Good Morning, Beijing

This week China blocked Web access to the New York Times, presumably to keep its citizens from reading news from the United States. As an occasional columnist for a comedy news website, my responsibility is clear. If there's one place no one ever looks for real news, it's 23/6, and if there's one columnist Chinese leaders will never bother to read, it's yours truly.

Because I want to keep its people well-informed, I am providing China with this rundown of recent news from the United States, land of enduring economic and social progress. Let's get to it!

In financial developments, the American economy continued its plunge into a bottomless sinkhole this week. The latest victims are the Chicago Tribune, the legion of wealthy clients of a prominent hedge fund manager, and the entire automotive industry. Meanwhile, the financial services companies that benefited from the $700 billion bailout have hoarded their handouts for staff salaries and executive bonuses. Weirdly though, certain isolated sectors of the economy remain mysteriously impervious to the downturn. These include the singer Britney Spears, Vanity Fair celebrity profiles, the reality program American Idol, and the Fox News Network.

In a daring act of civil disobedience that expressed local anger at the American occupation, an Iraqi journalist threw a shoe at President Bush during a press conference in Baghdad. Bush successfully ducked and later joked about the incident, but the Iraqi journalist was tortured while in custody and will probably never be heard from again. The good news, however, is that the protest did not happen in the streets of Baghdad, where the shoe-thrower undoubtedly would have been shot on the spot by
Blackwater security guards.

In political news, Caroline Kennedy, daughter of the late Senator Robert F. Kennedy, let it be known that she would accept an appointment to be the next U.S. Senator from New York. The Kennedy Dynasty's power was expected to keep New York's governor from appointing any of a number of better-qualified candidates to the post. In related news, progressive environmental champion Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. was not named to be the Administrator of EPA.

Finally, President-elect Obama announced that the convocation at his Inauguration will be given by evangelical preacher Rick Warren, who believes that doctors should be imprisoned for ending pregnancies and that gay and lesbian couples should be banned from publicly declaring their love and committing to a life of fidelity. The President-elect excuses Warren's stands on these issues because Warren acknowledges the existence of the AIDS virus, wears Hawaiian shirts, and sports a goatee. One disturbing aspect of the news is its indication that Barack Obama, falsely accused in the campaign of being a radical Muslim, may actually be an evangelical Christian.

And so China, there is the news you've been missing. Oh, one more thing. About the whole global warming thing, which will require massive cuts in carbon emissions that will keep you from reaping the benefits of industrialization, which we've enjoyed for more than 100 years -- we're, um, really, really sorry about that.

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