The past week has revealed John McCain's campaign to be a complete and utter political disaster. McCain is Krakatoa. His campaign is the Titanic. Imagine an Indonesian volcano bellowing fire and smoke as it rams an iceberg and sinks without a trace, and you've got the McCain campaign. The tiny band playing "Nearer My God, to Thee" as the whole ramshackle caravel tips into the North Atlantic? That's Times columnist Bill Kristol cheerfully offering his latest bit of political wisdom. ("Focus on Reverend Wright! Take the gloves off! No wait! Don't!")
We've also learned that McCain will take campaign advice from anyone. Any joker on the street, it turns out, can help John McCain make presidential decisions. We know this because McCain has been heeding the advice of the aforementioned Bill Kristol. It was Kristol who sold Sarah Palin to the evangelical cabal who blackmailed McCain into selecting her. More recently, the Times' go-to conservative orchestrated the roll-out of the "Campaign of Blind Vengeance and Hate," which played so well to undecided voters and the mainstream media.
That Bill Kristol is guiding the McCain campaign is just the latest miracle of the season. I know one should just accept miracles gracefully, and not ask questions, but I can't help but think that if McCain is taking advice from wing-nut journalistic hacks, that can only mean one thing: He would also take advice from me.
This isn't as crazy as it sounds. The world of pundits is quite small, and how much difference is there, really, between the Weekly Standard and 23/6? The only difference I can see is that over at the Weekly Standard, they actually believe what they are saying.
So knowing that I might, at any time, suddenly have McCain's ear, or that I might already be a McCain adviser (Maybe he's reading my columns? Who knows?), I humbly offer my advice on McCain's best chance to pull off the upset. The answer is as simple as it is unconventional: McCain should immediately concede the election.
Yes, this week McCain should apologize for deregulating the financial industry, supporting the Iraq War, and maligning Obama's name. He should acknowledge that his was an uphill climb that his botched campaign has only rendered insurmountable. Then he should graciously concede the general election.
What would this achieve? First, it would turn the emotional tables. Until now, McCain has played the angry partisan seeking to win the White House by tearing the nation asunder. Conceding the race would humanize the poor guy. It would be like that moment he took the microphone from that woman in Minnesota who was about to say Obama was a terrorist, but it would be like that moment times a thousand.
Second, by conceding, McCain could send Sarah Palin back to Alaska without actually having to fire her. This would solve McCain's biggest dilemma: How to get rid of Palin without seeming to admit that her selection was the most moronic and destructive presidential decision in history. If you fire her, you only look incompetent for choosing her in the first place. But if you concede the election, the problem neatly takes care of itself.
The timing is also right. With Obama pulling away in the national polls, a concession will merely solidify the emerging conventional wisdom that Obama is the better choice.
But after conceding the election, can McCain possibly win?
Well, first off, don't think the press will stop covering the campaign merely because one of its principals has given up. The campaign is too entertaining, and anyway what is the media going to do? Report the actual details of the financial crisis? No, McCain's concession will generate three solid weeks of the former war hero talking honorably about the brilliant campaign Obama ran, what an intelligent and generous person he is, and what a terrific President he'll make. Imagine how good McCain will look on The View as he joins with Oprah to sing Obama's praises. He'll experience nothing less than a political resurrection.
Second, McCain's concession won't actually stop the election, because it's too late to remove his name from the ballot. This is the devious wit behind my strategy: McCain can concede all he wants but the polls will still be open on November 4. Yes, when the public learns that, despite McCain's concession, the election will go forward, McCain's concession will seem erratic and misinformed. But at least for once McCain will have made a well-meaning and good-hearted erratic and misinformed decision.
Will anyone vote for McCain after he runs his campaign into the ground? Well, he'll always have his base. Those people would vote for a pair of robot zombies as long as one of them espoused the Second Coming. But will anyone else vote for McCain? To be honest, I sort of doubt it.
But I know this: A concession is the only card McCain has left to play. He might as well give it a shot. It's not like anything else is going to work.
And John, if you're reading this, there's one more reason you should concede.
If you do, when the race is over, you'll at least still have your dignity.