They would do.

Guard #2: You're right.

Guard #1: Look. Let's just put it back, in this box, where it belongs. There. America's honor was never stolen. It was here all along.

Guard #2: Agreed.

Guard #1: This never happened.

Guard #2: What never happened?

Guard #1: Exactly.

 

Follow Sean Carman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/seancarman

Comments

[Edward Standley]

11:23 PM on 09/01/2010

Very clever!

[VeryCalm2]

03:20 PM on 08/31/2010

Wow. As Truman Capote once said "That's not writing, it's typing".

[JPease]

07:00 PM on 08/30/2010

Lol. Both your articles about the lost honor are hilarious. Thanks.

[jh1365]

12:26 PM on 08/29/2010

Interesting you brought up the concept of "loss" in conjunction with the U.S. National Archives, because if there was an inanimate object representing "America's honor", it would indeed turn up missing, simply on account of the fact that the Archive's incompetent crop of unqualified employees misplace things all the time.