Suddenly, It All Makes Sense

Well, it was a bad week, I guess. Michael Phelps was caught smoking down, and it turns out the Obama transition team wasn't really "vetting" anything. If "vetting" means, you know, "checking to see whether nominees to cabinet posts paid their taxes." That? They weren't checking on that. It makes you wonder what they were doing, exactly. At least the new season of 30 Rock is holding up.

I think, though, that it's actually good news that Michael Phelps is a marijuana smoker. For starters, it explains things that, at the time, didn't make sense. Like the fact that he was so slow off the starting block in all those races, and seemed to be half-asleep until he made that turn at the wall. That never made sense to me. "What is the deal?" I said as I watched him rack up all those victories. "It's like, in the first half of the race, he isn't even trying."

Now we know that, actually, he wasn't trying. Instead he was asleep on the starting blocks, or dreaming about Stephanie Phelps, or Amanda Beard, or whatever, until he was involuntary jolted awake by the starting gun. In every race he probably woke up in the pool, doing whatever stroke he was thinking about when he drifted off. We should be thankful he practiced as much as he did. It's not easy to wake up already performing the task you were supposed to be doing when you fell asleep. That's a consummate skill; it takes years of training. To put it into perspective for the rest of us, Phelps' achievement is the equivalent of nodding off in class and then, when the professor calls on you, answering his question while being poked awake by your buddy. Except that Phelps' achievement is the equivalent of doing this every time you get called on while sleeping in class. You have to hand it to the guy.

It's also impressive that Phelps made up all that lost distance in the second half of every race. Now we know why he was always so far behind at the mid-point of every race: He hadn't started trying yet. Or, more precisely, he hadn't realized he was in a race yet. We also know what he was thinking in that critical moment, the moment -- probably right before the turn -- when he gained consciousness. "Wha? Where am I? Holy shi*!" he would think. And then he would realize that, woah, the race has started, dude. And then, every time, he would win. How can you not love him even more?

If there's any justice in the world, the Olympic committee will give Phelps another gold medal, just for doing more in the Olympics than we knew at the time. Forget all those athletes on performance-enhancing drugs. Phelps won 8 golds on one of the most potent performance-diminishing drugs known to man.

The fact that Phelps won so many gold medals while being toked up on weed also means we should re-evaluate some of our assumptions. Like, so much for the idea that marijuana makes you lazy or kills your ambition. Not to put too fine a point on it, but Mark Spitz's record for Olympic gold was just shattered by a pothead. It would be hard to think of a better counter-example to the conventional view. Although I'm sure some people will hold onto their doubts. "Not until a Nobel scientist finds a cure for cancer in a B.C. Bud brain-fog will I believe that stoners can be successful," they will say. Scientists will point to studies, blah, blah, fine. You can't convince everyone.

We might also re-evaluate some of our geo-political fears. Like the subconscious anxiety we have that China might crush us with its super-efficient industrialization and ruthlessly-managed anti-democratic society. Not to brag or anything, but one of our stoner kids just kicked the world's ass in a supreme contest of athleticism and skill. I just don't think we have that much to worry about. Hey China, tell us when you're serious and we'll send someone whose brain isn't baked and whose lungs still function at full capacity.

Finally, thank God Michael Phelps won that last race. No, I mean really, thank God. Because if he had lost, and then it had come out that he likes to toke up, Michael Phelps never would have lived that down. We would have had one sad young man with an uncanny resemblance to Tigger on our hands. Right-wing crazies would be on every talk show holding Phelps up as a symbol of liberalism's role in America's decline. I can just hear Bill O'Reilly now. "Are you telling me that if he hadn't used drugs, he couldn't have shaved one one-millionth of a second off his time?" Typical Bill O'Reilly, talking so negatively like that.

Instead, now, every time Phelps is recognized on the street, his fans will be even more impressed. And Bill O'Reilly? He will have to make do with Tom Daschle. Perfect.

Comments

[LegalizeIT]

Hahaha you rant about how pot is the most stimulus infecting drug of all time, and yet some of the most accomplished people of the world smoke it. Hmm anyone find the irony in the statement? How about when the U.S. was formed it was ILLEGAL not grow marijuana, and all of our founding fathers smoked it? well the list goes on maybe people will wake up one day and realize the plant is good for so many things. i doubt it though to many right winged Christians would think the worlds coming to an end..

peace_love that's all anyone could ask for.

[carnelld]

Place: Breakfast table
Present: Father, mother, 11 year old, 12, year old, 15 year old.
Discussion: Illegal Drug use

11 year old: Dad I saw Michael Phelps smoking what looked to be an illegal substance in a crack pipe. He is on our cereal box.

Father: Since Michael can swim fast son, it's ok for him to smoke that type pipe.

12 year old: Dad, I play soccer . Is it ok for me to smoke the herb in a pipe?

Father: What do you know about the herb? And no you aren't good enough at soccer yet. And no, not in a pipe.

15 year old: Dad I made the All Star team this year and you said I was good. Is it ok for me to do the drug of my choice?

Father: Ah......No son . You should not do the drug of your choice. And further more we are not buying these doggone cereals again until the government is enlightened and make Marijuana legal .

11 year old: But dad, does that mean you will have to cook breakfast on the weekends?

Mother: You see what you have started....

Music.....­...fade...­..Tune in next week for the conclusion.

[Alex Leo - Huffpost Blogger]

I adore you and all, but I'm pretty sure you're not a "Back-up point guard for the Minot Skyrockets."

[sloreader]

Sean;

Your rant about our fellow "U.S. American" kicking the world's booty while using a performance "diminishing" drug was truly inspirational. Perhaps an Obama Cabinet position will be in your future? Maybe not, but if the long overdue paradigm shift in the pot wars comes about you deserve some serious street cred in that department. Keep up the great work.

[stevebest]

Theres no way Micheal Phelps was under the influence in the pool come on. Hmm painting a picture of how you cant smoke marijuana and be an athlete, while at the same time soprt heros from every game are getting DUI's. Where were the articles about how he couldnt swim a straight line when he got his DUI. There are a lot of athletes in every sport who smoke. I am certain that marijuana use will not be a factor in 2012

[NickCooper1976]

Phelps actually shows that occasional cannabis use won't make you into a braindead zombie, and that it's possible to enjoy some weed and be an olympic swimmer:

http://thestupidtimes.blogspot.com/2009/02/michael-phelps-defends-his-bong-work.html

If he was downing a glass of beer, would they have accused him of the same things?